#’s 213-203

Well, hey hey hey, look at this!  We're getting a helluva lot closer to breaking the big top 200!  S.O.B., this is getting fun.  I reiterate that if you don't understand what's going on here, please go directly to The Prologue to re-inform yourself.  It'll be WELL worth your time, amigos. 

#213- Deion Sanders

Jim says, "Even if he didn't wear those suits, he still named his kids Deion Jr. and Deionna."

What, it's not enough to be good at one damn thing at a time?  Pick a damn forte asshole.  And why in Percival's name are you so damned obnoxious?  We get it already.  Move the hell on and fade into oblivion.  Please.  I'm so done.  I win. 

#212- Taft

Jim says, "Can you imagine America today electing a president who couldn't get out of the tub? It was a simpler time then.       Simpler and worse."

I beg to differ.  What does it say about our country that today we would only elect someone who isn't too fat to get out of a tub.  Chew on that a while. 

Okay I don't get it either.  That's what I get for going 'deep'.  However, growing up in the metropolis of MARNE, MI, all the East-West streets were obscure presidents.  (We lived on Hayes)  Taft sucked though, because you always knew you were nowhere near downtown Marne when you hit Taft.  I don't know what happened, but trying to go an alternate way to get around that 2-lane wide tractor lumbering down Cleveland just got you lost.  And not just Pierce lost.  TAFT lost.  Should've stuck with Harrison. 

#211- Tom Cruise

Jim says, "Please note: these rankings were pre-Scientology/TomKat phase."

@)$&*!  #211?  I know this was a while ago and he has since risen to beyond Bat-Shit Crazy stance, but honestly.  #211?  People are giving him way too much credit for Top Gun.  Please see here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, HERE, and last but not least, here in regards to Tom Cruise.  I can't stand the bastard.  As my wife so eloquently often quotes from a real movie, As Good As It Gets, (see that Tommy, a real movie….with no Scientology Hut on set) "Go sell crazy somewhere else; we're all stocked up here."

#210- Woodrow Wilson

Jim says, "?"

I have removed Jim's comments for a reason.  One which I will explain to him later.  Don't worry about it.  Did you know that Deion Sanders' middle name is Warwick? ; Cool, huh?  (I'm lying.)  That's What Friends Are For…….

Woodrow Wilson was the real reason for the Great Depression!  You heard it here first! Wha-BAM!

#209- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Jim says, "F-ing foreigners."

What the hell is a Zsa Zsa?  And DAMMIT why is it so hard to type!  Try it!  It's damned impossible!  I would think that she was named that on purpose if it weren't for the fact that she was born before the advent of written letters.  When she was in ChildrenGarden, she would be written out like: "2 bent over Egyptian dudes, one forlorn monkey face."  It's a miracle she only slapped that cop. 

#208- Art Modell

Jim says, "Granted, Cleveland's a shithole, but you left for Baltimore?"

Dude, Ohio does suck!  Let's take them down!  But why are you moving the Cleveland Browns?  What's wrong with you?  Have you no concept of the sacredness of the NFL?  Jeez.  That'd be like moving the Montreal (Pee-Wee Herman's favourite team) Expos to some other craphole near the nation's capital.  What!?  Seriously!  Damn. 

#207- People Who Use Metamucil

Jim says, "Eat a muffin for God's sake."

Mmmmm, I love muffins.  But remember on Seinfeld, when they all like the tops?  (Top O' The Muffin To You!)  I prefer the stumps.  Especially on the chocolate chip ones you buy in the gas station.  That's some damn good eating. 

#206- Juan Valdez

Jim says, "I'll drink your monkey, but I'll be damned if I diddle your donkey you sick Columbian F."

Spot on, Jim.  We all know Juanny-boy had a little secret agenda there with his ass.  Why did he have to just randomly appear places?  Just being a shtick wasn't good enough?  You had to just pop out of people's cupboards and stuff?  No thanks. 

#205- Professional Surfers

Jim says, "This is not a sport.  It's an activity.  No one pays me to whack off."

Except for those 30 people on the internet Jim….except for them. 

But seriously folks, why are the words professional and surfer ever put in the same sentence?  Even in the same sphere?  Cone!  Dodecahedron?!?! Not good.  No such thing.  There's nothing professional about surfing.  Next thing you know there'll be professional badminton. 


#204- The British

Jim says, "Limey Bastards."

Just so you know, in London, when you go to cross a street and look down at the pavement, it says "LOOK RIGHT."  It might as well say, "LOOK RIGHT, YOU STUPID AMERICANS.  OR DON'T.  DIE.  SEE IF WE GIVE A SHIT." but that couldn't fit.  We get that you drive on the wrong side of the street and use the metric system.  Big friggin' deal.  You also gave us Simon Cowell, soccer (not a real sport), and the clap. 

#203- The Reverend Al Sharpton

Jim says, "You wish you were Jesse Jackson."

He's not?  That's not the same dude with a weave?  No….. (p.s., this comment does not make me racist)  Hint for Al Sharpton: if you have your own IMDB website, you are not a legitimate activist. 

Thanks for tuning in!  More next time from THE LIST!

[the minions quiver in communal excitement; all in a very PG way, of course.]

Published in: on 3 April 2006 at 8*03 pm  Comments (1)  

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  1. A) You’ll have to trust me on this one, folks, but the Woodrow comment I made was not too bad, but withheld for various personal reasons. My substitue comment? Here you go: “Damn, Woodrow, at least Tyler’s famous for dying immediately. You got nothin’.” I know it’s not that great, but it’s a second stringer.
    2) As long as we’re on former presidents… There’s a t shirt out there (I’m having problems linking at the moment, so you’ll have to search yourself, go for Preshrunk Taft T shirt, that’ll get you there) that is “Taft, Can You Dig It?” I just think that’s f’ing hilarious.
    3) I usually have no problem with Andrew’s editing of my comments, but seriously, “diddle your donkey” isn’t nearly as funny as “f your donkey” (say the unedited version out loud to yourself…see?). Diddle isn’t as funny as it seems. I would have also accepted: “insperminate your donkey”, “do your donkey in the dumper”(keeps the alliteration you seem to enjoy so much), “pleasure your donkey” or, my new favorite “I will not do it donkey-style”.

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