On L L Cool J

Today’s my birthday.  So leave a comment…that’s a good present for you that are too cheap to really care.  But lean in, I have a secret.  Apparently, this time Bill Gates really is going to send money to everyone who forwards this one e-mail.  It was apparently on the news.  At least that’s what everyone at my work believes which would explain why I’ve gotten the same DAMNED e-mail 21 times today.  Sheep…

Oh…..Oh my.   Let me first say that at least LL isn’t wrapped up in this East Coast/West Coast B.S., can I get a holla?  He’s bringing it back!  Okay, well I guess he kinda was back.  Either way, dude’s got some funny-ass lyrics.  Especially with songs like Doin’ It and Big Ole’ Butt

Let’s dig in then, shall we?  Let’s first dig in to LL’s passion for ‘tha bitches’ with a nice little candy tune, Lollipop.  And I Quote:

“I don’t care if your neighbors hear us down the hall
Make ’em jealous, what they gon’ tell us?
If you don’t tell your girls baby, I won’t tell the fellas
If you don’t plea, I orchestrated icebergisms
Visions of my lollipop’s thick risen, for my wisdom
Plop plop fizzdom, what I give them
Make – yea baby, right there – my new anthem
I love you baby, take it deep deep deep
Deep deep deep, now go to sleep”

Well, isn’t that sweet?!  Apparently neologisms (thank you, word-of-the-day) are in with the kids these days—‘icebergisms’ and ‘plop plop fizzdom.’  Someone alert Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; playa’s added some new words for us!  Now I know what happens when people have visions of lollipops.  Which apparently happens all the time.  For his wisdom, lest you forget.

Following this touching love ballad, we get a wonderful song that is surprisingly not about a Martin Lawrence movie: Big Mamma.  However, this song takes a surprisingly different stand…this Big Mamma is no chicken head…it’s his Nana, y’all!  And I Quote:

“I love you baby, you the one and only, that’s a fact
‘Til death do us part, I’ma always have your back
You beefed cause you heard that I was cursin in my raps
Eighty-six, still you wanna run and get the straps
I love you, I promise you I care for you deep
Cause when I had bronchitis you would rock me to sleep
Rub me down with green alcohol
Little brown-skinned lady bout five feet tall, Big Mama”

‘So much love…and so much…information.’  Watch out, playas…Nana’s BEEFED!  And why are you calling her ‘baby’?  Huh?  That’s almost as weird as her rubbing you down with Apple Pucker.  Eewww……

Speaking of loving your nana, here’s a touching tribute to life called Homicide.  And I Quote, slightly nervous:

“I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way
But Columbine happens in the ghetto every day
When the shit goes down y’all aint got nothing to say
He kicked the old lady’s door in, threw her on the floor
Choked her to death so she don’t scream no more
He need some white chocolate, he feel it in his bones
He heard she refinanced and got a bank loan
He used to mow the lawn, take the garbage out
Now she in the closet wit a sock in her mouth
Copped a chain, copped some crills
Crack pipe in his windpipe, twistin like a drill
Run around frontin, buyin his mens kicks
Gassed a broad up so she can help her rent a whip”

Again, sweet.  ‘Needed some white chocolate’ goes so well with ‘Refinanced and got a bank loan.’  And such a poignant commentary on school violence.  I’m sure those Colorado-ians are really thrilled about that thought.  Especially the ‘broads’. 

Speaking of racial commentary—how about the song Niggy Nuts?!?!??!  I hope you’re ready!!  And I Quote:

“Chains might be gold, the joints always platinum
(And rims) always chrome (jeans) always pressed
(Loot) always right (cut) always fresh
(Gear) always dipped (honey) always bangin
(You hot?) Always, my niggy nuts always hangin
Hold it down, rocks by the pound
The new 2002 b-boy sound
Hoes stand back, I’m shakin up the game
You shoulda never tried, to SLIDE in my lane
When-I-ease-this milky white drop up
Wanna bang ya, that’s all you need to know
50 deep in Summer Jam, I closed the show”

Gross.  In his defense, at least his jeans are  always pressed.  That says a lot for someone who’s the new 2002 b-boy sound.  Niggy Nuts.  Wow.  Just wow. 

