What IS the deal with ‘The News’?

To the young, typical, American couple sitting on their Salvation Army love seat with a posh botanic print, in a now-asbestos-free, partially un-finished basement, the end of the weekly installment of the Amazing Race came to a savory conclusion.  To the mature majority of Americans, a couple referring to themselves by one name, especially a couple that lacks celebrity, and whose dyadic name is MoJo, and infact any person who even USES the word mojo, let alone couple, is a couple that deserves to be stricken from anything labeled as Amazing.  "So Far, So Good" the mystical rajahs of reality shows thought to themselves, carefully watching over their kool-aid drinking hangers-on. 

As Janet Jackson the prudent once quipped, "Like a moth to the flame, burned by the fire, my love is blind, can you feel my desire?"  So too were the two to [all three to's! like an English textbook! bonus!] channel 83 on the small TV set with haphazard antenna, desperately trying to pick up the FOX wavelength from the small Chicago cellar, happy though to be in commission since its owners were that damn poor that they could not afford luxuries like cable or plumbing.   Once arriving at the fated channel, the couple then watched with muted glee and slight consternation mixed together like a misguided fruit salad someone got the bright idea to put effing honeydew in WHAT THE HELL.  For the first time ever, there were no people left on American Idol to hate.  The remainders were all acceptable, making the vote off all the more anticlimactic.  The dude that married a stripper was off and had a shocked face like any normal person would have walking into something like this.  Spooky.  En suivant, the couple then enjoyed/hated themselves for watching the denouement of Unan1mousSome bitch won the money and the couple cursed the people on the show and themselves for having been so gullible.  But, during the advertisements, something stupefying happened-a former American Idol was in 'HOT WATER' oh CRAP!  "Story tonite on Fox News at 9!"  The couple looked at each other and realized that their usual nite of ignoring anything current had to change.  "I gotta see that" said the gentleman.  The wife dittoed and their fate was sealed.

Robin Robinson and Mark Suppelsa greeted the couple, and welcomed them encouragingly to the 9:00 news.  The couple half-heartedly listened as apparently someone was murdered somewhere and maybe Chicago will host the Olympics in 2016 which who knew was planned that far in advance but why on Earth would Chicagoans care enough about this issue to pay $.75 cents to call up and vote on whether or not they thought that we should host the Olympics in 2016 to Fox News so why do you have to hock your stupid poll before every damn commercial and where the HELL is the damned story about Kelly effing Pickler!?!  The crew cut to Rick DiMaio which instantly sparked an inner purgatory within the husband.  "I Hate This Asshole" he said to no response from the wife or either of the two dogs looking on in wonderment.  It was not until after 2 more weather updates complete with DiMaio wardrobe changes, 3 more commercial breaks including polling demands from their 'viewers' [people watch this stuff every day?] and numerous teasers about the Kelly Pickler story all with clever puns made with her last name DID SOMEONE LET GENE SHALLIT IN HERE, that the couple finally viewed, at 9:40, that the North Carolinionian Jessica Simpson but dumber singer sang the Star Spangled Banner WHEN SHE WAS UNDER AMERICAN IDOL CONTRACT NOT TO SING.  The couple sardonically gasped, immediately shut off the television and stormed out of the basement. 

"Why does anyone watch the news?  Is it always this horribly useless and incredibly boring?"

"I do believe.  I get all the news I need from The Insider."

"Amen.  If it's not in Us Weekly or The Enquirer, then forget it."

The couple continued on into the nite, interrogating the imaginary news watchers about why on Earth anyone watches.  Because, seriously, who gives that much of a shit. 

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Published in: on 11 May 2006 at 11*32 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. You know I love you and all of your wonderously demented ramblings, but, truth be told, this one made my brain hurt. It looks like you turned the unnecessary adjectives/stream of consciousness sentences/bizarre similes (honeydew, whaaaat??) up to 11. Or, as is ragingly possible, you pushed yourself past the bounds of my comprehension. In which case, kudos. Either way, let’s have some more list action up in this mofo tomorrow. I miss the hate. :)

  2. You forgot about the story about how people are suing because some “nutritious fruit snacks” for kids are neither nutritious or fruit. Come on. Is that really news? I don’t understand how the parents were so confused because there were pictures of fruit on the package… even though the ingredients showed that they were just pretty much straight up sugar. And how is changing the name to “fruit treats” helping anything?


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