Really Short Commercial Break

As I've realized, I don't talk much on here about how awesome it is that my wife is pregnant.  She's awesome enough by herself, the fact that now there's another whole person inside her is absolutely amazing.  Unbelievable. 

Last nite I was laying (gently people, it's not like I was letting him drive the car…) on my wife's stomach and he actually kicked me in the face.  To most people this may seem comical, but it was probably the surreal-est moment that I have ever been in the room for.  Seriously. 

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Published in: on 27 April 2006 at 12*59 pm  Comments (4)  

Episode 6- “Let’s Start a Key~tar Renaissance”

Like a moth to flame, I am, at last, returning.  Like Kenny Rogers, I am making a new-faced comeback.  Like Tammy Faye Bakker, no matter how hard I try, it all still sucks. 

Zing!

In case you were desperately wondering why nothing new has happened, and I know you all were, I have been on Spring Break.  The time when the birds return, the rodents are twitterpating, and life is anew.  And man, was I productive.  I painted two whole walls and a table top, put together a cabinet and a crib, and with the help of my handyman father, put up part of a fence.  Life is grand.

All the while, I was totally thinking of the million things I'd write about if only we actually had an internet connection.  I thought about writing them down, but thought that that seemed a little twerked, so instead  I kept a memory bank.  There were serious visions of grandeur–this was going to be bigger than the time that the people from Law & Order SUV worked with the people from Law & Order Plain.  Wow.  Temptation Island 3 big.  Whitney Houston Cocaine-Induced Deviated Septum big. 

I forgot.  I know I was going to mention the weird people humping in front of Thedore's when my wife and I were looking for a restaurant (we opted out of that choice) but beside what you just heard, that's really it.  So that's no good.  Some story about a guy drinking a miller lite while driving down the road beside me, but that's not really funny; just stupid.  So, I narrowed it down to the one giant Comedy of Errors really worth mentioning: Miss USA

Are these pageants demeaning towards women?  Mayhaps. 

Are they perpetuating an impossible standard for todays youth?  Ostensibly.

Is it some kick-ass viewing?  You bet your sweet Aspercreme!

First of all, there's our nifty hosts, Drew "Jazz Hands" Lachey and Nancy "Who?" O'Dell.  Or as I like to call them, Beige and Ecru.  Or as I should say, Beige that has to change her damn outfit every friggin' commercial break and Ecru that is really a good foot to short to stand next to her which actually works out to his advantage as he is CONSTANTLY taking every opportunity to stare down whichever dress she has on at the moment, actually making the duo slightly more entertaining to watch.  Malheureusement, we have colour commentary from last year's Miss Usa (fresh off her NBC cooking debacle.  *gag*  But yeah, I guess I did watch the finale, but what else is on on a Saturday Nite?  Ghost Whisperer?  My ass.) and her new best friend, Carson Kressley, who I certainly think should get an award for being the gayest person ever.  Except for this guy.  Well, and this guy.  Okay, 2nd runner up.  Just like Miss Ohio.  NO ANDY!  DON'T RUIN THE ENDING FOR ME!  YOU MUST TELL ME THE WHOLE STORY IN ORDER!!! NO!!!  It's okay my friends, it just gets better from here.

Then there's the parade of nations.  Except states.  And District of Columbia.  Which, by the way, if D.C. gets to enter someone, what about Puerto Rico?  or Guam?  Canada?  Let's be equal opportunity here!  So I look to check on the usuals….you have to find your hometowners….Michigan and Illinois are both pretty…that's good.  Michigan even has dark hair.  That's short! Crazy!  But she's probably from Midland or somewhere weird like that anyway.  Nope, Lapeer.  That's okay I suppose.  And she went to CMU, current scholastic year home of my sister.  Fine.  Moving on.  California is always hot.  So is Hawai'i.  Normal.  No big deal.  Ohio is usually ugly and you don't usually get top results from a New Hampshire or a New Mexico, but overall, we're okay.  No big deal. 