Now, as is customary, it’s time for some shizzle that’s just too good to wait until the end.  From the Wagnerian-esque masterpiece, Back Seat.  Enjoy.

And I Quote:

I wanna send this one out to all the jeep lovers worldwide [?  That’s nice.  I love the jeep for their stellar towing power and crash test rating!  Is that what this is about?]

I know you wanna come…in my jeep [Wait a minute…I don’t like where this is going…MY WRANGLER!]
we can park on a back street [Oh, jehosophats.  Here we go.]
you’re checkin’ out my carphone, scopin’ out my jewelry [How horny does that make you, huh?  If you weren’t givin’ it up before, once you see that carphone…game ON!]
let’s do this in a hurry [Oh, you charmer, you]
air freshener is kickin’, drive through for chicken [Wow, someone used their rhyming dictionary!  Also, i always think of Fried Chicken as an aphrodisiac.  No?]
I know you need a good stickin’ [yeah, you know me]
you’re puttin’ on your lipstick [Always important to reapply after each meal!  We ain’t got none of that good L’Oreal shit…]
I wanna give you this big fat…(yeeeaaa) [“You’re sharing the big chicken with me?  How nice!  Wait, what?  Oh.  Gross. I guess….I had my heart set on that chicken though…]
I light a candle on the dashboard, we’re chillin’ [iQue Romantico!]
I knew a girl like you would love a scene like this [Okay, we’re starting to get sweeter…]
hittin’ it, we’re spunkin’ [Oh, shit.  ‘Spunkin’.  That sounds painful.  My pelvis hurts.]
I’ll even get you drunk and tipsy windows are foggy [Very generous!]
and, uh, back seat treats in the streets could be a hobby [Just like Philately!  But with Nudity and ‘Spunkin’!]
and you ain’t in between the Isley Brothers’ sheets [Where the HELL’D that come from?  I would hope not, because then you’d be OLD.  Right?]
I give it to you real raw in the backseat [The chicken, right?  No?  Dammit, I’m battin 0.000.]
we’re bonin’ on the dark blocks [Of course we are.  Apparently Fried Chicken and ‘doing it’ have a lot of the same vocab terms…]
wearin’ out the shocks, wettin’ up the dashboard clock [Disgusting.  Just disgusting.]
seats full of sweat, I told ya I would hit it [You warned me!  What was I thinking?!?  Wait, I know.  I was just hoping you’d take me effing home already!]
your kitty, kitty, cat, cat, was hungry so I fed it [again, you are so thoughtful!  Kind, Generous, ‘Spunk’y…]
workin’ as a team [There’s no I in team!]
you’re still a nice girl but my jeep makes ya flip [Because it rolls over, seriously.  Have you SEEN the Consumer Reports?]
you go wild and stick your toes on the roof (yeah yeah) [naturally….]
you’re so cute, wit’ your gold tooth [classy broad here]
extentions on the carpet [well played.  nice.]
that nice round brown is my target [Sounds like a UPS commercial.  What Brown is doing for him though, is not something that your average customer expects, though, I’m just guessing.  Except for Jim, of course.]
it’s so firm, so cushy, it makes me feel mushy [Like old Jell-o!  Alert Bill Cosby!]
I love it when it’s pushy
but don’t laugh, I’m serious with this (word up)
[Apparently so.]
the back seat of my jeep, is priceless [Not according to my Blue Book.  Let’s see, ’92 Wrangler….back seat…approx. $79.29.]
you’re climaxin’, you’re climaxin’, it’s full action [And that’s just from the Chicken!]
you love a good waxin’, it’s so relaxin’ [yeah, you know me.  LOVE a good waxin’.]

unh, give me a hug [at this point, don’t you think we’ve moved beyond a hug?  We’ve ‘spunked’, ‘climaxed’, ‘waxed’, and ‘ate fried chicken.’  A hug seems a mite dismissive, eh?]

Well there you have it.  That’s good right?  I thought so.   What’s that L?

