#’s 257-247

I’d like to take this opportunity to remind the listening audience that this will get racy. I should begin with saying, that for the rest of THE LIST, I’ll be abbreviating the F word with the letter F. I know, you are all thinking, “Give it to me straight up, you little pantywaste!” (yes, I spelled it that way on purpose—I did always think it meant waste of panties—i know, i know…) And in fact, one of our later nominees are people that don’t use the F word. And here I am not using it. I guess that makes me the real #1. We’ll all just have to know. I’m hiding my head in shame that I’m doing this, but there comes a time in life where we all pussy out, and this is mine. I’d like to thank the academy. Play me off, Sam.

[If you don’t understand what’s going on, find the ‘prologue’ under The List category. It was March 15th. It explains everything.]

Oh one more thing—if you yourself fall in one of these categories—that’s okay! We all do! I do, my co-creator does….we’re all true F’s every once in a while. Embrace it! Laugh at yourself, that way you can still laugh at everyone else and justify it! Without any further ado…

#257- The Fine Young Cannibals

Jim says, “Quite possibly the worst band name ever.  At least since Flock of Seagulls.”

I don’t understand my personal aversion to the FYC, it could be that dude’s annoying voice, the groups’ unwillingness to confirm to social mores, or the fact that they’re just DAMN TERRIBLE! 

#256- Marie Sklodowska Curie

Jim says, “Her husband’s name was Pierre incidentally.  This is what she gets for overshadowing him.”

Ouch, Jim!  Someone’s in touch with their misogyny.  Bold!  (you see what I did there, was I said ‘Bold!’ but then put it in bold to make it funnier.  free lessons.) It just bothers me that so many people know who she is, but not what she did.  Oh wait, this just in, she didn’t really do anything?  Discovered something?  Oh my. 

#255- Margaret Thatcher

Jim says, “If you in any part paved the way for Hillary Clinton, then you are officially an F.”

I’d like to take this moment to sidebar a particular favorite lyric of mine from the constantly turning, deft mind of rapper Nelly .  This is from his famed work “Grillz.”  And I quote:

 “Where I got em you can spot them
On da top in da bottom
Gotta bill in my mouth like i’m Hillary Rodham”

You don’t get songs like that about you, do you Mags?

#254- Michael Douglas

Jim says, “Less for his acting then his general worthlessness.”

I agree, Jimby.  Acting-wise, he’s not all that bad.  He is married to Catherine Zeta-Jones, a proud Welsh woman (The Welsh will take over this world soon, I assure you.  Any culture whose ‘Bob’ is ‘Llewellyn’ and has 100% literacy, watch out.) which is boffo for him.  But come on, what’s with the political jags Mikey?  (see name link) And why must you be so darned creepy.  Ick.

#253- Josh Hartnett

Jim says, “Most useless actor on this list?  I wouldn’t bet against him.”

Agreed.  Now public, keep in mind that when we did this list, he was at the height of popularity.  I feel little need to add anything more since he has recently plummeted to the red planet of obscurity—hey Josh, say hi to Kris Kross for me!

#252- Kenny Loggins

Jim says, “Thanks for the Caddyshack song.  And for fading into irrelevancy.”

Ditto that!  It’s like we made this list together.  My problem is that after Loggins and Messina, there’s no where but down.  Okay, I suppose that’s not 100% true….clarification….if you’re Kenny Loggins, there’s no where to go but down.

#251- The Beach Boys

Jim says, “It’s sad that one of history’s best harmonizing ensembles had such a lame schtick.”

Oooh.  Didn’t see the Beach Boys coming?  Yeah, that’s a surprise.  But seriously, if you separate their ouevre from the people, then you see.  Their catologue is something splendid, but they were a bunch of old white dudes dressed constantly in Hawai’ian gear.  (yes, that’s an apostrophe.  Meli kelikimaka!) And the classic appearance on Full House was a bit of a let down.  Why would you let UNCLE JESSE sit in?!?  Have some self-respect!

#250- The Grinch/Scrooge

Jim says, “Bah HumF…”

Okay, sorry Jim.  I didn’t quote you exactly.  Who steals Christmas?  Why ruin Christmas?  What’s wrong with you.  Let me clarify, these two stole the Santa Christmas.  I could understand if maybe Scrooge was Jewish and really needed to get some work done after being forced to work year after year on Rosh Hashanah because his Protestant boss ‘didn’t get it.’  But no, these two stole the Santa Christmas…the one everyone could enjoy!  You have a problem with presents?!?!?

#249- Archimedes

Jim says, “Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with Archimedes.  Although, he’s not Aristotle, that’s for damn sure.”

Well Jim, this goes back to my friend Callista  from High School.  For some reason, one of us, and I can’t even remember who, had to a huge report on Archimedes’ Screw.  Say that out loud.  Your life will never be the same again. 

#248- Gay Waiters

Jim says, “I have no problem with the fact that you’re gay.  However, hitting on me will not improve your tip.”

Ouch, culturally insensitive, perhaps.  This had just come after a difficult week for Jim.  (: 

#247- Joshua Jackson

Jim says, “Which is worse, being the kid from Free Willy, or the kid everyone thinks was in Free Willy?  I’ll vote for J.J.”

Nicely done, James.  I don’t know if you saw Urban Legends, but if you did, enough said. 

–this concludes our 11 F’s for today.  Stay tuned for more!


Published in: on 16 March 2006 at 4*06 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. 1)Well done. I’m very excited for the rest of this to be unveiled.
    2)For those not in the know, this list originally topped off at 295. We did some paring down to avoid offending people who didn’t put themselves out for this (ie folks out of the “public eye” that we knew personally). If you’re famous, I think you’re automatically fair game to be labeled a massive F.
    C)Andrew, since you’ve done it twice now, check the difference between confirm and conform.
    4) Marie Curie discovered radiation, which is probably pretty important. However she did die from long term radiation exposure. Serves her right.

  2. My problem with the Fine Young Cannibals? The lead singer’s teeth. Dude had some serious orthodontial issues going on, which, ew.

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