What IS the deal with casserole?

Okay, I don’t get casserole.  So I looked it up on Dictionary.com and found this definition.  Notice nowhere here does it say, “multiple foods dance together in an orgy of deceit, desperately trying to convince potential consumers that tuna and peas can live as one.”  So why, then, oh why, does it happen?

Thanksgiving is a scary day for me.  I hate gravy.  Yuck.  Yellow, Brown, Puce, what-the-hell-ever color it is; it all sucks.  Just the idea of it–it’s glorified grease people!  Start the revolution!  Rid the world of gravy!  If only Hamas cared about getting rid of gravy instead of innocent people—I don’t think you’d have half the complaints!  Hop on the bus, Gus!

I digress.  Gravy gets on everything.  Yes, your Great-Aunt Mayleene (who’s really someone’s cousin, though you’re not sure whose) may tell you that it goes with everything.  But nothing goes with everything.  Nothing.  If Bar-B-Q sauce can’t do it, then dammit; nothing can. 

So I dropped gravy like a bad habit. (what the hell does that mean?  If it’s a bad habit, then why the heck did you let it get to a point where you have to ‘drop it.’  And, if you’ve gotten to that point, what are the odds you’ll actually stop?  Ask me!  I’ve been chewing my nails since baby teeth.)  But still, why do foods touch?  This isn’t a southern debutante dance…there is no cotillion.  Why is everything mingling???  Why can’t the food stay separated like at my junior high dances?  Boys on one side, girls on the other.  Never the ‘twixt shall meet.  No stuffing on my turkey.  You know what bliss would be?  Fancy plates that have those dividers.  Now THAT’S ingenuity.  Go ahead and steal that idea.  I’m too lazy and although you’ll be rich, at least I’ll have untainted food.  (taint is funny  (:  )

But no, with casserole, you can’t even segregate and scrape off the intrusion.  It all cooks together in a big heap of foods that I can bet you Juila Child never thought to put together!  Oooh, Ham Hocks and Carrot Peel!  Water Chestnuts, Ketchup, and Salmon Patties!  Mayonnaise!  (okay, i know.  But mayo is frigging sick.  Sick.)  Who does that?  If people want to mix the foods together, then make them separately and they can mix on their own.  Look, people need options!  Give me freedom!  (I’m sure that’s what the framers had in mind.)

I apologize to the Campbell’s soup people, for if my revolution were to catch on (I’m giving myself way too much credit here.  Like anyone even reads this schlock….), I’m guessing the global consumption of Cream of Mushroom Soup would plummet.  I’m sorry.  I’ll get some Chicken and Stars to make up for it.  Mmm mmm Good!


Published in: on 10 March 2006 at 7*39 pm  Leave a Comment  

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