We narrow it down to 15 which is fine.  Michigan didn't make it [whatever] and Ohio did [blech], but we go on.  Now it's time for the bikini contest.  Wait, really?  Didn't we have a whole big giant issue with the whole swimsuit competition?  Wasn't there a lawsuit?  I guess not.  So, the 15 women get to wear their beach attire and high heel shoes while walking down some steps and to different spots on a stage, which some of them seemed to do more like a really confused 13-year old on Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? phrenetically dancing around a colorated [LF term for y'all there…if you don't know don't ask] map of Africa DESPERATELY trying to locate Lesotho.  Just walk towards the light girls.  Then five get knocked out.  Then Evening Gowns and five more go.  Five left after all of this, only one of which actually seems like she knows where she is and even she is one enchilada short of a combination plate.  Seriously, of the last 5, these are there college choices; [not ripping on any particular college, of course…everyone's smart in this world….yay yay peace blah blah] San Diego State University (California), Columbus State Community College (Ohio), Somerset Community College (Kentucky), Coosa Valley Technical High School (Georgia),and University of Alabama (Florida).  Wait, how'd that last one sneak in there?  Oh wait, sorority.  Got it.  Anyway, they all answer (miserably) questions from the "celebrity" judges (including Jillian Barberie, and even, gasp, Donald Trump Jr.!  Ooh!) and then plunder back to their little cardboard circle on the stage THAT WE CAN SEE NBC! Let's try to be less obvious!  Let me think that they can at least stand in a line on their own!  Or don't.  Either way.  Wait, Drew Lachey has to get another glance in.  Yup, good.  Wait, our gay colour commentator has something to say?  Nope, just general kvetching.  Then, our friend Kentucky, who lists her strongest talent as 'being able to communicate with people' (translated to : talking) who ended her question with "….so, yeah!" takes the crown from California who at least half answered her question like you'd expect a 4th grader to.  Fine and dandy. 

BUT, the BEST PART OF THE WHOLE DAMNED EVENT was the music that accompanied the various parades of underfed overinflated women.  Nancy O'Dell introduces the best part of the nite, The East Village Opera Company.  Here is the description from the Miss Usa page, and I quote:

EAST VILLAGE OPERA COMPANY

New to the 2006 show, the Pageant will include live performances throughout the telecast by The East Village Opera Company, which takes classical opera arias and turns them into bona fide rock anthems.

The East Village Opera Company- a powerhouse five-piece band, a string quartet, and two outstanding vocalists-brings the towering emotion and timeless musicality of opera into the 21st century on its Decca/Universal Classics debut with its inventive, hard-hitting arrangements of the music's "greatest hits" – including "La Donna E Mobile" from Rigoletto, "Habanera" from Carmen, and "Nessun Dorma" from Turandot – performed at full length and in the original languages.

Seriously?  And look at them.  What a bunch of scrubs.  But I didn't quite believe what I was hearing when the Techno music started.  I was like, Techno with strings?  Okay.  Crazed girl screaming Habanera over the music in a tortured French accent and a totally hip ripped up AC/DC t-shirt? Fine.  Dude with Key~tar?  NOW, let's open the fun floodgates! [By the way, when they say songs in their 'full length', they're not telling you the truth. That bee-atch warbled habanera for seriously 15 damn minutes. Somewhere, a dead Georges Bizet was saying, "YES! Someone bastardized my music again in a completely different way!"]

The Key~tar is an amazing instrument.  A Yamaha SHS-10 keytarJust look at it.  Hot damn.  Thank you Spyro Gyra for giving us this awesome gift!  It's so much more than just a guitar with keys!  You can…well…do the same things a guitar does….only more key-y.  But man, do you look AWESOME playing a key~tar.  And my man from the East Village was holding it down with the key~tar. 

Key~tar guy also sang harmony then during the evening gown time with a very effeminate dude (not quite Carson though…because really….) who was falsetto-ing a mean La Donna E Mobile, as promised.  Damn they were fricking sweet!  And not stereotypical at all with the string quartet of all Asian girls.  Dude they were awesome.  So now, I'm starting a revolution.  A world with more key~tars.  That's what we need.  One for everyone.  Screw the mule and the 40 acres or whatever.  Let's have reparations for EVERYONE and let those reparations include a key~tar.  Now that's justice.

Like this guy shows us.  In the future, we will all have mullets and play key~tars.  Well sir, I hope so.  I hope so. 

Published in: on 25 April 2006 at 3*36 pm  Comments (4)  

From the Latin, “Horoscopus”, meaning ‘Mouthwash’ and ‘Loose Woman’

I just wanted to post a quick shoutout to The Onion. I really think that their horoscopes are the funniest thing since watching people fall down.  See the following:

Aries: You will mistakenly bring your enemies list instead of your grocery list to the supermarket this week, resulting in the purchase of a bottle of Paul Newman ranch dressing, a box of Uncle Ben's minute rice, and artichokes.

See, told you, too funny.  What, you want another?  okay….

Scorpio: You see the world through rose-colored glasses.  Unfortunately, they're not prescription rose-colored glasses, which helps explains why you love the world for all of its unpredictable walls.

And my own:

Libra: Some 8-year-old asshole will give away all 43 endings to the "Choose Your Own Adventure" book you're reading. 

