On Destiny’s Child

With a deep group name like "Destiny's Child" and Shakesperean-esque lines like, "Honesty's always seen through eyes", taken from their Self-titled Debut Album that dropped in 1998, it's a real wonder that these weirdos didn't make it in the music business.


They did?

And with baseless crap like that?  "seen through eyes"?  Don't most things see through eyes?  What?  Well then my friends, let's open the floodgates and reveal this wonders of the American Pop scene! 

Let's begin with the nearly-Beethoven aria, "Jumpin' Jumpin'". And I quote:

"last weekend you stayed at home
Alone and lonely
Couldnt find yo man
He was chillin with his homies
This weekend you goin out
If he try to stop you, you goin off
You gotcha hair done and your nails done too
And your outfit and your in your shoes
You parlaying at the hottest spot tonight
You're gonna find the brothas
Rollin in the Lexus, trucks and Hummers"

'You're in your shoes'?  Huh?  That's more a response as to 'why you can't answering the phone'.  "Can you get that?"  "No, I'm outside and I'm IN my shoes!"

Also, If you dig deep enough, you will see that "parlay" and various forms of this word are used frequently in numerous different hip/hop tunes.  Just to point out, Dictionary.com says that to parlay is 1)to bet on a subsequent event or 2)to maneuver an asset to the greatest advantage.  Clearly, Beyonce must have misread 'asset', right?  Also, I would like to keep your mind on exactly what is said here about finding dudes with Lexus', trucks[seriously?  any truck is enough? even a Nissan?], and Hummers.  Funny how pro-gold digging they are.  Or are they just burlesque hypocrites?  Let's see.  From the song "Independent Women".  And I quote:

"Question: Tell me what you think about me
I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings
Only ring your cell-y when I'm feelin lonely
When it's all over please get up and leave
Question: Tell me how you feel about this
Try to control me boy you get dismissed
Pay my own fun, oh and I pay my own bills
Always 50/50 in relationships"

Sorry girls, I'm sensing a touch of sanctimoniousness here….clearly, everyone it's always 50/50.  Because at this point, the girls are rich.  Beyonce's rollin' in it now, so man, we pay our own fun.  And you best leave when it's all over.  This reads more like prostitution then I first thought.   Now, let's parlay back into a time BEFORE they were totally stinkin' rich and here I am, a smart, educated guy working my butt off for what they spend ON PURSES!  FOR THEIR DOGS!  sorry.  digress! digress! Where were we?  Yep, rampant hypocrisy. From a hit prior to Independent Woman, "Bills, Bills, Bills."  An epic title.  And I quote:

"Can you pay my bills?
Can you pay my telephone bills?
Do you pay my automo' bills?
If you did then maybe we could chill
I don't think you do
So, you and me are through"

Ouch.  Part of my brain just fell out onto the floor, not that it matters because, yes, although I am criticizing these morons, I knew enough about which song to look up to find this goodness.  This isn't just research my friends, which makes me, that's right, pathetic.  Ne'ertheless, let's discuss this snippit.  Apparently although they pay their own bills, they still want people to be able to pay their bills?  What?  And on what planed are telephone bills not included in "my bills"?  And what are you DOING on your phone in 1999 that is that expensive?   And not the dreaded "automo'bills"!!  I've only heard tell of these.  I don't know about your automo, but mine is paid, biatch.  And I would also like to apologize on behalf of Destiny's Child to the apostrophe.  You have been asked to do way more than was ever intended by the punctuation framers, and now my friend, you have officially been pillaged.  Next thing you know, people will start putting you in the middle of first names.  I would also like to say that I agree with Jim, that this seems like a little much to do just to 'chill.' and really not even that, to 'maybe' chill.  Girls, again, you've turned into prostitutes who are not guaranteeing anything.  And where does that get you, I ask?  The answer is, of course, Ohio. 

