Episode 12- “And You Thought The Plastinated Ones Were Skanky!”

Yesterday, we went to Body Worlds.  (We also went to Pancho Pistola’s, which, was slightly more delicious.)  You know, the one where there are dead people on display?  Like dead guy riding a horse, or dead ballet dancer?  Is it was actually really interesting, and after the first thing or so, it seems really unreal.  You stop thinking about the deadness, really.  They certainly don’t hide anything, though, that’s for sure.  (and by anything, i do mean genitals.  My brother-in-law of course gave ye olde 6th grade response of, “why are you looking?”  So, news flash, I must be a huge gay pervert because I noticed genitals on naked dead people with no skin.)(If he hadn’t said it though, I would’ve said it under my breath to entertain myself anyway.  Just like I do with “That’s what she said” %80 of the time, because my wife doesn’t think it’s funny EVERY SINGLE TIME like I do.)(That’s what she said)

Be that as it may, (for you Jim) we were looking around at the coal miner’s lung and the oro-antral fistulae, I noticed something bothersome.  There was a chick in a dress.  Like a dress dress.  To better illustrate my point, I took a picture.

It seems way less skanky in a picture, I’m sure.  But it was not very covering.  I usually have no problems with skanks, but she was very hoity-toity about the whole thing.  (the first time I’ve ever used ‘hoity-toity’.  opinions?)  I just did not understand why she would come to the museum like that.  Then, as we approached the “Exploded Body” (which, as it turns out, to my dismay, has nothing to do with Carnie Wilson), which included various body parts dangling from strings, I was witness to THIS!

PG-13, n’est-ce pas?  I did not understand why this was happening.  In front of me.  I hate when people are gross in public, especially ones in outfits non-befitting of scientific exhibitions.  As it turns out, it’s one of my things.  So consider yourselves warned, general public.  Watch your behaviour, because you never know when someone who is widely famous on the internet may defame you, ruining your reputation forever! 

Closing thought of the day:  What if Alec Baldwin’s daughter really is a bitch?  Just asking. 

On Rihanna

I REALLY liked the song Unfaithful.  So much so that I went around for maybe a week shouting/singing “MURDERAH!” in my best Barbados-girl accent.  I knew she was capable of some serious crap, but until I heard her latest ‘hit’, I hadn’t deemed her worthy of my investigations.  Before we go on, let me list some lyrics from this number, “Umbrella”, for you to see just what let me to investigate her lyrical styles.  And I Quote:

“You had my heart and we’ll never be a world apart
Maybe in magazines, But you’ll still be my star
Baby ’cause in the dark you can’t see shiny cards
And that’s when you need me there with you I’ll always share
Because when the sun shines, we shine together
Told you I’d be here forever, said I’ll always be your friend
Tough enough, Imma stick it out to the end
Now that it’s raining more than never
Know that we’ll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella (x2)
ella ella eh eh eh under my umbrella (repeat)”

Although I don’t understand where ‘magazines’ came from, that last line is the real juicy one.  Especially when it is repeated.  And when she says ‘repeat’, she is serious, let me tell you.

And she sounds like a singing version of Miss Cleo. 

But after I heard her incessant chanting of “ella, eh” on the radio, I decided to look it up and see what other goodies I could find.  And find, I did.  Like scabies on a hobo, I found some rampant stuff.  From “Let Me”.  And I Quote:

“I’m walkin over to you meet me by the door
I’m the girl in the 7 inch heel I got my keys in my hand
Maybe s’s on my arms so guess you know what it is
So act like you know Cause a girl just wanna have fun
Knock it out the park for me Need ya to hit a home run boy”

What the hell does that even mean, I ask you?  and 7 inch heel?  they make those?  I’m so glad we at least got to the logic of, “i’m maybe wearing s’s, so act  like you know.”  How about the tune, “Selfish Girl.”  And I Quote:

“I’m a selfish girl when it comes to you every minute of the day
I’m addicted to what your giving me boy
it’s killing me when it comes to love I’m not trying share you might think
I’m greedy but I just don’t care
I need you in my world cause I’m a selfish girl”

And just what is this addiction?  Cocainses?  Sporking?  Boone’s Farm?

We may never know.  What we should know, however?  The correct form of “YOUR”.  [i know it's probably the website people, but still...]

