Episode 9- “Letters From a Mildly-Affected Lunkhead”


Dear Amy,


You must have, like, the population of a small, meagerly-fed West African nation that readeth (i don’t know where that came from) your site daily.  I know I check it pretty frequently, but I was totally surprised to see an email from my Sister-in-Law letting me know that i had been mentioned on your site.  I then went to see if this was for real, or if it was like those “free penis enlargement” e-mails I always get that later just dissapoint upon some minor research.  But, to my chagrine (why do people say this?  What does it mean? did i use it wrong?  i’m guessing…), you had me linked!  I was a mite surprised considering that it wasn’t one of my most favouritest posts, but still, very much appreciated.  I like this one better.  (:

I went to go check out the page on wordpress that shows me how many people have wandered over, and the page astonished me.  I now show you what I see today:

Typical day-3 lonely hits

Typical day-5 sad hits

Typical day-2 embarrasing hits

Amy Link day-409 gratifying hits

Next day-350 self-assuring hits

Next day-390 ego-inflating hits

Day Amy Updated-102 Uh-oh….hits

Today-5 well, i had it for a minute hits

So thank you, my friend.  If you ever stumble back here, you should know that I will forever be indebted to you. 


Dear guy at church,

Please read over your announcements very carefully before you begin.  I do not necessarily appreciate hearing, while I am sitting at a clav in front of a sanctuary full of religious people, that the 65+ club should hurry up and sign up for their tickets to the “Kane County COOTERS” game this coming Friday.   You’re just lucky I wasn’t drinking or eating anything at the time because that could’ve been dangerous for my nasal passage and the people in the front.  Thank you.


Dear Yung Joc,

You suck.  And I like rap.  ‘Yung’ man, you should look up to my good friend,
Luda, who actually has some amazing lyrics.  Such as “Got my mind and my money, and my money on my mind, but you’s a helluva distraction when you shake that behind.”  See, you can do better.


Dear Mom,

Thanks SO much for making me a Green Bay Packer fan.  As I’m sitting with my wife’s family watching the Bears/Packers game, I realized that my allegiance in no way works in this city.  I DO understand though, for if a Buckeye fan walked anywhere near
Michigan, I would stage a revolt involving hurling large implements of animal husbandry at them.  Mostly cattle prods.  Oooh, and a taser.  I will try to remain strong. 


P.s. Rex Grossman blows.  Seriously.  You’ll see.


Dear entryway to Rosati’s pizza on 111th and Kedzie,

Screw you man.  What’s the big idea?  You’re up so frieking high that i bottom out EVERY damn time I want a frieking Panzarotti.  What do you have against Hondas?  The way I see it, you’re one of those punks who need to be taken outside and schooled-Swayze style.  Watch your step, or you may no longer be my regular Saturday night thing.


Dear random student,

Thanks so much for passing along this special idea.  Supposedly, in a children’s book entitled “Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants,” by Dave Pilkey, there is an evil professor that forces everyone to assume a new name.  Thank you for giving me the key so I can figure out everyone’s new names.  Sometimes you just need that laugh. 

p.s. I am Gidget Applelips.  Jim is Pinky Girdleface.  Leah is Poopsie Chickenpants.  My wife is Chim-Chim Wafflemouth.  Do you want to know yours?  I need the first 4 letters of your first and last name, and you, my friend, shall have your wish granted.  Or leave other comments.  Whatever. 

Published in: on 12 September 2006 at 7*54 pm  Comments (6)  

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Poopsie is v. accurate on the days I am changing two babies’ diapers…

  2. Dude, you’re like, famous and shit. Woo!

    Also, I want to know my special name!

  3. OOO!!! I want to know my secret name!

  4. Dawn, I am in need of more evidence before I can create your new name. I must know letter 2 and 4 of thine surname.

    Steph=Crusty Gerbilhiney-Gigglepizza (if you were to hyphenate)

  5. Sorry Dawn, I’ve got it now smalls.
    Dawn=Zippy Bubbleburger

    And there you have it.

  6. Who is this Amy chick, and is she hot? If so, I wouldn’t mind hittin’ her myself, if you know what I mean.

    And I think you do.

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