Thank you for indulging me.  Now read the post below.  It's funnier.  (:

Published in: on 13 April 2006 at 2*55 pm  Comments (2)  

#’s 202-192

That's right folks.  It's been awhile, but we're knocking off another 11 of these losers.  Check the Prologue for an explanation and also here for all already listed effers.  And visit Jim.  (he helped)

#202- Flock of Seagulls

Jim says, "What's worse?  The music or the hair?"

Easy Jim, the hair.  And I ran, I ran so far away…. That's a hip little tune.  And I so hope you've seen the music video, 'cause there's nothing better than some weird scandinavian dude with a tsunami of hair playing a miniature keyboard standing on a slowly rotating lazy susan in a room full of mirrors giving the camera the bedroom eyes.  Is there?  I didn't think so.  So good and yet, so frieking bad. 

#201- Bud Selig

Jim says, "I do enjoy the WBC.  However, that makes you no less of a creepy m-er f-er.  However, if you ban Barry Bonds you're officially off the list."

Well that makes one person in the world who actually cares about the WBC.  I, as a rule, do not trust anyone named 'bud'.  And don't get me wrong, I love baseball…no one is happier that the Cubs just swept the Cardinals then I, but still, his name is 'bud'.  That's creepy enough.  I say fire him and bring on Sweet Baby Lou Whitaker! The guy at the link does have a good point though, why don't you ever see Janet Reno and Bud Selig at the same time? Hmmm??

#200- Calista Flockhart

Jim says, "When are bitches going to understand that anorexia isn't hot?"

Well, there's your social commentary for you.  I do think though that Calista Flockhart is the poster child for anorexia-gone-wrong.  (although, can anorexia really go right?  no, no, no, no, no.  Chlamydia—now there's a disease that can go right! 3 cheers for chlamydia!)  Calista Flockhart is downright scary, but at least the world is rid of Ally McBeal.  If only something could be done about that strange dancing baby….

Isn't it an honor to be #200, Calista?  (because you know she'll see this!)

#199- Feminazis

Jim says, "These chicks need some serious deep [insert choice of words here that correctly finishes the familiar line from the movie, Chasing Amy]"

See Jim, I got that reference!  I'm batting .500!  I would just like to point out, (shayne) that our Vagina Monolgue-ing roomates significantly dropped feminazis down the list.  Thanks.  Why don't you open the damned door for yourselves then, equals!?!??!!?!  Okay, I love my wife and I try to do nice things for her; I'm not a chauvinist.  But she's also not a feminazi, so we do not have a problem then do we, Susan B. Anthony?!

#198- John Phillip Sousa

Jim says, "Damn you. Damn you to Hell."

If you were never in a concert band, then you may not realize just how much you hate him and his music.  It's everywhere and it's pervasively unnerving.  If you were in a concert band, then you probably understand why playing his music can sometimes be frustrating.  (repetitive, boring, etc.)  If you were in the concert band that Jim, my wife, the aforementioned Shayne, and myself were in, then you have a deep-seeded disdain for just how much damned Sousa music was CRAMMED DOWN YOUR EFFING THROAT 4 FRICKING YEARS IN A DAMNED ROW!  SOUSA MUSIC WITH SOUSA ENCORES!  MORE SOUSA!  NORTHWEST INDIANA HAS A FEVER AND THE ONLY CURE IS MORE SOUSA!  DANCE LUTHERAN MONKEYS, DANCE!!!!!!

We only had so much to give. 

#197- James Brolin

Jim says, "How do you live with being known for marrying a crazy bitch?  Ask Jimmy B.!"

Ahh, one of my favourites on The List.  So often overlooked, not only is James Brolin married to Funny Face herself, he's also a ridiculously horrible actor!  I do confess, I am secretly hoping that he'll break it off with Babs, just so he can hook it up another celebrity who's crazier than a crap-house-rat: Liza Minelli.  [scariest picture, ever] Just like this guy.  Eeeewww. 

#196- Miss Cleo

Jim says, "Call me now for your free douching."

Oh, Miss Cleo, why couldn't you be true?  Little Junior High me only wanted for your powers to be real!  And I believed in your Jamaican accent!  It was even better than Taye Diggs' in How Stella Got Her Groove Back; how could it not be real?!  Why couldn't you make it until I was only 18 so that I could get my free reading?   But no, you turned a wide-eyed young tennis star and piano prodigy into a babbling, cynical, ne'er-do-well.  How dare you.  How dare you.  Can't anything in my life, JUST BE REAL!?!?**

**those of you concerned about my life should relax.  I'm actually a lucky guy who has everything going his way.  I will, however, blame Miss Cleo for ruining my professional Tennis career.  Shut up.

