‘Endurance Hawai’i’ -or- ‘NBC Thinks of Ways to Encourage Child Abuse’

If you people didn’t already know this, my wife and I (hard to say who’s more, really….nope….nope it’s me….i’m the bigger sucker here) are HUGE reality T.V. watchers.  It’s crazy.  We’re talking everything out there, including but not limited to, the obscure ones.  Not just Survivor, Top Model, Idol, Amazing Race….no!  We enjoy specialty shows such as Project Runway, R U the Girl? (T no-L C), and Wickedly Perfect. (which those CBS bastards took off the air before it was even over!  Who wins?  Who is the most perfect?  Bastards.)  Oh, and Mr. Personality!  Surely you recall the show where the girl had to date dudes who wore these bizarre colored masks?  No, you don’t?  What about the fact that Monica Lewinsky was the host and sat down with this girl and ‘dished’ about her feelings?  Still no?  Too bad, sounds good huh?  All because you were watching some complete crap like NCIS or CSI or Ghost Whisperer.  Or the News.  Pansy. 

Well, one of our favourite indulgences is a show called Endurance .  They are now on the 4th season of this little gold nugget, and so now it is Endurance: Tehachapi.  Just what is a Tehachapi you may be wondering?  This is it.  Lame.  What reality show tapes in the U.S. anymore?  Pathetic.

First of all, this weekend was an Endurance:Hawai’i marathon, to prepare for tonite’s BIG SEASON FINALE OF ENDURANCE: TEHACHAPI!  OMG!

Here’s the glorious premise in a nutshell.  Kids (yes kids, we’re guessing Junior High age…) are sent to a remote location (see Tehachapi—Southern California…ouch!) where they are forced to do Survivor-esque tasks.  There’s just one difference—on Survivor, they are all adults!  Also, for Endurance, the KIDS (i can’t emphasize this enough) don’t have to do the menial mental tasks that involve thinking.  All the tasks involve lifting something up as long as you can, or squatting and holding something up with your head until your legs DIE.  All in the rain, too.  Everyonce in a while, though, we get a nifty reprive and the adolescents don’t have to do something grueling.  (Everyone remember the best use of ‘grueling’ ever?  That’s right, the breakneck pace at which you would set your oxen on the Oregon Trail just so you could see how fast you could kill off Zeke with Dysentery.  That Zeke was such a fruit.)  Instead, we have a popularity contest!  Now, the cool kids get to gang up on the not-as-cool but way smarter kids who make better life-choices so that they can win and be the ultimate Homecoming Queens!  Yay!

Still though, the best part is their “Tribal Council” which is re-named, “THE TEMPLE OF FATE.”  oooh, scary.  Here, the team that has won the last “Temple Mission” gets to send two teams to “THE TEMPLE”; one of which shall ne’er return.  The music and the lights and everything lend themselves to setting quite a scene.  My wife and I were watching this the first time, and this part almost seemed like we weren’t watching a show on NBC at 11h30 on Saturday Morning.  (Endurance is usually on Discovery Kids but is allowed to foray into the post-cartoon ‘tween’ [what a gross word, how’d you like to be a ‘tween’] crowd)  When the teams arrive at this “TEMPLE” they have to do some sort of game that my wife and I have have not yet determined the schema for.  INTENSE!  Then, smarmy host, J.D. Roth (destined for THE LIST no doubt, plus he’s the Exec. Pro, meaning we have someone to aim the tomatoes at…), describes an enchanting “game of the spirits” where each team has to inscribe one natural element (fire, water, or wood [wood?  seriously? what happened to Earth, or Heart?  Wait, that’s Captain Planet , which ruled!  ‘Captain Planet, he’s our hero, gonna take polution down to zero‘ Aww, hell yeah! I’ma recycle like crazy, Captain!]) onto an enchanted piece of bamboo.  Then, the chunks of wood are hurled into the, oh yes, the “BURNING CAULDRON!”  Whoa!  Enchanting!

Finally, host J.D., asks each team’s dominant element to show itself! (that sounds like the abuse is taking a dark turn—I apologize…just a poor choice of words…)  Then each team’s chosen element rises.  To me, the big question is how’d the spirits of Southern California know what those 12 year olds wrote on their bamboo snippets??!?!  What?  There’s cameras and people all around?  Not fair!  Then, one element defeats another.  E.G., Water puts out Fire, Fire takes down Wood, and my favourite, Wood floats on Water.  When we are watching this, this is the part where my perfectly beautiful wife goes, “Congratulations!  Your ‘water’ puts out their ‘fire’!  You are clearly superior!”  Now, to the uneducated, you may be saying, “This sounds an awful lot like Rock-Paper-Scissors “.  Shame on you!  “An enchanted, spirits-evoking, let’s pit two teams of weeping adolescents against each other RPS, maybe”, I say!  [Huff] Then the losers disappear, “Never to be seen again.”  Except by obscurity and the IRS. 

You can’t see that on CSI:Kalamazoo or whatever they’re up to now! 

Published in: on 20 March 2006 at 3*40 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dude! My husband and I are soooo addicted to Endurance. The best is when they bring back the kids that were the big losers from the previous season, and they’re like 2 feet taller and 20 times stronger than the new kids.

    Do you find it funny how they never show the kids with any adult supervision? I mean, are these kids just allowed to go off and do whatever they want? How and what do they eat? Who cleans their team t-shirts?

  2. See? This is why you guys eff up our TiVo every time you stay over.

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