#’s 191-181

ARRGHHH.  I have been trying to write this entry forever.  And EVERY FLIPPING time I go to save it, my computer (or wordpress, I'm not sure which) takes a giant, elephant crap on me.  Like Tom Selleck, it's making an absent-minded decision to not work when it knows it has the opportunity to do so.  Bastard.  (see: offer to do movie version of Magnum: PI that was turned down because it was below him.  Really, Tom?  Have you SEEN Quigley Down Under?)  So enjoy your next 11 list members.  I'm feeling especially ruthless today so watch out.

#191- Toni Basil

Jim says, "Hey Mickey, s my d!"

I know I said I was being ruthless, but what Jim really wrote was pretty hard to swallow.  No matter how snarky I'm feeling, you get the watered down version.  If you want the full-on version, and I know you do because you're skanky like that, please go visit JIM, and he will hook you up. 

But seriously, Toni Basil?  What the hell kind of idea is it to put cheerleaders in a music video?  Well, okay, not a bad one.  But actually cheering all 80's style?  Not necessary.  I've seen better routines from the Israeli Ice Dancers.  And why is it that all one-hit wonder's hits are so bad? (see: Cotton Eye Joe, Macarena)

#190- Annette Funicello

Jim says, "For spawning the Mouse-keteers"

Now, I have to be careful with this one because Annette has had a hard life.  Things don't come easy to a Funicello.  However, anyone who has, in any way, by being succesful, paved the way for a show that will later introduce the world to a young Britney Spears, Christina Skankuleira, and Justin Timberlake, is no friend of mine.  Sorry Annette, I think even you would put yourself here, am I right?  Look what you did. 

#189- Billy Bob Thornton

Jim says, "Freaky-ass F"

Ah!  Dude, you are totally to blame for Angelina Jolie going all weird!  It's all your fault!  She wasn't weird at all before you!  Damn you!

And for all you Ebert & Roeper's out there, Sling Blade sucked.  I'm not saying this just because we had to watch the movie in my GENERAL EDUCATION METHODS class in college.  It's really really bad.  Blech.  You can take your French Fried Po-taters and blow 'em out your ass. 

#198- Carol Channing     (that is a HOT picture!)

Jim says, "Die already! In which case you already have–how's hell treating you?!"

I checked, Jim and all of you, and there's actually a very handy website that will tell you the status of many a dead or alive quasi-celebrity.  It's fun!  See who died on your birthday!  See who died today!  See who died before 30!  That's not creepy at all, it's just pure, unadulterated bliss!  And as my borther-in-law would have you all know, Abe Vigoda is still very alive and kicking.  Well, not really kicking, but breathing anyway.  And that may be stretching it.  Okay, check the website for me.  Let's just be safe.

#187- Dionne Warwick (and her psychic friends)

Jim says, "Didn't even have the decency to fake a Caribbean accent…"

Dionne, as much as you'd like to join the Bat-Shit Whitney Houston train, you just haven't got the cojones.  Although, I do give you mad props for your stunning career devoted to friendliness in song.  (see: That's What Friends Are For, Friends In Love)  Hard to imagine that good stuff like that could make an artist go crazy.  Go figure.  Too bad that your fondness for friends took that wrong turn by the flying monkeys, and now look at you.  Psychic Friends.  Yipes.  'Earth to Dionne, come back to us!  Or don't, either way.'

#186- Elvis Stojko

Jim says, "Like the real Elvis, only a really gay ice skater."

We all know the real Elvis is my dog.  I would upload a picture if I knew how.  He's funny.

See?  But Stojko?  Seriously?  Doesn't that sound like some sort of below-the-belt high school wrestling maneuver?  Like, "Dude, I totally had him pinned and then he Stojko-ed me!  Not cool!"  The least you could do with a name like Elvis and a penchant for tight pants is be a speed-skater.  People don't question speed-skaters.  All the time. 

#185- Laura Ingalls Wilder

Jim says, "Started the whole dual-name craze.  As far as I know, at least.  What an effing bitch.  Little House on My Taint."

I don't even remember naming her, unlike I remember our tireless rants about Mary Carillo and Susan B. Anthony.  Still though, I think she sucks.  I don't read books, especially her books, so I'm not really the right person, but who really needs that many names? 

#184- Male Cheerleaders

Jim says, "Also known as manleaders, but I think that oversells their manhood."

At Valpo, the manleaders were people who wanted to hold on to their 'athletic' past without actually doing any sports.  Now yes, neither Jim nor I actually did any sports either, but we were up front with it.  Don't mask your athletic nostalgia under the guise of wearing tight shorts and screaming unintelligibly into a giant cone.  [when you read it like that, it sounds like that crazy homeless guy on your street corner.  connection here???  indeed.]

