What IS the deal with Street Musicians?

The category name is from Pyramid.  Get it?  The one where F-list celebrities have to try to get hapless laypeople to guess the category from which they are listing examples?  And the old $10,000 Pyramid or whatever with Dick Clark.  That would be somewhat legit.  We all know that I prefer ripoffs like Louis Anderson doing Family Feud and the real crappy Reality Shows like that one where T.L.C (or is it T.C.?) try to find a new ‘L’ so they can make another bad attempt at a comeback.  Mmmm.   Tastes good. This Pyramid is the one with your favourite Mormon, Donny OSMOND!   [insert culotte throwing sound here].

Anyway, this one really comes from my beautiful wife.  She is the one downtown almost every day for Law School.  But she doesn’t have a keen website like this, so I get to share the story.

So you are walking around downtown and you see someone playing a saxophone on the street corner.  They’re probably REALLY good so you’re looking at them wondering, “How did they end up here?  If they’re that good, then what sort of crazy circumstances led them to Wacker and Jackson?  I’m guessing forest fire.  If only I could’ve helped prevent those damn forest fires like Smokey had asked me to…..” You may be crazy, but at least you don’t like the St. Louis Cardinals.  Yuck. 

But I don’t know if you’ve noticed that the street musicians have really started to fall off when it comes to pure talent.  Well, okay maybe not.  They’ve just gotten weirder.  Picture this:  Walking down the street and you hear a quiet patting.  Like that of a playful kitten pouncing upon a tissue box.  But NO!  It’s some homeless-looking guy hitting an upside-down empty Starbucks cup with a couple of pencils!  Pencils!  Are you really telling me that you couldn’t find anything better than an EMPTY CUP in downtown Chicago?  Seriously?  You couldn’t find a box to hit?  A fallen down street sign?  Tourists?  Aldermen?  Come on!  Something’s gotta be louder and have more surface area than a CUP!  Surface area.  That’s the key.

Or maybe you could unite with street musician number 2–‘man with Sousaphone.’  That’s right, a Sousaphone.  1st of all, a Sousaphone is awfully large.  If I’m homeless, I’m making all ‘hermit crab’ with my Sousaphone and turn it into a sweet pad.  I’m not really homeless if I gots me my Sousaphone and a 40 of Milwaukee’s Best Ice I picked up from that weirdo dollar store where they sell whoopee cushions and doo-rags.  Sweet.  2ndly, this particular Sousaphonist (as he rightfully deserves to be called, naturally) didn’t seem to understand how to play a Sousaphone.  It was as if he and the mighty tuba variant had haphazardly crossed diverged paths and together they took the road MUCH LESS traveled.  Which, in downtown Chicago, where might one come upon a Sousaphone?  It wasn’t nice, so it probably wasn’t hot.  But there’s not exactly a special Sousaphone dumping spot anywhere downtown that I know of.  Maybe in Lincoln Park—those people are strange.  Even so, that’s a long way for a man with a Sousaphone to traverse just to get downtown to not know how to play it for the morning marathoners.  Strange.  And lastly, why don’t you just sell that thing?  Do you know how much those could be worth!  It’s like finding an Alfa Romeo and using it to sleep in!  That’s like coming across Julia Child and asking her to ‘just sit there and look pretty, my little Lardo. You don’t have to make me anymore sandwiches.’  Hello; just Craig’s List the damn thing from the Library and you’ll have enough scrilla to buy sufficient “Jewish Chronicle Newspapers (ok, those are actually free from those wee boxes on the corner….they’re in the green ones) and empty Starbucks cups to build yourself a frickin’ mansion out in Oswego or Sandwich or something!  Come on people!

Somewhere I can hear C and C Music Factory singing “Things that make you go, ‘hmmm’.”

Published in: on 9 March 2006 at 4*18 pm  Leave a Comment  

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