Episode 4- “March 28th, 2006; The Day I Gave Birth”

Tuesday–a day which I usually have Church practice was upon me.  However, my now nearly 30-week pregnant wife and I had to begin a new month-long, once-a-week ritual.  Baby Class.

Now, I had just thought this was normal, but for some reason when I mentioned this to people, everyone's question rang out in unison, "They still do that??"  So for those of you with the same question, yes.  Yes, they do still do that.  Only these days it comes with a nifty power-point presentation as well as an option for free hot-cocoa.  (Do it yourself, style, hey…it's not the Ritz…)

Our group is small.  It is my wife and I (who naturally, I consider to be typical.  Right?  At least when it comes to what to expect at a baby class…) and 3 other couples.  One couple that seems to be foreign, and based on my Polski knowledge from teaching where I teach, I'd guess Polish.  Another couple (I'm going counter-clockwise if you're drawing a picture of the event, as if I'm going to ask you a 'logic question' about this, LSAT style…) is beside them, and they are not married to each other, while the husband of the mother is not there.  A fill-in.  No big deal.  At least now.  Stay tuned.  Lastly, there are 2 women.  Naturally, I think lesbians, my wife thinks sisters.  We'll keep you posted on the news here too.

Our teacher is great.  She knows how to keep us interested and explain everything real carefully.  It's nice.  We get to half-time and it is time for a break.  Wifey and I hit up the soda machine (accidentally, I was just trying to make change since the snack machine wouldn't take dollars….bastard…) and then returned to the room.  Apparently, now it was time for the breathing practice.  So we sat on the floor and began to do our exercises.  Now, this is kind of awkward, but everyone's doing it so it's no big deal.  Now, we're (the coaches) supposed to be massaging the breathers so that they are super-comfortable.  I'm not judging here, but let me just say that to me, this is where we become sure that they are just sisters.  The non-married couple however (I repeat, the mother is married to a husband who is absent) is getting more and more handsy.  Oh well, not my problem.  Look at us, though, we're model students!  We're baby all-stars!  We can breathe with the best of them.  Wait a minute, the teacher's looking right at me….what's going on, here?  Is everything okay?  You're going to "use" me for something?  All right, bring it on!

The teacher then ambles over to our little baby corner and tells Kristin to get up.  She apparently never does this exercise with an actual pregnant lady.  I'm getting a bit more nervous about this at this point.  Please tell me that what I think is not really about to….ope….yes it is.  "You (me) will be the mother, lie on your back here and your wife and I will hold your feet."  Now I know what stirrups are, though I've never seen anyone in them.  Suddenly though, I knew what that was like.  So here I am in a dark room with relaxing music with 6 bizarre strangers and I am on my back, legs akimbo flailing around like a crazed hampster.  She's telling me to push or something….the details are all quite shaky at this point.  Yes, I played along, and I was an excellent baby-bringer-outer.  I even made a pained look on my face to show my agony.  It was a little miracle.  Now I understand.

As an aside, I'd also like to thank whichever lucky stars guided me to wearing the 1 pair of jeans that do not have some sort of hole in the crotch to class that night.  Good call. 

P.S.  On a completely unrelated note, if you are like some random person who came to this site to see Nelly's opinion on homelessness, I'm guessing he's against it.  Just trying to please everyone who stumbled upon me!  (watch it…..not what I meant you pervs…..yes, I could've just erased it though……who's really at fault here?……I blame Ohio.)

Published in: on 30 March 2006 at 4*07 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. I’m totally sending you with our video camera next time.

    Ohio sucks.

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