Now, at the end of the last one of these about our friend Usher, there was one lyric that was just too juicy to wait until the end, and I cynicised in brackets.  I had more fun re-reading that than anything in my life, so for my own benefit, I give you, [insert not-quite-so-triumphant fanfare (fanfare: Indiana, perhaps?) here] the Paranthetic Rancor!

From the award-winning (no i'm not actually joking, they actually win awards for this shit) "Make Me Lose My Breath." And I quote:

"Can you keep up? [you mean keep track of if you are so-ghetto or so-not-ghetto from one minute to the next?  no, I can't]
Baby boy, make me lose my breath [lose your breath?  is this a dance-off or a meeting at Curves?]
Bring the noise, make me lose my breath
Hit me Hard, make me lose my breath (Hah Hah)"
['hit me hard.'  and no, really hard, we're talking, capital-H 'Hard.'  Nothing screams love and 'sexy dancing' like domestic abuse!]

Two things I don't like when I tryin' to get my groove
[someone is so annoyed, they started a list!]
Is a partna that meets me only half way and just can't prove [what?  meets me only half way?  prove what?  you just couldn't rhyme anything with groove, huh?  what about 'remove'!  'behoove'!  i'd even take 'smoove'!]
Take me out so deep when you know you can't swim [again with the black people and swimming…i thought we were anti-stereotype here girls.  equality?  yeah?  except for when people pay your 'automo'bills', huh?]
Need a lifeguard and I need protection
To put it on me deep in the right direction
[whoa, we're not really talking 'lifeguard' here are we?  i somehow think that we're strecthing 'deep' to mean a too many different things here.  and some of those are gross.]
You understand the facts that I'm tryin' to give to you
You movin' so slow like you just don't have a clue
[dude, lay off.  someone clearly slipped him a rufie.]
Didn't mama teach you to give affection? [let's leave ALL mama's out of this, please.]
I know the difference of a man and an adolescent ["i do, really! I learned it in 6th grade! Something about vesicles, I don't remember exactly."]
It ain't you boo, so get to steppin'

I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to
[ok, this is my favourite.  what are you putting where?  on second thought, i think we all get it.  It just makes me laugh to think that maybe this is the same idea that was roundtabled at an executive advertising meeting at Malt-O-Meal headquarters.]
Now you wanna act like ya don't know what to do
After I done everything that you asked me
Grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you
[I double checked, it is 'liked' not 'licked' like you may think.  I like the mix of tenses during nastytime, too. Bad grammar is hot.]
Moved so fast baby now I can't find you [i thought too slow?  now too fast?  does our 'adolescent' have ADHD now?  make up your mind!]
You don't have no business in this here's your papers [like a puppy that just didn't work out getting sent to his new home on the farm, at last, the papers are reluctantly turned over.  It's a funny visual too, thinking of these people on the dance floor realizing that they're partna's dance moves are not nearly satisfactory, and thenceforth returning to them their papers.  like they're being subpoena-ed.]

And there you have it.  Feel free to add any of your own—a true defilement of this lyrical beauty can never really be finished. 

Published in: on 9 May 2006 at 8*33 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. This may just be me, but, um, “adolescent” wasn’t exactly the word I was expecting as the rhyme for “affection.”

  2. "OOOh I put it right there, made it easy for you to get to."
    Andy and I discussed this line yesterday, and I maintain that if you take a less literal stance, it's not so dirty, it's actually enlightened. Suppose for a second that "it" refers not to her vajooner, but instead to female sexuality, something she clearly doesn't want placed upon a pedestal ("Didn't mama teach you to give affection?"*) She is making the statement- as the Independent Woman Part. II she claims to be- that she too has needs, and to not be afraid to fulfill them, or discouraged by antiquated gender roles. So go, Jay-Z, it's easy for you to get to, and yes, this time, "it" means hooha.
    *I sure as hell hope my mama didn't teach me to give "affection". Grooooooooossssssss.

  3. Regardless of whether it all has a deeper meaning or not, this post was hilarious.

    :-) Genie

  4. Freaking brilliant, dude.

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