My favourite nugget however, came from the epic tune, “That La, La, La.”  And I think you need the full goods for this one.  You know, my stuff’s in brackets.  And I gleefully quote:

(Oh) LA LA LA LA LA LA (Uh Huh) Yeah [yeah?]
(Oh) LA LA LA LA LA LA (OhOhOhOh) Sing it [I'm not sure if I got the words...]
(Oh) LA LA LA LA LA LA Come on [my insides are bleeding]
Oh LA Oh LA Oh LA Oh LA Oh [sing the DAMN SONG ALREADY!]

You said we girls but all the while, you look at my man with a funny smile. [funny how?  Like Clown funny?  Or Marie Osmond's new face funny?][But, bitch, we girls! We'ont need verbs!]

Now I don’t look it might be me, but ain’t no need to bump so tightly. [? I thought you don't look?  and we'll skip verbs left and right, but bitch, we use our adverbs.]

That night we all hanging at the club. You tell mr. d.j. wanna rub a dub. [I of course, immediately consulted my friend, Urban Dictionary, to investigate 'rub a dub' as I doubted that you and mr. d.j. wanted to bathe.  Imagine my amazement to find THIS!]

When I don’t look you a chance to ask my man to come and dance. [seriously, I don't even have a clue.  I checked 3 lyrics websites, and they all list this one the same.  Any ideas?]

What me and he have got is solid as a rock, so take your shot. [sounds like it]
Don’t even waste your time. Cause a love like ours is hard to find. [As hard to find as losers in Ohio.]
(Oh Oh Oh Oh)(OH) Cause He’s got me singing that la la la [Is he you're Opera coach?]

(OH) our love is strong yes it’s keeping me fortified. [Fortified?  Really?  As in 'secured with bastions' or 'spiked with alcohol'?]
(OH) Oh yes he keep it rocking like la la la
(Sing) (Oh Oh Oh Oh) Ladies get it right, better get it right
(OH) He’s got me singing that la la la
(OH) So fall back, don’t be hit and you can’t deny [what the hell are we even talking about anymore???  What is he rocking?  and Why is it like solfege syllables?]
(OH) Oh yes he keep it rocking like la la la
(Sing) (Oh Oh Oh Oh) Ladies get it right, better get it rightI hope you take this as a lesson learned. This ain’t that kind of party so just let it burn. [Unlike my last one, which totally was that kind of party.  I finally got my fish bowl not smelling like metal!]

The next time you see me act like you know. I don’t play those games, don’t take me for a joke [I don't care if you really know.  Just act like you know.  Because me and man?  We fortified.]

Oh-Oh-Oh Oh Oh Yeah Rihanna
Here we go we got, we got, what him and me, we got, We got [and just like Mrs. Murray taught is in 6th grade, you want to leave your story open at the end.  A cliffhanger, if you will.][Seriously, that's how it ends.]

And they say that music today is banal and useless!  Well, BITCH, YOUR wrong.

What IS the deal with current events?/How NOT to get the clap from a desk chair

You may have heard about THIS lately.  Well, my friends, THAT happened at my old school.  Where I used to work.  Just saying.  That story is out of AUSTRALIA.  If you want the local bit, it’s HERE.  Rest assured, it’s been a while since I’ve been there, and NONE of that was going on while I was there, at least not in my vicinity, but I just thought I’d let you know.  You’re welcome.

It’s just gross to know that you sat in a chair that was in a sex video.  Even many years later, I think I’m going to get some shots to be safe.  And yes, I do mean shots of Five O’Clock Gin.  The Allendale Special.

  (A stuffed Gonorrhea Microbe.  Seriously.  $5.99)

You want me to weigh in on other current events you say?  I’m not really up on the news, as you may have read before, but I’ll try.  Here goes.

~~”Imus” is funny because it sounds like “Anus”.  Excuse me, but I think rules should apply to everyone.  If he or I can’t call someone a “ho”, then why can Yung Joc?  Ho.  However, he is not funny.  Except funny looking.

~~Lacrosse is a weird sport.  Duke kids are weird too.  I say throw ‘em in the slammer anyway for ‘lookin’ atcha sideways.’  Those kids love that old school logic humour.  Also, weird stuff wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t get discount strippers. 

~~WHAT?! Someone paid $421.200 for WHAT?!?  If you wanted some old bones, I hear Zsa Zsa’s lookin’ to prowl these days. 