#195- Pauly Shore

Jim says, "Remember when Pauly Shore tried to pass himself off as not a complete joke?  Yeah, it didn't take."

I actually don't even remember that.  I just can't imagine anyone more annoying.  Or CAN I!?!  How about him?  or herThis guy?  All right Pauly, you caught your break today. 

#194- Ron Popeil

Jim says, "I do love his knife set though.  And by knife set, I of course mean…set of knives."

I did some research people, and yes, Ron Popeil is still alive.  At least according to wikipedia.  (I don't really do research, so that's as far as I stretch.  Deal with it.  Look him up your damn selves if you don't believe me.)  It's that Juice guy with the eyebrows that kicked it.  I loved that guy.

And anyone who has stayed up late watching an infomercial for anything owes it to Ronny P. here for paving the infomercial path.  If it weren't for his Food Dehydrator, Hair-in-a-can, or my personal favourite, the 'Cap Snaffler', life as we 'know' it would not be the same.  Thank you Ron.  Thank you from the bottom of my pancreas.

#193- Shriners

Jim says, "What's creepier, the little hats or the little cars?  Does it even matter?"

Let me be the first to say that I do not mind the Shriners when they are shrining behind closed doors.  In fact, whatever they do the rest of the year affects me not.  HOWEVER, I hate parades.  Could be my rampant agoraphobia, or my many years of marching band, but for some reason, I hate parades.  And little men with funny hats careening around in tiny cars does not help anything.  You might as well be clowns.  And we all know how I feel about clowns!  [wait, we don't?  oh, I hate them.  for the record.]

#192- The Osmonds

Jim says, "There is no one less 'rock and roll' than Donny Osmond.  Plus they're Mormon."

Try telling that to Bill Paxton!  Or is it John Paxson?  I get so confused.  One of them is Mormon.  Just like Julie from the Real World.  But I don't think she's a good Mormon.  Oh well, no need to anger Brigham any more.  I just think that the Osmond's rapid descent toward nihility is amusing.  [see: Pyramid, bad face lift

Lastly, I would like to Bogart a joke from here.  No offense Jim, but I love when people write 'no one' as 'noone' now because of this website.  You SERIOUSLY should go here, because the first entry on the top of the page (making fun of someone's typing and baby naming) will make you laugh seriously out loud.  Seriously.  Damn that's good. 

Please stay tuned….only 191 left to go!!!!!

Published in: on 11 April 2006 at 3*28 pm  Comments (5)  

On Usher

The call him:

U-S

H-E-R

R-A

Y-M

O-N-D

BABYTELLMEWHACHUWANNADO

TO ME!

It has come time again for me to publcily shame an artist that I actually like.  I'm not sure why I go this route, what with the hating-on-my-own-thing-bit, but it works for me, so here goes….

Usher Ramyond was born in raised in Atlanta (The pride of Georgia.  Or is that peaches?  Shit, who cares.  Isn't Georgia really a southern Ohio?) and was 'discovered' (see: 'sold out') in 1995 apparently releasing some crap no one's ever heard of.  His big break came in 1997, and from there, the rest is horny, sordid, unintelligible music history.  [allow me to reiterate-I like Usher.  I like it like I like Ace of Base and Nelly.  I'm not proud of it, but I can't lie to myself.  let's remind everyone I'm also white, but not a 13 year-old-girl.  'Digress! Digress!'  sorry….]

I was talking to my sister about how when I wrote about Nelly (who she says 'is beautiful'…I don't quite get that) that I like his music, he just has some, as Balki Bartokomos would say, RIDICULOSE lyrics.  So, for those of you that need more weapons in your hip-hop-hating arsenal, or for those of you that just can't understand wtf he's 'singing', I bring you this happy meal of lyric nuggets. 

First, from the not-so-hit song, "Can U Get Wit It."  Which first, let me say, I LOVE that everytime the word 'you' comes up, that we insist on spelling it 'U'.  That makes us all intelligent just for reading it.  Also, pronouncing a word incorrectly and spelling the word incorrectly purposely are two wholly different things.  Enough, enough, and I quote:

"U know that time is really precious
And u wasted a lot of mine
I'm gonna have 2 keep on movin'
If you can't make up your mind

One day we could be together
Cause u know that I wanna be down
But right now we can all forget it
Cause u know I gots to get around"

Oh, that's sweet.  The '2' is another nice touch.  It's like PBS is rerunning 'Mathnet.' Only I'm not that lucky….  It's a good sentiment, though.  We'd all hate for Usher to have to be patient and wait for his One-Nite-Stand.  Girl, you know he gots to get around! Another jewel here from the song, "Slow Love."  And I quote:

"Ain't gonna ask is it
Good to you I know what to do
With the up and down
Round and round I'm just gonna give it to you
(Just gonna give it to you girl…)

Nice and slow
Here we go ho!"

