#’s 158-148

#158- Courtney Love

Jim says, “Where do I even start?”

This is particularly timely as I just recently watched a rerun of the Comedy Central Roast of Pamela Anderson.  BTW, did you know you could say the F word and the P word and the C word and the D word and all of that, provided you just warn people after the commercial break?  I had no idea!  Before I know it I’m watching TV and all of a damn sudden I hear something about Bea Arthur’s D.  Whatever, bitches.  Step off the damn Golden Girls. 

However, Courtney Love is effed up.  She claims to be off drugs now, but if this is off of drugs, then pass me the hash pipe. We’re talking Tom Cruise crazy here.

#157- Howie Mandel

Jim says, “Prior to Deal or No Deal.  Way to follow Louie Anderson’s career path.  Let me know how that works out.” 

You’ve come a long way from Bobby’s World Ho.Man.  Seriously, you could be the worst thing to come out of Canada since Uncle Joey.  (go here for some good Canuck-y fun)  However, I can’t think of Howie Mandel without thinking of an ill-fated nite where the family sat down for a rousing game nite featuring some mean Trivial Pursuit action.  Thanks to my parents’ collective hearing loss, my sister and I were subjected to a conversation that went something like the following:

“Is it Howie Mandel?”

“Did you say Howard Cosell?”

Harvey Keitel?

Barbara Mandrell?!?” 

I’m seriously not joking. 

#156- Jaleel White

Jim says, “F*ing Urkel”

But dude, remember the Urkel-mobile?  With the sweet chalkboard that you wrote what speed you thought you were going?  Come on now….

However, what kind of name is Jaleel.  Can you really hear, “Come here little Jaleel, it’s time for dodgeball” or “Hello, I’m Jaleel White, Attorney-at-law.”  puh-lease….

#155- Mao Tse Tung

Jim says, “Damn Commie Bastard”


#154- Marcia Lewis

Jim says, “You know those weird people that alienate everyone around them and make them feel awkward?  Those people can’t stand Ma Lew.”

Another Valpo special.  I know I try to keep out the inside jokes, but when people are this weird, you just can’t help it.  Trust me, I’m making a few people very happy by putting up this angelic-voiced wonder.  (think operatic turkey/chain saw)

#153- Current Mayor of N.Y.

Jim says, “As in, whoever isn’t Giuliani”

Dude, I like Giuliani.  Anyone who can make fun of him self is cool by me.  I saw him on SNL and he was 100 times better.  Same for McCain.

BUT, and listen to my but, New York is a crap hole.  (did you mean bunghole?)  So therefore, b/c whoever you are you’re no Rudy G., and your city blows some serious ostrich nuts, you can go pound sand in your ass.  Take it, bitches.

#152- Tiny Tim

Jim says, “The ‘musician’, not the fictional Dickens character, although he was a whiny bitch, too.”

Dead, not Canadian.  For the record.  Tiny Tim did to the music genre what that little weird Oliver fellow did to the Brady Bunch: he bastardized it.  Whatever dude.  You being buried with your ukulele marks the first time a ukulele was every truly played properly, though, so we thank you for that.  At least there’s one less in this world. 

#151- Erik Kramer

Jim says, “Sucking up the Central Division since 1989”

There comes a time in a young man’s life where he has to choose between football teams.  However, when one of your choices features the only quarterback to actually be worse than your enemy team’s QB (Jim McMahon=not that good   Jim McMahon’s Sunglasses=awe-inspiring), it makes your decision for you.  Thanks a lot Erik Kramer, it’s because of you that I know who the hell Keith Woodside is. 

#150- 98 Degrees

Jim says, “What the hell kind of name is that? Bonus points for bagging Jessica Simpson, though.”

‘hey guys, I got our band name!  My friend Margaret, who’s slightly anemic and has poor circulation and exercise-induced asthma told me that she had to go to her doctor for a check-up and that the doctor said, ‘hey Margaret, your temperature’s hangin’ in there now…you’re up right around 98 degrees’ and that she was worried about the point 6, but I said SCREW THAT, 98 degrees is the most tightest band name in the frieking universe!  and then we can dress up like firefighters and look like we’ve been through a terrible fire!  Because everyone knows that fires and other really hot things [like the steaming loads of cow pies that are our future albums] top out at less than the average human body temperature!  This is good guys, and I’m not talking Bananarama good; Lynyrd Skynyrd good.’

And yet again, our list has foreboded some sad circumstances.   Sorry about your loss Nick.  But have you heard Jessica’s latest tune?  Trust me, you hopped off that train in the nick of time. 

#149- Anyone Who Orders a Virgin Anything

Jim says, “Here are your options: effing drink alcohol or drink water.  Bitch.”

This stems from a Sunday Brunch at the ‘Bow when a lady actually asked me for a Virgin Screwdriver.  And I stared.  Just stared.  Comin’ right up lady.  Hopefully whatever secret ingredient changes it from Orange Juice to a ‘Virgin Screwdriver‘ will make you less flipping stupid.

#148- Barry Manilow

Jim says, “See: Flock of Seagulls

Dude, have you seen Barry schlockin’ it up on American Idol singin’ the greatest hits of the 1860’s or whatever-the-hell he’s up to now?  He’s looking pathetic.  Barry, you’re one botched plastic surgery away from featured in Branson, my friend, so shape up or ship the hell out!

Well there you are, my friends.  I hope you’ve enjoyed the re-renaissance.  Don’t fret, I won’t turn off the juice.  It’s gonna come slowly, but it’ll get there. 

Published in: on 31 August 2006 at 8*37 pm  Comments (3)  

I’d like to give a shout-out to my seasonal allergies.

Hey guys,

Nice to see you.  I see you’ve showed up early this year.  Thanks for being considerate.  It’s been so long I feel so Dee-Lited that you were able to make it around.  I know when I say you never call I sound needy.  I’m sorry.  You’re more than welcome here in the house that is my upper respiratory area.  You are the Jennifer Aniston to my Vince Vaughn.  The Political Unrest to my Mid-East.  The Crossroads of America (which is fancy spin on saying the truth—our state is boring unless you love looking at corn and toothless hillbillies) to my Indiana.  So I hope you feel at home.  Stay awhile.  It’s not like it’s the busiest time of year and I have a 2 month old at home who sleeps for approximately 3 hours at a time if lucky.  Really.  Carry on.  It’s nice in there, huh?

signed, Mr. Mangina Claddough

p.s. go screw yourselves. 

Published in: on 22 August 2006 at 11*16 pm  Comments (3)