~~The British pound breaks the $2 barrier.  How the fuck is this news.  Why don’t you go ask the damn British if that makes their teeth better, because you know what, IT DOESN’T!  (their teeth are gross)

~~Richard Gere kissed Shilpa Shetty.  Who cares.  Okay, some people care.  But I don’t.  I only care when famous people kissing end up with Grade A Hot Stuff like this.  —->

#’s 70-60

For you searchers out there, A. J. Pierzynski IS still a bitch and a douche bag.  Kenny Rogers DOES still have a messed up face.  Hillbillies are STILL weird, while prison tats are clearly bitchin’.  And, as aforementioned dammit, I do STILL NOT know how to tell if a goat is pregnant. 

But now, on to the good stuff.  Remember the list?  It’s that time again…

Let me first say that on a scale of 1-10 after being voted on by many people besides just me and Jim (depending on your definition of ‘many’, mine is 3), the following all earned between a 7.6 and 7.8.  Just to give you some scope. 

#70- The Olsen Twins (Aunt Becky was hot)

Jim says, “It’s true about the Aunt Becky thing.”

My sister was TOTALLY obsessed with Full House.  No, I take that back.  In our house, it was “Michelle.”  That was the name of the show.  Although, when you live on the wrong side of the ‘big hill’ and cable TV isn’t even available down your street and you only have 4 channels, you survive with that you can.  Let’s just say that the Michigan Second Chance Lottery Game Show was a HUGE moment in our Sunday Nights.  Please tell me SOMEONE from Michigan remembers what that was called, because Jeeves doesn’t remember.

#69- Trekkies

Jim says, “F yourself.  No one else will.”

Sounds like Jim’s been shunned by a trekkie or two.  [trekker?  trekkette?]  Either way, though I may not be certain of the appropriate nomenclature, I am positive that you are a strange type.  Think, if only the trekkies poured their endless energy into conversationism or something then I wouldn’t have to deal with Al Gore.

#68- Wayne Fontes

Jim says, “Worst Wayne since Wayne Newton.”

I get that driving the Lions into the ground and turning them into the laughinstock of the NFC is not a difficult job.  I get that many have done that job well.  None, however, with the amount of body fat and braggadocio that one Mr. Fontes did.  He did to the Lions what one Mr. Louie Anderson did to “The Feud.” 

#67- Barry AuH20

Jim says, “Cute.  What’s the chemical symbol for ‘you’re a F-face.’”

But, knowing this name automatically will help you in Trivial Pursuit.  I swear.  I don’t know the hell this guy is, but if it’s an old question about politics, go with Goldwater and you’ve got a shot. 

However, if you’re coming to me with advice on politics/history, then you’ve got your own problems.  I curse Adlai Stevenson daily for his stupid highway.

#66- Bobby Brown

Jim says, “What a crack whore.”

Actually, Jim, as a wise woman once said, “Crack is Whack.”  And for me, anyone who has donated musical creations to the popular ouevre is worthy of high exaltations.  Famous works like Humpin’ Around, Give It Up, and She Ain’t Worth It have changed the face of popular music.  So Jim, someone has something to say to you.

“KISS MY ASS!”

#65- Cain

Jim says, “of __& Abel”

As opposed to all of the other Cains you know. 

#64- Charlotte Church

Jim says, “If you don’t remember who this is, thank your lucky stars.”

If you were wondering what this little opera ingenue has been up to, then google her to look for a sweet nostalgic picture to put on your weblog.  You’ll get many answers very quickly. 

#63- Mark Chmura

Jim says, “Even if he weren’t a pedophile.”

THIS, my friends, is what happens when you have a name with too few vowels.  You can only break the laws of phonics for so long before it spirals.  Ask Kent Hrbek. 

#62- Mimes

Jim says, “You are a pustule on the taint of performance art.”

Yes people, it’s official.  Jim loves him some ‘taint.’  ‘Pustules’ however, that’s a new one.   Mimes are the scariest things, ever.  And I’m including Santa Clauses and Marge Schott. 

 

#61- Richard Simmons

Jim says, “More like sucking to the oldies.”

Debbie Truzskwskwski from High School had a shirt that said “West Catholic” which she had crossed out with a sharpie and written underneath, “I Heart Richard Simmons.” 

I never did get to ask her why.  Bitch.

#60- Sheriff of Nottingham

Jim says, “How about, sherriff of f-ingham?”

I remember making this list, and I remember almost everything about the compilation of the F’s.  I do not remember, how the flipping HELL we got to the Sheriff of frigging Nottingham.  I guess when you spend days playing Sega Genesis and can only get the station that is replaying “Magic Stick” and “Miss Independent” on loop, then your mind starts to lose it.

Stay tuned for some more, skanks.  It’s only up from here!