Episode 8- “Did You Enjoy Your Cliffhanger?”

Sorry about the laziness, y’all.  Well, I’m gonna go ahead and even say that I wasn’t really being lazy.  Something happened.

My beautiful wife did it.  She gave birth.  We now have a miracle.  It’s really effing amazing.

That being said, I would like to go on the record as saying, “parenthood is hard.”  There’s a lot of really nice things people say to dance around the fact that it’s so effing difficult, but I would just like to add that it is really really frieking hard.  I used to believe people that said that when they are babies they are the easiest.  But those people are crazier than Courtney Love saying that she’s going to calm down by “not flashing her chest in public that much anymore.”  I don’t care how annoying a 16 year old complaining about not having a Mercedes (dream on buddy, can you say Pinto?), when’s the last time you changed THAT EFFING DIAPER!?  Hmmm?  Last time I checked most people in this world sleep for more than 45 minutes AT A DAMN TIME!!!!  So please don’t tell me “It only gets harder.”  [ps, people that say shit like that are annoying.  Also people that say to pregnant ladies, “enjoy your sleep now” or people that said to me the morning of my wedding, “it’s not too late!  haha!”  It IS too effing late so blow it out your ass.]  I’ll be the judge of when this is the hardest thank you very much!  (that’s what she said.  (:  )

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Now, since it’s been a while, allow me to add a few things I’d thought about since. 

Family is great.  Thank you family of all kinds. 

Soccer sucks.  I’m not interested nor will I ever be. I’m more afraid of our child (who will heretofore be referred to as Gassy McFartsalot) coming home one day and saying, “Hey Asshole Father (i’m guessing he’s mad at me about something.  Probably not letting him have a sleepover with that skanky girl down the street or something), I wanna join soccer.”  NNNNOOOOO!!!!!!  That’s scarier than Scream 2. 

Justin Timberlake also sucks.  His new ‘song’ sounds like robots getting it on.  It’s like C-3PO has finally found his own Marvin Gaye or Barry White.  It is BY FAR the worst song I’ve EVER HEARD.  And I was in a SOUSA concert!

Gnarls Barkley, I don’t care what stupid story you have as to how you came up with your name, but it IS because it sounds like Charles Barkley.

We got cable.  And a DVR TIvo knock-off type thing.  This makes me a hypocrite as those of you who have read this have noticed, but nothing will hypocrate someone better than 45 minutes of sleep at a time. 

I heart reality television.  I would like to thank the networks for running these during the summer so my life is not resigned to Law and Order SUV reruns and Murray Povich.  (I know it’s Maury.  It’s a joke, and if you get it and neither my wife NOR I have explained it to you, then I bet you understand what’s funny about Peanut M & M’s, too, don’t you.)

That’s all I’ve got for now.  But lay off me, I’m holding and feeding a crying baby, printing off myriads of things, and I just paid the bills, y’all.  So I think breathing is a feat right now. 

As Chris Farley would say, “Lay off me, I’m starving!” 

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Published in: on 11 July 2006 at 2*35 am  Comments (5)