On Usher

The call him:








It has come time again for me to publcily shame an artist that I actually like.  I'm not sure why I go this route, what with the hating-on-my-own-thing-bit, but it works for me, so here goes….

Usher Ramyond was born in raised in Atlanta (The pride of Georgia.  Or is that peaches?  Shit, who cares.  Isn't Georgia really a southern Ohio?) and was 'discovered' (see: 'sold out') in 1995 apparently releasing some crap no one's ever heard of.  His big break came in 1997, and from there, the rest is horny, sordid, unintelligible music history.  [allow me to reiterate-I like Usher.  I like it like I like Ace of Base and Nelly.  I'm not proud of it, but I can't lie to myself.  let's remind everyone I'm also white, but not a 13 year-old-girl.  'Digress! Digress!'  sorry….]

I was talking to my sister about how when I wrote about Nelly (who she says 'is beautiful'…I don't quite get that) that I like his music, he just has some, as Balki Bartokomos would say, RIDICULOSE lyrics.  So, for those of you that need more weapons in your hip-hop-hating arsenal, or for those of you that just can't understand wtf he's 'singing', I bring you this happy meal of lyric nuggets. 

First, from the not-so-hit song, "Can U Get Wit It."  Which first, let me say, I LOVE that everytime the word 'you' comes up, that we insist on spelling it 'U'.  That makes us all intelligent just for reading it.  Also, pronouncing a word incorrectly and spelling the word incorrectly purposely are two wholly different things.  Enough, enough, and I quote:

"U know that time is really precious
And u wasted a lot of mine
I'm gonna have 2 keep on movin'
If you can't make up your mind

One day we could be together
Cause u know that I wanna be down
But right now we can all forget it
Cause u know I gots to get around"

Oh, that's sweet.  The '2' is another nice touch.  It's like PBS is rerunning 'Mathnet.' Only I'm not that lucky….  It's a good sentiment, though.  We'd all hate for Usher to have to be patient and wait for his One-Nite-Stand.  Girl, you know he gots to get around! Another jewel here from the song, "Slow Love."  And I quote:

"Ain't gonna ask is it
Good to you I know what to do
With the up and down
Round and round I'm just gonna give it to you
(Just gonna give it to you girl…)

Nice and slow
Here we go ho!"

This actually made me laugh out loud, during detention supervision!  The detented are now staging a revolt because how dare anyone have fun in here.  Just kidding.  They're all still just sitting there.  But thanks U, for explaining that you know what to do, what with the 'ups', the 'downs', and the 'round''s and all.  Sounds more like a Harlem Globetrotters game.  And now a nice little Pro-Abstinence from our friend in the song, "That's What It's Made For."  (I had a hard time picking out just a part of this song…..you could go here and see all the lyrics.  It's pretty special.)  And I quote:

"Go on and hit it
That's what it's made for
She said, 'You got somethin on right?'
That's what it's made for
Boo are you trippin'
You know I got it
Thats what it's made for
So I can do you like this, baby
So I can freak you like this, baby
Know you gon' felt it like this, baby
Girl I forgot it
But we gon' still get down like this"

AHHHH!!!!  AHHHH!!!  AHHHHH!!!!!!  Shudder, dry heave, vomit.  I would also like you to know that at the JUNIOR HIGH I worked at last year, this was the favourite CD of the 5th and 6th grade classes.  Seriously, we voted.  I need a break.  Seriously, go to this damn link and read all the words….that was the most PG-13 verse. 

Okay, better.  I just splashed some water in my face and took a bidet.  Now we're ready to go with the last one, which is here in [mostly] its entirety because it's just too good.  If that last one just repulsed you, this oughta get you back.  And I can't wait until the end to comment.  I'm in brackets.  Enjoy!  This is from the song, "Bad Girls"; and I quote:

"Sho nuff
What it do?
Pimpin', oh boy [oh boy? seriously? and what is the answer to 'what it do?'  is there an answer?]
uh [uh?]

What cha'll know about a supermodel
Fresh outta Elle magazine
Buy her own bottles [I buy my own bottles too!  What the hell does that mean?  Am I a supermodel too?  yay!]
Look pimp juice, I need me one [Is that like Apple juice?  In French would you write 'Jus de Pimpe'?  I think that's gross.  for the record.]
Bad than a mutha  [Like Shaft!  Or was it Taft?]
I hear you sayin'
I need a bad girl
If you're a bad girl

Playas when you see me
Act like you know me
I keep a dollar worth of dimes [nice.  well played.  vending machine emergencies be damned]
You know pimpin' ain't easy [that is what they say.  no wait, no one says that.  no one real.]
For all my chicks in the club
Who knows how to cut a rug [that's a rhyme that'll get you street cred.  Are we at a cotillion?  Is someone doing the Charleston?  Anyone for some Jitterbug!]
If you're a bad girl
Get at me bad girl

Ooh work me baby
Shakin' it the way I like
I'm ready to be bad
I need a bad girl (say yeah) [no]

Get at me bad girl
What sexy lady's comin' home with me tonight? [you probably won't remember her name, but you'll never forget the rampant chlamydia]
I'm ready to be bad
I need a bad girl (super bad baby)
Get at me bad girl

Now I've seen a lotta broads [nice touch….chlamydia girl's even having second thoughts at this point]
All on one to call [wtf?]
Everyone looked the same but
Take a look at my dame (my dame)
Fo' sho', she take that Hpnotiq or Alize [so she works at a liquor store?  Fo'Sho!]
There ain't much more I can say but (I need a)
I need a bad girl (bad girl)
If you're a bad girl

Got one thou' on the bar now [I thought your girl got that Hpnotiq?  You're out?  (i should also note that when I first heard the song, I was SURE he said 'Got one thigh on the bar now' which was a pretty hilarious visual.  Needless to say I was disappointed when I read this)]
Chick need a drink on the flo' now [Drink on the flo'?  Huh?]
Look at them bad girls movin' it
Makin' faces while they doin' it [practicing for your entrance exam to clown school?  entertaining children?  which faces are they makin'?  oooooohhhhhh, those faces.  gotcha.]
Oh, I wanna take one to the restroom [I'm sorry, that's effing nasty.  At least use different nomenclature.  How about W.C.?]
So close I'm smellin' like your perfume [Is that White Diamonds by Liz Taylor?  Or that weird Britney Spears perfume that smells like Arkansas?]
If you're a bad girl
Get at me bad girl"

And curtain.  I hope you enjoyed.  I need a shower.

Published in: on 6 April 2006 at 3*17 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Jus de Pimpe, eh? That could be one of any number of things, all of them so very wrong. Yet, hee.

  2. Wow, it boggles the mind what passes for music these days.

  3. Hahahaha
    Oh, and Nelly IS beautiful, but then again, so is Usher!

  4. I did enjoy, actually, as I am something of a rap lyric connoisseur. I find that many of the best (by which I mean the most amusing) are Biggie lyrics. For instance in Big Poppa, when he describes what he is going to eat:
    “A T-bone steak/
    cheese, eggs, and Welch’s grape.”
    Truly, he is (well, was) living the life the life of a glamorous rap star. Nothing says “glamour” like grape soda.

    Oh, and “get one thigh on the bar”? Priceless.

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