Episode 6- “Let’s Start a Key~tar Renaissance”

Like a moth to flame, I am, at last, returning.  Like Kenny Rogers, I am making a new-faced comeback.  Like Tammy Faye Bakker, no matter how hard I try, it all still sucks. 


In case you were desperately wondering why nothing new has happened, and I know you all were, I have been on Spring Break.  The time when the birds return, the rodents are twitterpating, and life is anew.  And man, was I productive.  I painted two whole walls and a table top, put together a cabinet and a crib, and with the help of my handyman father, put up part of a fence.  Life is grand.

All the while, I was totally thinking of the million things I'd write about if only we actually had an internet connection.  I thought about writing them down, but thought that that seemed a little twerked, so instead  I kept a memory bank.  There were serious visions of grandeur–this was going to be bigger than the time that the people from Law & Order SUV worked with the people from Law & Order Plain.  Wow.  Temptation Island 3 big.  Whitney Houston Cocaine-Induced Deviated Septum big. 

I forgot.  I know I was going to mention the weird people humping in front of Thedore's when my wife and I were looking for a restaurant (we opted out of that choice) but beside what you just heard, that's really it.  So that's no good.  Some story about a guy drinking a miller lite while driving down the road beside me, but that's not really funny; just stupid.  So, I narrowed it down to the one giant Comedy of Errors really worth mentioning: Miss USA

Are these pageants demeaning towards women?  Mayhaps. 

Are they perpetuating an impossible standard for todays youth?  Ostensibly.

Is it some kick-ass viewing?  You bet your sweet Aspercreme!

First of all, there's our nifty hosts, Drew "Jazz Hands" Lachey and Nancy "Who?" O'Dell.  Or as I like to call them, Beige and Ecru.  Or as I should say, Beige that has to change her damn outfit every friggin' commercial break and Ecru that is really a good foot to short to stand next to her which actually works out to his advantage as he is CONSTANTLY taking every opportunity to stare down whichever dress she has on at the moment, actually making the duo slightly more entertaining to watch.  Malheureusement, we have colour commentary from last year's Miss Usa (fresh off her NBC cooking debacle.  *gag*  But yeah, I guess I did watch the finale, but what else is on on a Saturday Nite?  Ghost Whisperer?  My ass.) and her new best friend, Carson Kressley, who I certainly think should get an award for being the gayest person ever.  Except for this guy.  Well, and this guy.  Okay, 2nd runner up.  Just like Miss Ohio.  NO ANDY!  DON'T RUIN THE ENDING FOR ME!  YOU MUST TELL ME THE WHOLE STORY IN ORDER!!! NO!!!  It's okay my friends, it just gets better from here.

Then there's the parade of nations.  Except states.  And District of Columbia.  Which, by the way, if D.C. gets to enter someone, what about Puerto Rico?  or Guam?  Canada?  Let's be equal opportunity here!  So I look to check on the usuals….you have to find your hometowners….Michigan and Illinois are both pretty…that's good.  Michigan even has dark hair.  That's short! Crazy!  But she's probably from Midland or somewhere weird like that anyway.  Nope, Lapeer.  That's okay I suppose.  And she went to CMU, current scholastic year home of my sister.  Fine.  Moving on.  California is always hot.  So is Hawai'i.  Normal.  No big deal.  Ohio is usually ugly and you don't usually get top results from a New Hampshire or a New Mexico, but overall, we're okay.  No big deal. 