#183- Monifah

Jim says, "Get a real name, already."

I usually save my lyrical hating for my special category, but Monifah's oeuvre is not wide enough to do that much snarking.  Instead, I would just say thank you to Mo for giving us the classic: "Do You Really Wanna Touch It?" 

The answer, this time anyway, is no, Monifah, no.  Besides, just by saying that, you do not sound sexy.  Instead you sound like you're giving a caviat to anyone who may be possibly interested.  "Do You Really Wanna Touch It?  Aren't you worried about catching my rampant case of gonoriphilis?"

#182- Offenbach

Jim says, "Unfortunate name similarity."

Being a music student at a Lutheran University, you get a lot of Bach crammed down your throat.  So much so that you either a) fall in love with his amazing use of contrapuntal style and beautiful fugal episodes or 2) run to the Wehrenberg cafeteria to find the nearest spork to jam into your cornea.  [can you guess which one we picked?] 

Offenbach gets the list solely for having a "bach" in his name.  It's not fair, but it's life.  Sorry.

#181- St. John's Wort

Jim says, "You wish you were Gingko Biloba.  But you're not.  You're a f-ing Wort."

The only question here is why would you ever put something with "Wort" in the title in your body.  St. John's Wort is the 'Toolio DeSac' of the herbal world; no one takes you seriously because of your stupid name.  Should've thought about that first, my friend.  Should have thought about that first. 

Thanks for visiting!  I hope you enjoyed your stay!  And tell me if you are pro or con!  I'm Charlie Sheen and your comments are my hookers!

Published in: on 3 May 2006 at 12*40 am  Comments (8)  

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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dude, following up “s my d” with “hard to swallow” is just NOT a good idea.

  2. If you’re as concerned about Abe Vigoda’s status as my husband, you should really download the Abe Vigoda Status Firefox Extension.

    Also, I like Laura Ingalls Wilder and Bach, but you know, it’s not my list.

  3. I like Laura Ingalls Wilder, too! I think she did the double-name thing so that kids who read her books would understand that the little girl in the book (Laura Ingalls) was actually her. I could be wrong. Anyway, the books are really interesting. I just re-read them recently, and I highly recommend them to both kids and adults. They provide a fascinating insight into American history and the days of the pioneers.

    Love the list in general, though. Keep ’em coming!

  4. I’ll comment on my own site again, because, I’m cool like that. I’ll relax my stance on pioneer books for now, and instead submit a “Laura ingalls Wilder? I hardly know her!” Should’ve said that to begin with. Again, I don’t read books, so her books being good most likely had very little to do with her listdom. Of all the people named though, everyone’s gotta think it’s funny that Laura gets the biggest backlash. Have I mentioned I love doing this whole weblog thing? It rules. Totally.

  5. Where to begin this time…
    1) The unedited Tony Basil post. Andrew, you know I usually don't object to your censoring of my rants, even if it is vaguely fascist. But this one I censored on my own and you still cut it down. If you feel the need to edit this comment, so be it, but perhaps burying it in the comments is good enough, eh? Anyway. Here's what I had to say about TB (coincidence that her initials are the same as tuberculosis?). Please read to the "tune" of that dreadful song: Hey Mickey, s my d, s my d you f-ing c. There, was that really so bad?
    2) Laura Ingalls Wilder wrote perfectly acceptable books…for 12 year old girls. I, not being a twelve year old girl, am less than enthralled. So that's that about that.
    3) FYI, since he made a huge deal of that Dead or Alive website, but failed to mention the pertinent information, Carol Channing in currently (unfortunately?) listed as alive.
    4) Does anyone else find it funny that as harsh as some of these come off, and even though it's clear we're (mostly) joking, every once and a while, Andrew feels the need to pull a punch? See Funicello, Annette above.
    5) Leah, the first time I read your comment it seemed to be referring to Abe Vigoda's status as your husband, i.e. are you and the Vig still married. I just found that amusing, then I reread and got it. I think it's funnier the first way.

  6. MANLEADERS!!!!!!!!!

  7. Well, I’m giggling like a tooth fairy getting fingered and gently incisored. Color me amused.

  8. Bush and the Republicans were not protecting us on 9-11, and we aren’t a lot safer now. We may be more afraid due to george bush, but are we safer? Being fearful does not necessarily make one safer. Fear can cause people to hide and cower. What do you think? What is he doing to us, and what is he doing to the world?
    What happened to us, people? When did we become such lemmings?
    We have lost friends and influenced no one. No wonder most of the world thinks we suck. Thanks to what george bush has done to our country during the past three years, we do!

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