#’s 169-159

I just want to preface this with saying that I don't get Excel.  Therefore, your list of 11 F's this time is strangely only 9.  But from here on out baby, SMOOTH SAILING!  As always, this page will give you a blow-by-blow account of the list thus far.  (heh.)

#'s 169 & 168, fallen victims of my electronic inabilities, go ahead, pour one out.

#167- Kid Rock

Jim says, "As if you weren't bad enough on your own, you're from Detroit."

Detroit = puke, and not the good, hearty kind.  The biley kind.  Not since the bolo tie

has anything ever been so famous for the wrong reasons.  I always do find it thrilling, though, when celebrities I hate get in a room together, because then I can hope for some sort of Earthquake, Tornado, or Giant Green Asian Monster to suddenly hit a la simCity.  See: Kid Rock/Sheryl Crow recording a duet.  Fate, you missed one here!  You were further off the mark then Paula Abdul trying to find that AA meeting.  (photo courtesy Snarkywood.  Go there, it's hilarious!)

#166- Marion Barry

Jim says, "Crack?  Crack?!?  You're the mayor of D.C. you can afford some heroin for God's sake."

I'm always so shocked by a corrupt politician.  You just don't see that coming.  Huh. 

#165- Markie Post

Jim says, "So lame, I've forgotten why I hate you.  But I do."

Jim and I talked for a while the other day, trying to remember who she even is/was.  I know that there must have been a reason in 2003 for us to lambast her, but it seems that in the giant, variegated* world of celebrityness that there must have been someone else that we hated way more.  And obviously, there were 164 of them.  However, it is interesting, I think anyway, that even though we have no idea who the hell Markie Post is, she's still worse than Cher, Tom Cruise, Susan B. Anthony, and Flock of Seagulls

#164- Martha Stewart

Jim says, "pre-stint in the Big House"

Martha has clearly risen like a Phoenix from the asses now, post-prison.  I now love Martha.  I think she's funny and no longer too-full-of-herself and very well decorated.  Plus, you know she's holding out that she's got some nasty prison tats she did herself by leaving a shank out in the sun and numbing her skin with dark thoughts. 

Recently, however, I found out that the prison she went to did not have fences.  You could just walk away.  Yeah, they'd hunt you down Cheney style and send you back, but what the hell, go ahead, take your chances, biatches.  Seriously?  There were no stupid fences, and you didn't even make a break for it?  The Martha I know would've fashioned away out of that sort-of-hell-hole.  All Shawshank style, but with more class.  I believed in you.  Damn you.

#163- People from Delaware

Jim says, "First, your state's fake. (more on that later) Second, what the hell do you call yourselves?  Delewarites, Delewarians?  Move to Connecticut already."

Delewareans.  Doesn't that look weird?  Doesn't it look alien-ish.  Star Trek even?  Look–Lord Garbanzoid, we've located a collection of evil robot Delewareans 4 degrees East from that cohort of monkey looking things with mountains on their foreheads.  Quick, page Levar Burton, immediately!

Told you. 

#162- Siegfried

Jim says, "of '& Roy'.  Tiger-humping F-slice."

OOOOOOKay………..seriously, gentlemen?  As a wise man once said, "I don't know who's fruitier, Siegfried, Roy, or that big gay tiger." 

How can you take yourself THAT seriously?  Especially when you are that fruity, that Euro, and that excited about giant cats.  Gentlemen, reality would like to cordially invite you back home. 

On second thought, no reality wouldn't.  Just go ahead and stay in crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat-opolis.  It gives us more to laugh at.  It's good to know that the scant mention of Siegfried & Roy can make me giggle like a schoolgirl at any time, no matter what. 

#161- Steve Forbes

Jim says, "If Bill Gates were an even bigger tool, he'd be Steve Forbes."

Proof that all the money in the world can come sort-of but not really close to buying a victory in a Republican Primary.  Oh, if only I were a rich man, then I do could achieve my dream of political obscurity.  At least this malcontent* faded away since the naissance of this list.  Jack-ass. 

#160- Willa Ford

Jim says, "My Antonia sucks balls.  Wait, that's Willa Cather.  Whatever, you're both F's."

I HATE Willa Cather.  Hate hate.  Willa Ford just gets up here because she shares a name.  But let me tell you one thing, Willa Ford is no literature-creating lesbian who LOVES to write about landscaping and scenery, no!  She is a skank!  Do you know how hard it was to find a website about her that didn't seem seedy-featuring hi-lites from her appearences in nudie-mags?  Try it.  Good luck!  Finding a legit site is like sifting through your bulk mail box full of emails about p'enis enl'argement and boner pills just to find your damned word of the day. 

#159- Aaron Burr

Jim says, "Alexander Hamilton was a saint!"

Blah.  Aaron Burr = yesteryear's Dick Cheney.  Except at least Burr shot someone important.  And trust me Jim, if you knew Alexander Hamilton like I knew Alexander Hamilton, he is no saint.  Let's just leave it at that. 

Okay!  From here on out, we're smooth sailing.  No more mistakes to be made!  Any predictions from the peanut gallery?  Anyone to wager a guess about other F's soon to appear on this list?  Feel free to drop some ideas, peeps.  Until next time….

Seacrest OUT.

*more words du jour   (Mmmmm.  That sounds good.  I'll have that) 

Published in: on 30 May 2006 at 8*38 pm  Comments (9)  

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  1. First off, from reviewing my original copy of “The List”, it appears that #’s 168 & 169 were less victims of your technical incompetence than your inability to count (I don’t see anyone missing between 170 & 167). Which is not to say that you’re technologically competent, incidentally.
    On another note, I find it amusing that the first person to get editorially skipped for reasons other than not making fun of people we know personally was Martin Luther. You’re so brainwashed. My original Luther comment: “Thank you for creating Lutheranism – the closest thing to Catholicism since…Catholicism.” You’ve gotta remember folks, we kid because we love. After all, some of my best friends are Lutheran! :)

  2. I was going to be a twerp and delete the above comment, jimberly, but I will note that I was purposely getting rid of that one because I went to a class through my church and learned all about Martin Luther, and dude, he’s the bomb. Fo’real. I believe the first Luther reference was brought about by Jim in regards to our distaste for some of the weirdos around us by school and that seemed to be the only thing in common amongst them. Well my friends, if loving the Lord means you are strange, then count me in!

    If anyone read this and can’t get enough learning about our friend Martin, feel free to ask. Now, I’m a veritable font of info. Bring it!

  3. Just wanted to second the “Martin Luther Rules” thing you’ve got going on here…

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