We narrow it down to 15 which is fine.  Michigan didn't make it [whatever] and Ohio did [blech], but we go on.  Now it's time for the bikini contest.  Wait, really?  Didn't we have a whole big giant issue with the whole swimsuit competition?  Wasn't there a lawsuit?  I guess not.  So, the 15 women get to wear their beach attire and high heel shoes while walking down some steps and to different spots on a stage, which some of them seemed to do more like a really confused 13-year old on Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? phrenetically dancing around a colorated [LF term for y'all there…if you don't know don't ask] map of Africa DESPERATELY trying to locate Lesotho.  Just walk towards the light girls.  Then five get knocked out.  Then Evening Gowns and five more go.  Five left after all of this, only one of which actually seems like she knows where she is and even she is one enchilada short of a combination plate.  Seriously, of the last 5, these are there college choices; [not ripping on any particular college, of course…everyone's smart in this world….yay yay peace blah blah] San Diego State University (California), Columbus State Community College (Ohio), Somerset Community College (Kentucky), Coosa Valley Technical High School (Georgia),and University of Alabama (Florida).  Wait, how'd that last one sneak in there?  Oh wait, sorority.  Got it.  Anyway, they all answer (miserably) questions from the "celebrity" judges (including Jillian Barberie, and even, gasp, Donald Trump Jr.!  Ooh!) and then plunder back to their little cardboard circle on the stage THAT WE CAN SEE NBC! Let's try to be less obvious!  Let me think that they can at least stand in a line on their own!  Or don't.  Either way.  Wait, Drew Lachey has to get another glance in.  Yup, good.  Wait, our gay colour commentator has something to say?  Nope, just general kvetching.  Then, our friend Kentucky, who lists her strongest talent as 'being able to communicate with people' (translated to : talking) who ended her question with "….so, yeah!" takes the crown from California who at least half answered her question like you'd expect a 4th grader to.  Fine and dandy. 

BUT, the BEST PART OF THE WHOLE DAMNED EVENT was the music that accompanied the various parades of underfed overinflated women.  Nancy O'Dell introduces the best part of the nite, The East Village Opera Company.  Here is the description from the Miss Usa page, and I quote:


New to the 2006 show, the Pageant will include live performances throughout the telecast by The East Village Opera Company, which takes classical opera arias and turns them into bona fide rock anthems.

The East Village Opera Company- a powerhouse five-piece band, a string quartet, and two outstanding vocalists-brings the towering emotion and timeless musicality of opera into the 21st century on its Decca/Universal Classics debut with its inventive, hard-hitting arrangements of the music's "greatest hits" – including "La Donna E Mobile" from Rigoletto, "Habanera" from Carmen, and "Nessun Dorma" from Turandot – performed at full length and in the original languages.

Seriously?  And look at them.  What a bunch of scrubs.  But I didn't quite believe what I was hearing when the Techno music started.  I was like, Techno with strings?  Okay.  Crazed girl screaming Habanera over the music in a tortured French accent and a totally hip ripped up AC/DC t-shirt? Fine.  Dude with Key~tar?  NOW, let's open the fun floodgates! [By the way, when they say songs in their 'full length', they're not telling you the truth. That bee-atch warbled habanera for seriously 15 damn minutes. Somewhere, a dead Georges Bizet was saying, "YES! Someone bastardized my music again in a completely different way!"]

The Key~tar is an amazing instrument.  A Yamaha SHS-10 keytarJust look at it.  Hot damn.  Thank you Spyro Gyra for giving us this awesome gift!  It's so much more than just a guitar with keys!  You can…well…do the same things a guitar does….only more key-y.  But man, do you look AWESOME playing a key~tar.  And my man from the East Village was holding it down with the key~tar. 

Key~tar guy also sang harmony then during the evening gown time with a very effeminate dude (not quite Carson though…because really….) who was falsetto-ing a mean La Donna E Mobile, as promised.  Damn they were fricking sweet!  And not stereotypical at all with the string quartet of all Asian girls.  Dude they were awesome.  So now, I'm starting a revolution.  A world with more key~tars.  That's what we need.  One for everyone.  Screw the mule and the 40 acres or whatever.  Let's have reparations for EVERYONE and let those reparations include a key~tar.  Now that's justice.

Like this guy shows us.  In the future, we will all have mullets and play key~tars.  Well sir, I hope so.  I hope so. 

Published in: on 25 April 2006 at 3*36 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I have totally missed my calling in life. Why am I working this whole IT thing when I could be turning classical opera arias into bona fide rock anthems? Why?

  2. Oh, Turandot. It’s like Melodrama had a baby with Overdramaticness or something. Though, the only thing worse than setting a scene’s climax to Turandot is setting it to Turandot sung by Andrea Bocelli. It makes my ears fall off a little.

  3. And I forgot to mention — Ohio sucks.

  4. Back off Ohio, bitches! I mean, it’s not like it’s Canada or anything…

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