This actually made me laugh out loud, during detention supervision!  The detented are now staging a revolt because how dare anyone have fun in here.  Just kidding.  They're all still just sitting there.  But thanks U, for explaining that you know what to do, what with the 'ups', the 'downs', and the 'round''s and all.  Sounds more like a Harlem Globetrotters game.  And now a nice little Pro-Abstinence from our friend in the song, "That's What It's Made For."  (I had a hard time picking out just a part of this song…..you could go here and see all the lyrics.  It's pretty special.)  And I quote:

"Go on and hit it
That's what it's made for
She said, 'You got somethin on right?'
That's what it's made for
Boo are you trippin'
You know I got it
Thats what it's made for
So I can do you like this, baby
So I can freak you like this, baby
Know you gon' felt it like this, baby
Girl I forgot it
But we gon' still get down like this"

AHHHH!!!!  AHHHH!!!  AHHHHH!!!!!!  Shudder, dry heave, vomit.  I would also like you to know that at the JUNIOR HIGH I worked at last year, this was the favourite CD of the 5th and 6th grade classes.  Seriously, we voted.  I need a break.  Seriously, go to this damn link and read all the words….that was the most PG-13 verse. 

Okay, better.  I just splashed some water in my face and took a bidet.  Now we're ready to go with the last one, which is here in [mostly] its entirety because it's just too good.  If that last one just repulsed you, this oughta get you back.  And I can't wait until the end to comment.  I'm in brackets.  Enjoy!  This is from the song, "Bad Girls"; and I quote:

"Sho nuff
Shawty
What it do?
Oooooooh
Pimpin', oh boy [oh boy? seriously? and what is the answer to 'what it do?'  is there an answer?]
uh [uh?]

What cha'll know about a supermodel
Fresh outta Elle magazine
Buy her own bottles [I buy my own bottles too!  What the hell does that mean?  Am I a supermodel too?  yay!]
Look pimp juice, I need me one [Is that like Apple juice?  In French would you write 'Jus de Pimpe'?  I think that's gross.  for the record.]
Bad than a mutha  [Like Shaft!  Or was it Taft?]
I hear you sayin'
I need a bad girl
If you're a bad girl

Playas when you see me
Act like you know me
I keep a dollar worth of dimes [nice.  well played.  vending machine emergencies be damned]
You know pimpin' ain't easy [that is what they say.  no wait, no one says that.  no one real.]
For all my chicks in the club
Who knows how to cut a rug [that's a rhyme that'll get you street cred.  Are we at a cotillion?  Is someone doing the Charleston?  Anyone for some Jitterbug!]
If you're a bad girl
Get at me bad girl

Ooh work me baby
Shakin' it the way I like
I'm ready to be bad
I need a bad girl (say yeah) [no]

Get at me bad girl
What sexy lady's comin' home with me tonight? [you probably won't remember her name, but you'll never forget the rampant chlamydia]
I'm ready to be bad
I need a bad girl (super bad baby)
Get at me bad girl

Now I've seen a lotta broads [nice touch….chlamydia girl's even having second thoughts at this point]
All on one to call [wtf?]
Everyone looked the same but
Take a look at my dame (my dame)
Fo' sho', she take that Hpnotiq or Alize [so she works at a liquor store?  Fo'Sho!]
There ain't much more I can say but (I need a)
I need a bad girl (bad girl)
If you're a bad girl

Got one thou' on the bar now [I thought your girl got that Hpnotiq?  You're out?  (i should also note that when I first heard the song, I was SURE he said 'Got one thigh on the bar now' which was a pretty hilarious visual.  Needless to say I was disappointed when I read this)]
Chick need a drink on the flo' now [Drink on the flo'?  Huh?]
Look at them bad girls movin' it
Makin' faces while they doin' it [practicing for your entrance exam to clown school?  entertaining children?  which faces are they makin'?  oooooohhhhhh, those faces.  gotcha.]
Oh, I wanna take one to the restroom [I'm sorry, that's effing nasty.  At least use different nomenclature.  How about W.C.?]
So close I'm smellin' like your perfume [Is that White Diamonds by Liz Taylor?  Or that weird Britney Spears perfume that smells like Arkansas?]
If you're a bad girl
Get at me bad girl"

And curtain.  I hope you enjoyed.  I need a shower.

Published in: on 6 April 2006 at 3*17 pm  Comments (4)