Episode 3- “What’cha Gonna Do With All That Junk, All That Junk Inside That Trunk?”

My wife’s parents, who we refer to as Captain and Tennille, (long story…felt awkward for me to call them ‘mom and dad’, so a discussion of famous duos ensued…resulting in today’s final denouement-‘Captain and Tennille’) have a cottage in Wisconsin.  Thanks, guys!  Because now, my wife and I get to take a long weekend and drive up there and chill out like you just can’t do round these parts.  They have stars up there, too!  It’s like a planetarium, only outside!

Today we are super busy after school, (see Doctor’s Office, Queen concert) and are then driving up this evening.  The two dogsters are coming along, which meant something had to happen to the Honda.  You know when for some reason you need a back seat, and you grab everything in the car and just throw it in the trunk, figuring you’ll clean it later?  Well, that had happened about 4 times with nary a clean in between.  Scary.  And, I had had a bad history with trunks.  [cue flashback music]  I remember [funny lights] a time [cloud up screen] back at Valpo when…… (insert Wayne’s World doodle-oodle-oo thing here)

My wife and I had been driving around for quite a while with my car smelling pretty bad.  Now, I have a well-noted foot odor problem, so we had no particularly new reason to wonder… my dad was down from Grand Rapids with the purpose of bringing back some of my stuff that I was not going to be able to fit in the Sunbird when I was to return home the next week.  We loaded up his pick-up, so then my Dad, my Wife, and I all had to use the Sunbird to get around.  My Dad, being accustomed to my feet, detected that the smell was something worse.  We wanted to check the oil, but it was frigging pouring.  So, we pulled into the Porter Memorial Hospital Parking Garage so we could check the car.  My father went to check the oil, and asked if I had anything to wipe off the dipstick (hee) with, so I went to check the trunk.  As I opened the trunk, a massive wave came over me like a veritable tsunami of funk.  Laying before me in a massive stinking heap was the left-over ham from Easter my Grandma had sent me off with to school!  Mind you it was the end of May by now.  Yuck.  I picked it up gingerly, and laid it on the ground of the parking structure, a move that seemed insufficient to my wife.  She was like, “ah hell, no” and picked up the bag of meat and hurled it like the amazing softball player she is clear across the whole damn structure.  The three of us drove off into the sunset, never to speak of this again.  Except for them, who make fun of me all the damn time………[fade back…..]

See, trunks and I are like Hamas and Israelis—when we meet, it’s not pretty.  So yesterday, I’m cleaning out my trunk.  Some things stayed in the trunk, and a bunch had to come inside or into the garbage can.  After throwing away the garbage, the following items (which necessitated 5 trips into the domicile) remained on the curb, like a tribute to a fallen.  This is what was spelunked out of the cavernous trunk of the ’95 Prelude:

4 books of Church Music (arranged for happy Praise Bands, can I get a hallelujah!)

7 books of Church tunes arranged for piano solo (preludes and postludes people…)

2 Mannheim Steamroller piano solo books

1 (super embarrassing) Jim Brickman Christmas music arranged for piano solo book

1 ziploc baggie containing hand held orange juicer and assorted plastic cutlery

2 bowling balls (stayed in trunk…..almost time for next installment of “proposition: bowling” as my Sister-in-Law calls it…)

1 can of dog food (our dogs don’t eat canned dog food….)

1 flare (stayed in trunk….emergencies???)

Assorted computer cords

1 keyboard (for computer)

1 unidentifiable corpse  (I prefer the term “cadaver”)

1 alto saxophone

Church envelopes (for offerings)

1 set of Captain Morgan Mardi Gras beads…..(thanks to crotchball!  long story, another day….)

1 printer (for computer)

1 pair of black jeans (ones Tennille and my wife had to buy for me at the Pamida right before my band camp concert……I was the counselor…..just to clarify….)

7 socks (assorted)

1 Empty Norah Jones CD case (do you have my CD?  I thought so.  There’s a reward.  It’s a can of dog food)

1 Bungee cord (stayed in trunk, again emergencies)

1 Folded up Garment Bag

1 bag of cherry candies (for the pregnant wife)

1 bag containing Stella’s heartworm pills

1 My dignity

Who are we kidding, I lost my dignity a long time ago.  Also, one of those other ones above is just a joke, obviously. 

I don’t have a printer!


Published in: on 23 March 2006 at 3*41 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. 1.) Vote NO! On Proposition: Bowling!

    2.) Once our Elantra started stinking and it was a rotting mango in the trunk. Not as good as a ham, but more tropical.

    3.) It’s like the SAT Analogies. You:trunks::I:vacuums.

  2. I LOVE the ham story! We all still mock you for it! But, you know you love it!

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