 “Shhh, baby [not Grandma this time], my Jeep’s got a squeaky axle…Keep your waxin’ quiet….”

Published in: on 26 September 2006 at 10*58 pm  Comments (7)  

#’s 147-137

First of all, go here to see some cute babies.  One is ours, and one is our Goddaughter.  Now, onto something completely different……..

Remember, if you don’t understand what is going on here [is it that tough to figure out, people????], then consult this page to find the answer to all your romantic queries.  Unfortunately for you, none of the answers are “Pina Colada Butt Lotion.”  [if you don’t get that reference, then see the damn movie already….]  Where was I?…….

#147- Justin Timberlake

Jim says, “If you were a chick, your current level of obscurity would warrant an Internet sex tape.”

This one leaves me hearkening back to the days of making this list.  It was soon after N*Sync broke up and all the frat-douche, all-dude dance groups a la Keith Luhmann followed suit that Justin tried his hand at solo work.  (As opposed to Jim, who is always trying his hand at solo work.)  And he was a miserable failure.  I miss those days.  I wish he was still there.  But no, now I have to listen to this shit, which, as aforementioned, is the worst music ever in the history of music.  AND I EVEN LIKE PIERROT LUNAIRE!

#146- Kris Kristofferson

Jim says, “One of the original crossovers.  Stick to the singing.  On the other hand, don’t do that either.”

I really thought he was dead.  So I checked it out on my favourite dead-checker website and discovered that he was not!  And that Orville Redenbacher [see below] died 11 years ago, today.  Of drowning in a jacuzzi.  Sad, sad.  Almost as sad as frieking Kris KriseffingTOFFERSON.  What a pube. 

#145- Lil’ Romeo

Jim says, “You only wish you were Lil’ Bow Wow”

I didn’t remember who the hell Lil’ Homeo was, so I did some investigation, only to unearth a charming website where tweens were found debating which was the “fave”, Romeo or Bow Wow.  Some of my favourite responses:

lil Romeo’s angel, age 13: “Lil Romeo is the best.  He’s inspired me.  I always wanted to be a singer and he helped me to get a recording studio with the chance of becoming a singer.  Thanx lil’ Romeo.”    [He helped you get a recording studio?  And this gave you a chance of becoming a singer?  do you give no credit to your vocal cords?]

lil_Romeo_iz_HOT, age 15: “I think Romeo is heaps cool.  Romeo, if you read this will you go out with me.  [Something tells me, lriH, that Romeo is too busy ‘heap’ing his cool with people that use proper frieking PUNCTUATION]

playtoy, age 13:  “I really liked Lil’ Romeo’s last video.  I wonder…can I be in his next video?”  [too bad playtoy’s penchant for video being-in-ing was discovered by an unfortunate google search by R. Kelly.  And thus, history was made.]

#144- Lorena Bobbitt

Jim says, “Ouch.”

I don’t know what to say about this.  Seriously.  What the hell?

On a side note, did you know that Lo.Bo. was from Ecuador?  Lorena Leonor de Gallo Bobbitt.  I don’t know what that says, but I guess we know those crazy Ecuadorians like it FREEE-KAY!!!!! 

#143- Mark Fuhrman

Jim says, “How do you F* up the O.J. case? Seriously?”

Maybe if you weren’t so damned racist, M.F.  Coincidental initials, no sirree.  Also, can I point out that our own M.F. here later penned a novel about the Terry Schiavo case?  Seriously.  Who the hell are you?  Why don’t you go spend your time not hating minorities, huh?

#142- Orville Reddenbacher

Jim says, “What a popcorny, Valponian douche.”

To the ordinary citizen, Orvie may seem like a friendly figure.  Sort of like the monopoly man.  Or the marlboro man.  However, when YOU live in Valpo during ‘popcorn-fest’, then you let ME know how you feel about this guy. 

#141- P. Diddy

Jim says, “Sean Combs, Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs, Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, and now Diddy.  An F by any other name would be as F-tastic.”

No shit.  What the hell is your name?  You’ve changed names more times than Pam Anderson has changed ta-tas.  More times than Duran Duran has sucked.  [her name was Rio…More times than I’ve mentioned hating Ohio.  And that’s a whole damn lot. 

