Episode 5- “Ha. ‘Potpourri’ Has ‘Pot’ In It…..”

Yesterday, someone arrived at my site that had searched for "'Ukraine Not Weak' Seinfeld". I was honored. I don't know who you are but I hope you enjoyed your stay.

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I just wanted everyone to know that I did watch American Idol last nite, and yes, it did suck ass. Call me old fashioned, but if I know it's country nite, I wanna hear some George Strait, Emmylou Harris, or Dolly Parton. Today's country is not even country-it's all Adult Contemporary with people that look like hicks. And why in Gotterdammerung does Ace Young always sing so much damn falsetto? He must think his falsetto is the world's crack and that we've got a habit worse than bat-shit crazy Whitney Houston. Well we don't. Wait, the judges love it? Shit! This sucks! WHY ARE WE ENCOURAGING THIS NO-TALENT ASS CLOWN TO CONTINUE! GET HIM THE HELL OUT ALREADY! NO MORE FALSETTO! PLEASE! THE WORLD WILL LIVE IN PEACE! I THINK HAMAS AND THE ISRAELIS ARE WORKING OUT A PLAN PROVIDED YOU STOP SUCKING SO DAMN BAD! Breathe. Breathe. (he can't sing. and now he's looking more and more like a woman. sorry girls, it's true.)

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I had the best hot dog yesterday. I put some salt on the bun and some butter Pam and toasted in the toaster oven. Then, on top of the Vienna Cheddar Frank (the ONLY way to go) must go generic off-brand horseradish brown mustard (I prefer Safeway Select) and an assload of onions.  (little onions that you chop yourself, using a giant knife, because, damn, I've got a giant knife that I never use, and since I'm not planning on killing anyone anytime soon, this onion is looking mighty threatening.  and then cut your finger.  just know that any N, H, Y, J, or U you get today is coming at an extra price.  dammit.)  Then I put some pepper on the top.  Not peppers, pepper.  Like the black stuff.  I don't know why it was so good, but damn.  I must have again.  Now. 

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Last nite was also Birth Class #2.  Unfortunately, everything was much more normal this time.  Not like last time.  The foreign couple wasn't there, the one lady's husband was there (and they seemed very happy AND nice), and the lesbians aren't.  One said "her husband" when she was telling us some story.  They're nice too.  This is the part where I feel superbly guilty.  Luckily, I can take solace that Leah, Jim, some random who thinks they'll find the names of Jerry Taft's kids on my website, my sister, and my wife are the only people who really read this, ever.  (Oh, and Dawn.  Dawn even linked me in her links section!  You rule.)  If you are reading this and you were somebody in our class; I'm a bad person.   Y'all are great.

But, I should mention that at the end of class, we do these relaxing imagery type things, where the mother relaxes herself and imagines different aspects of birth.  Last nite, the tape started out nice, but ended up with me trying desperately to control the snorts and hysterical laughter attempting to fly out my nose.  The first thing that got me was, and I quote: "Picture your baby floating in your uterus…"  Really?  All I could think of when they said this was David Letterman dropping an industrial size can of chili into a dunk tank and him and Paul debating about if it will float or not.  Then, on the tape, the imagined contractions starting building.  I didn't think that this was particularly relaxing, when all of a sudden they began building even more and the soothing-voice lady on the tape was practically screaming!  At this point, MY uterus hurt.  I doubt my wife will want any drugs, but I think I'm gonna need something…..

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Lastly, this is a long story that I'll shorten significantly, but we are doing a schoolwide cheesecake sale at my school, and I sent a quick email to all faculty to remind them to buy.  I finished off the email with a little 'go cubs' at the bottom which turned into a big problem albeit that the school is in south suburbia.  Many joking responses were sent back which I get, I'd do the same.  Props though to one particular teacher who replied, and I quote: "[The 'Go Cubs'] was completely inappropriate.  Unless you're selling loser-flavored cheesecake." 

Every once in a while, you've gotta give it up to the other side.  Well played, my friend. Well played. 

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Published in: on 5 April 2006 at 3*03 pm  Comments (1)  

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Of course I rock! As do you, my friend. Also, try some Advil for the uterus. It should help.


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