#’s 246-236

Thus begins your 2nd installment of “The List.”  Please review the prologue if you are virginal to this topic!
#246- Orel Hershiser

Jim says, “I’ve actually come to appreciate Hersh as an excellent broadcaster.  Bottom line though, his name’s still Orel.”

Someone’s on the nickname basis! (see ‘Hersh’) Orel is a funny name.  Especially when I thought ‘Oh, he’s just from the South.  They have different rules down there.’  But no, he’s from Buffalo.  What the hell.  Plus he went to college in Ohio.  Yuck.

#245- Marie Antoinette

Jim says, “Beheaded bitch.  Ya got what was comin’ to ya.”

Yes indeed, friends.  You know you’re in trouble when Wikipedia even points out that you were known as the “Austrian Bitch” or the “Austrian Whore.”  Too bad she didn’t stick around longer…I heard she was one step away from being the “Austrian Woman Of Ill-Repute” or my favourite, the “Austrian Asshat .”

#244- Alfalfa

Jim says, “Both the sprout and the obnoxious character from the “Little Rascals.”

First of all, go to that top link.  I’m a friggin’ genious.  I just hate the sprouts because my Father (love you dad!) always told me about how he used to eat one alfalfa sprout at a time, for some strange reason I don’t recall.  I don’t dislike sprouts, it was just strange and now I have this weird memory.  Also, ‘alfalfa’ is a stupid word. 

#243Bela Karolyi

Jim says, “Ze Ukraine not weak!  Ze Ukraine strong!”

Okay, now I know all of you are thinking, “Silly, Bela Karolyi is from Romania.”  Yes, we know.  There is just an inherent guilelessness in saying out loud “Ze Ukraine.”  With an emphasis on the U part.  Try it.  Again.  See?  Told you.  “You can do it, Kerry!”

#242Doogie Howser, M.D.

Jim says, “Can anyone take that dude seriously now?  Like, ever?”

Dude, no one made me feel like a more worthless kid than Doogie.  First of all, he was barely older than me and there was no way I was making it out of school in time to be a Doctor by age 10 or whatever!  Not fair!  Plus, I did not have a computer of my own, nor a window nearby a roof for my friend Vinny to come in to keep me grounded in an under-achiever’s society! I didn’t even have a friend named Vinny.  Oh, Vinny.  (p.s., Vinny’s on the Soprano’s!  Benny Fazio, yo!)

#241- Eve

Jim says, “Of the Bible fame.  Bitch stay off the apple!”

Yes, that Eve.  Jim and I thought that she deemed destined to be at the top of this list, until our feminist friends were allowed to vote.  Turns out, some people don’t really care that she was essentially the first one to embrace the ways of ‘mortal sin.’  Seems like something that’d put you at the top of the list, but I guess the Vagina Monologues are more important than looking at the facts!  (I’m sort of kidding…go, vag!)

#240- Greg Kinnear

Jim says, “At least Michael Douglass can act occasionally.”

I don’t recall how Snr. Kinnear ended up on this list.  I’m actually quite the fan of Talk Soup and As Good As It Gets.  (As i was typing that, I accidentally typed As Food As It Gets and thought about what a good movie that’d be.  Mmm, I love food.)  I’m sure though, that he must have done something warranting an appearance on the list.  Especially considering he surpassed Eve. 

#239- Weathermen

Jim says, “You’re not funny.”

Not to be confused with The Weathermen , Weathermen in general are quite annoying.  Plus they’re always with the attempts at funny.  No!  And for you meteorology fans out there (and I know you number many), I do draw the line here.  You are okay.  Weathergirls–also okay.  It’s weathermen.  And old weird ones, that try to be funny and clever like your Great-Uncle Jethro. 

How about Jerry Taft in particular.  Grizzled war-vet and now weatherman for ABC 7 in Chicago.  I remember one particular time when there was a clip on the news about two local ice skaters who were training and took a bad fall and the girl ate the ice face first with some real momentum.  It was a disturbing clip that was making the rounds of the news that week, and ABC 7 showed it as much as any.  One repeat of it however, featured Jerry Taft exclaiming, “Damn it! Why the hell did we show that again!” probably not realizing he was still being taped.  If you’ve seen him in action, you know how good this shizzle is.  Oh Jerry. 

#238- Girls Who Don’t Put Out

Jim says, “You know you are.  C’mon, give it up already.”

Ah, did I mention we wrote this list in college during what was clearly a time of frustration?  Clearly the big 180 is underway now that some of us are having children.  In that case, “Viva la Abstinence!”

#237- Susan B. Anthony

Jim says, “….Whattadyke…

Another phrase commonly heard around the Locust Court apartment…(sounds nice huh?  All plague-y and stuff.  And there were many Sig Taus playing Edward 40-Hands to keep us entertained.  oh….memories….)  Susan made this list most likely as a pre-emptive direct affront to our feminist friends.  Like W. always says, “Mission: Accomplished.”

#236- Amaya From Real World:Hawai’i

Jim says, “Pre-Trishelle, she was the craziest-ass bitch in the history of the show.”

A great ending note for today’s installment.  Amaya was so creepy.  And for some reason, that was the one (Hawai’i) that we all remembered so clearly.  Until Trishelle came around and “sluttiness” was officially given a new definition.  (that’s hyperbole, I checked Dictionary.com and the definition is technically still the same.  You see what I did there……)  No matter how bad AMAYA was, at least she never questioned whether or not she was pregnant on the show!  Sorry, Amaya, your “not-as-skankiness” has sent you with Josh Jackson and Kris Kross to the land of ‘San Obscurity.’  Send a postcard!

Published in: on 21 March 2006 at 1*53 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. A few notes of clarification:
    ~Of course Bela Karolyi isn’t Ukrainian, but 1) is there really that big of a difference? and B) I thought you, of all people, would get the Seinfeld reference, oh well.
    ~Greg Kinnear is on this list for his general aura of douchiness.
    ~Just cause you’re preggers, doesn’t mean the rest of the world’s “gettin’ some”. You’ve gotta view this list globally, my friend. You say Viva La Abstinence, I say Viva La Deflowerment.*

    *Let it be understood that many of my comments in regards to The List and various items contained therein are strictly tongue in cheek and made for my own amusement. But not that part about Greg Kinnear, he really is a douche.

  2. Okay, I’ll comment on my own website, because I’m like that. I did miss the Seinfeld reference. It was too deeply embedded and I was thinking real shallow, baby pool like.

    Plus, I love your P.S. Nice. I live for your clarifications.

  3. Just because I rarely get a chance to correct Jim, I’d like to take this opportunity to say that there IS in fact a difference between Russia and the Ukraine now. While many Ukranians speak mostly Russian, they do have their own language. :)

  4. I’m pretty sure Romania isn’t in Russia. WhaBAM! Besides, you and your crazy “official political status” are full of it anyway. Russkie is as Russkie does in my book, so it’s all the same Eastern European/Eurasian crap. :)

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