#140- Wayne “the Newton” Newton

Jim says, “How this F ever became a sex symbol is completely beyond me.”

Okay, Jim.  I would like to conduct a survey here.  Please leave a comment saying whether or not you have EVER heard of ANYONE referring to ‘the Newt’ as a sex symbol.  I for one have not.  Until now.  And am scarred.  Jim, what the hell?  I get that you have strange tastes [Getting Up Early, Julia Roberts Movies, Bestiality Porn], but Wayne Newton?  What circles are you running in up there?!?

Or I’m living in the dark.  Maybe there’s a barrage of old ladies in walkers mumbling things about Wayne’s Newton all day long.  Come on people, which is it?

#139- Yoko Ono

Jim says, “I personally hate everyone who dragged this bitch down from the top ten finish she so richly deserves.”

Dude, Amen.  Don’t blame Global Warning…(sweet band name)…blame Yoko Ono.  It’s her damn fault.  AHHHEEEEAAAYYYYIIIIII!!!! [sfx. GONG]. 

#138- Austin Peay/Oral Roberts/Bob Jones

Jim says, “I don’t know for a fact that all these schools are affiliated with Mormonism, but it seems like they would be, and that’s close enough for me.”

Okay, if I’m correct, BOB JONES hates black people.  Or the Jewish.  I don’t remember.  And I’m pretty sure that ORAL ROBERTS is only noteworthy grace a the ‘ORAL’.  Does anyone really go to schools like these?  Are they real or are they imaginary places that you can only get to by pulling down the third book from the right?  Has anyone heard tell of anyone actually attending any of these fated schools??

#137- Benito Mussolini

Jim says, “Probably the best fascist dictator name, but a fascist dictator nonetheless.”

Dude, Benito Mussolini is a freekin’ sweet name.  Just say it over and over again and it starts to sound like something you’d eat with some killer grappa and a dude named Emilio.  EMILIO!!!!!!!

Can you believe it, people?  #137, already!  We are on our damn way.  Just make like the SOX and Don’t Stop Believin’!   (except, do suckers, because Minnesota’s all over you like anorexia on Nicole Ritchie)

Published in: on 19 September 2006 at 8*31 pm  Comments (4)  

Episode 9- “Letters From a Mildly-Affected Lunkhead”


Dear Amy,


You must have, like, the population of a small, meagerly-fed West African nation that readeth (i don’t know where that came from) your site daily.  I know I check it pretty frequently, but I was totally surprised to see an email from my Sister-in-Law letting me know that i had been mentioned on your site.  I then went to see if this was for real, or if it was like those “free penis enlargement” e-mails I always get that later just dissapoint upon some minor research.  But, to my chagrine (why do people say this?  What does it mean? did i use it wrong?  i’m guessing…), you had me linked!  I was a mite surprised considering that it wasn’t one of my most favouritest posts, but still, very much appreciated.  I like this one better.  (:

I went to go check out the page on wordpress that shows me how many people have wandered over, and the page astonished me.  I now show you what I see today:

Typical day-3 lonely hits

Typical day-5 sad hits

Typical day-2 embarrasing hits

Amy Link day-409 gratifying hits

Next day-350 self-assuring hits

Next day-390 ego-inflating hits

Day Amy Updated-102 Uh-oh….hits

Today-5 well, i had it for a minute hits

So thank you, my friend.  If you ever stumble back here, you should know that I will forever be indebted to you. 


Dear guy at church,

Please read over your announcements very carefully before you begin.  I do not necessarily appreciate hearing, while I am sitting at a clav in front of a sanctuary full of religious people, that the 65+ club should hurry up and sign up for their tickets to the “Kane County COOTERS” game this coming Friday.   You’re just lucky I wasn’t drinking or eating anything at the time because that could’ve been dangerous for my nasal passage and the people in the front.  Thank you.


Dear Yung Joc,

You suck.  And I like rap.  ‘Yung’ man, you should look up to my good friend,
Luda, who actually has some amazing lyrics.  Such as “Got my mind and my money, and my money on my mind, but you’s a helluva distraction when you shake that behind.”  See, you can do better.


Dear Mom,

Thanks SO much for making me a Green Bay Packer fan.  As I’m sitting with my wife’s family watching the Bears/Packers game, I realized that my allegiance in no way works in this city.  I DO understand though, for if a Buckeye fan walked anywhere near
Michigan, I would stage a revolt involving hurling large implements of animal husbandry at them.  Mostly cattle prods.  Oooh, and a taser.  I will try to remain strong. 


P.s. Rex Grossman blows.  Seriously.  You’ll see.


Dear entryway to Rosati’s pizza on 111th and Kedzie,

Screw you man.  What’s the big idea?  You’re up so frieking high that i bottom out EVERY damn time I want a frieking Panzarotti.  What do you have against Hondas?  The way I see it, you’re one of those punks who need to be taken outside and schooled-Swayze style.  Watch your step, or you may no longer be my regular Saturday night thing.


Dear random student,

Thanks so much for passing along this special idea.  Supposedly, in a children’s book entitled “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants,” by Dave Pilkey, there is an evil professor that forces everyone to assume a new name.  Thank you for giving me the key so I can figure out everyone’s new names.  Sometimes you just need that laugh. 

p.s. I am Gidget Applelips.  Jim is Pinky Girdleface.  Leah is Poopsie Chickenpants.  My wife is Chim-Chim Wafflemouth.  Do you want to know yours?  I need the first 4 letters of your first and last name, and you, my friend, shall have your wish granted.  Or leave other comments.  Whatever. 

Published in: on 12 September 2006 at 7*54 pm  Comments (6)  

On Sheryl Crow: “Project: Sellout”

From the mean streets of Kennett, MO, Sheryl Crow majoretted, Paperdoll Queened (WTF?) and yes, FFA‘d her way through high school. (thank you, Wikipedia for again providing us with myriads more information than we could ever desire, and yet still only be slightly helpful)  She went to college, became a music teacher (props) outside of St. Louis (gag me with a broken spork) and was jilted by a former lover.  (not that one-nut bike dude.  If you love France so damn much, why don’t you move la?)  Her lyrics were good, and her music solid.  She was a breath of fresh air; something different.  Case in point, this awesome lyric from my favourite Sheryl Crow song ever, “I Shall Believe.”  And I quote:

Open the door/and show me your face tonite/I know it’s true/no one heals me like you/and you hold the key

never again/would I turn away from you/I’m so heavy tonite/but your love is alright/and I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way you think it oughta be/seems like every time I try to make it right it all comes down on me/please say honestly you won’t give up on me/and I shall believe.

[loud exhale]   That’s good.  That’s what I’m looking for.  But do you think maybe you could explain exactly what happened to your abilities?  I think it has something to musical whoredom.  Yep, that’s it.  From the later shitty album “C’mon C’mon” comes the inspired tune, “Weather Channel”.  And I quote:

Can you make it better for me?/Can you make me see the light of day?/Because I got no one who will bring me a big umbrella/So I’m watching the weather channel

oh my.  Now, before her ‘Big Bang’ with Lance, and her brush with stardom, the album Tuesday Nite Music Club was a huge seller.  I got it off of BMG in 7th grade because I liked the song “All I Wanna Do.”  The first song struck me as a good tune and I sang it all around.  Not too long ago, I thought of it again and busted it out, and listened to it.  Then I realized exactly what the words of the first verse meant, and I was dumbfounded.  You’re telling me the same bitch who wrote “I wanna soak up the sun/I wanna tell everyone to lighten up/I got no one blame/everytime I feel lame/I’m looking up”  came up with this stuff?  Here’s “Run, Baby Run.”  And I quote:

She was born in December, 1963/the day Aldous Huxley died/and her mama believed/that every man should be free/so her mama got high, high, high/and her daddy marched on Birmingham/singing mighty protest songs/and he pictured all the places/where he knew that she’d belong/but he failed and taught her young/the only thing she’d need to carry on/he taught her how to run, baby, run, baby, run/past the arms of the familiar/and their talk of better days/to the comfort of the strangers/slippin’ out before they say ‘so long’/baby loves to run

Nice, huh?  Something that actually makes you think.  Times like this I’m proud SC was a music teacher (i just typed mucis, as in mucous.   A whole different kind of education, there)  Unlike when I heard the chorus from “Over You.”  And I regretfully quote:

I wanna get over you/but you’re everywhere/and i just can’t get away/i gotta get over you/’cause it’s just not fair

Barf.  Anyway, the time has come to rip ol’ Sheryl a new one.  We now take on of her most ridiculous lyrics from her newer times, the famous pro-self-love anthem, “Hole In My Pocket.”  Enjoy; your dose of parenthetical rancor:

You can tell me the world is round and I’ll prove to you it’s square [really, Columbus.  I’d love to hear this.  Especially since it has NOTHING to do with your point here]
You can keep your feet on the ground, but I’ll be walking on air [Wow, Columbus with super powers!  I don’t remember anyone ‘walking on air’ since The Greatest American Hero….Believe it or not, it’s just me! {or, Believe it or not, I’m not home! depending on how much Seinfeld you’ve seen}]
You’re pretty good at waiting While I go running around [Thanks for the bone.  nice complement.  Way to sit while I cheat.  Nicely done.]
Well, that’s just the way it is, you know [Bitch]
I got a hole in my pocket [buy some new pants then, right?  Can i get a holla? Or enjoy your new pants hole.  Come on now!]
You give me love and I drop it [you dropped it?  That’s the best you can do?]
I guess I threw it away [Ok, what is it then?  Maybe this is why Cardinals fans are all such Morans(because she’s from Missouri.  A stretch, I know.)]
We stick together with every day that passes by [Huh?  Is that what you just said?  Dude, I’m confused.]
But I’m just like the weather, I keep on changing my mind [Again with the DAMN weather references!  And what MIND does the weather have?  Great simile, FORMER TEACHER!]
Well you can hardly believe it [Ain’t that the damn truth]
Every time I turn and say, well Good morning, I’m leaving [skank]
And I’ll be back in a few days
But that’s just the way it is, you know o
[o, I know, o]

I got a four leaf clover [wow, well done!  Where’d you get that?  the ‘enchanted troll’ who also sells you your special ‘sniffling powder’?]
I’ll throw it over my shoulder [naturally]
I’m gonna need it someday [for all those 4-leaf clover emergencies.   At least it will be over your shoulder.  A WONDERFUL place to keep important documents and small pieces of superstitious foliage]

It’s too bad really, Sheryl.  I liked you.  I did.  And you went and sold out faster than Celine Dion’s Las Vegas show on Senior Citizen Discount day.  Damn.  

Published in: on 6 September 2006 at 7*07 pm  Comments (4)  

Quick Commercial Break- Exposing Weirdo Search Habits

Real fast-like, I’d like to thank the searchers of the world.  Unfortunately, I feel like I have let some of you down.  I’m sorry, random person, but I do not have any pictures of anyone showing how to catheterize one’s self on my little home away from home here.  (seriously, that was last week) At least not after the lawsuit.  Just in case you’re interested, the list of search queries always makes me laugh hysterically, so here it is. 

My favourites are :’How to tell if a goat is pregnant’ ‘is Annette Funicello a bitch in real life’ and ‘what is a cap snaffler’.  So, thanks. 

Search Terms for 7 days ending 2006-09-05
didn’t mamma teach you affection 2
organum pyramid 2

“elvis stojko” 1
destiny s child can you people 1
florid organum 1

what happened to robin robinson on chann 1
Destiny’s Child, Indepent Women 1
seinfeld ukraine weak clip 1

what is a cap snaffler picture 1
seinfeld quotes “what is the deal” 1
Mary Carillo transgendered 1

Search Viewspierzynski sucks 3
pregnant people and their bellies 1

florid organum 2
map of chicago linkin park 1

is annette funicello a bitch in real lif 1
how to tell if goat is pregnant 1

Published in: on 5 September 2006 at 8*14 pm  Comments (1)