#’s 147-137

First of all, go here to see some cute babies.  One is ours, and one is our Goddaughter.  Now, onto something completely different……..

Remember, if you don’t understand what is going on here [is it that tough to figure out, people????], then consult this page to find the answer to all your romantic queries.  Unfortunately for you, none of the answers are “Pina Colada Butt Lotion.”  [if you don’t get that reference, then see the damn movie already….]  Where was I?…….

#147- Justin Timberlake

Jim says, “If you were a chick, your current level of obscurity would warrant an Internet sex tape.”

This one leaves me hearkening back to the days of making this list.  It was soon after N*Sync broke up and all the frat-douche, all-dude dance groups a la Keith Luhmann followed suit that Justin tried his hand at solo work.  (As opposed to Jim, who is always trying his hand at solo work.)  And he was a miserable failure.  I miss those days.  I wish he was still there.  But no, now I have to listen to this shit, which, as aforementioned, is the worst music ever in the history of music.  AND I EVEN LIKE PIERROT LUNAIRE!

#146- Kris Kristofferson

Jim says, “One of the original crossovers.  Stick to the singing.  On the other hand, don’t do that either.”

I really thought he was dead.  So I checked it out on my favourite dead-checker website and discovered that he was not!  And that Orville Redenbacher [see below] died 11 years ago, today.  Of drowning in a jacuzzi.  Sad, sad.  Almost as sad as frieking Kris KriseffingTOFFERSON.  What a pube. 

#145- Lil’ Romeo

Jim says, “You only wish you were Lil’ Bow Wow”

I didn’t remember who the hell Lil’ Homeo was, so I did some investigation, only to unearth a charming website where tweens were found debating which was the “fave”, Romeo or Bow Wow.  Some of my favourite responses:

lil Romeo’s angel, age 13: “Lil Romeo is the best.  He’s inspired me.  I always wanted to be a singer and he helped me to get a recording studio with the chance of becoming a singer.  Thanx lil’ Romeo.”    [He helped you get a recording studio?  And this gave you a chance of becoming a singer?  do you give no credit to your vocal cords?]

lil_Romeo_iz_HOT, age 15: “I think Romeo is heaps cool.  Romeo, if you read this will you go out with me.  [Something tells me, lriH, that Romeo is too busy ‘heap’ing his cool with people that use proper frieking PUNCTUATION]

playtoy, age 13:  “I really liked Lil’ Romeo’s last video.  I wonder…can I be in his next video?”  [too bad playtoy’s penchant for video being-in-ing was discovered by an unfortunate google search by R. Kelly.  And thus, history was made.]

#144- Lorena Bobbitt

Jim says, “Ouch.”

I don’t know what to say about this.  Seriously.  What the hell?

On a side note, did you know that Lo.Bo. was from Ecuador?  Lorena Leonor de Gallo Bobbitt.  I don’t know what that says, but I guess we know those crazy Ecuadorians like it FREEE-KAY!!!!! 

#143- Mark Fuhrman

Jim says, “How do you F* up the O.J. case? Seriously?”

Maybe if you weren’t so damned racist, M.F.  Coincidental initials, no sirree.  Also, can I point out that our own M.F. here later penned a novel about the Terry Schiavo case?  Seriously.  Who the hell are you?  Why don’t you go spend your time not hating minorities, huh?

#142- Orville Reddenbacher

Jim says, “What a popcorny, Valponian douche.”

To the ordinary citizen, Orvie may seem like a friendly figure.  Sort of like the monopoly man.  Or the marlboro man.  However, when YOU live in Valpo during ‘popcorn-fest’, then you let ME know how you feel about this guy. 

#141- P. Diddy

Jim says, “Sean Combs, Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs, Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, and now Diddy.  An F by any other name would be as F-tastic.”

No shit.  What the hell is your name?  You’ve changed names more times than Pam Anderson has changed ta-tas.  More times than Duran Duran has sucked.  [her name was Rio…More times than I’ve mentioned hating Ohio.  And that’s a whole damn lot. 

#140- Wayne “the Newton” Newton

Jim says, “How this F ever became a sex symbol is completely beyond me.”

Okay, Jim.  I would like to conduct a survey here.  Please leave a comment saying whether or not you have EVER heard of ANYONE referring to ‘the Newt’ as a sex symbol.  I for one have not.  Until now.  And am scarred.  Jim, what the hell?  I get that you have strange tastes [Getting Up Early, Julia Roberts Movies, Bestiality Porn], but Wayne Newton?  What circles are you running in up there?!?

Or I’m living in the dark.  Maybe there’s a barrage of old ladies in walkers mumbling things about Wayne’s Newton all day long.  Come on people, which is it?

#139- Yoko Ono

Jim says, “I personally hate everyone who dragged this bitch down from the top ten finish she so richly deserves.”

Dude, Amen.  Don’t blame Global Warning…(sweet band name)…blame Yoko Ono.  It’s her damn fault.  AHHHEEEEAAAYYYYIIIIII!!!! [sfx. GONG]. 

#138- Austin Peay/Oral Roberts/Bob Jones

Jim says, “I don’t know for a fact that all these schools are affiliated with Mormonism, but it seems like they would be, and that’s close enough for me.”

Okay, if I’m correct, BOB JONES hates black people.  Or the Jewish.  I don’t remember.  And I’m pretty sure that ORAL ROBERTS is only noteworthy grace a the ‘ORAL’.  Does anyone really go to schools like these?  Are they real or are they imaginary places that you can only get to by pulling down the third book from the right?  Has anyone heard tell of anyone actually attending any of these fated schools??

#137- Benito Mussolini

Jim says, “Probably the best fascist dictator name, but a fascist dictator nonetheless.”

Dude, Benito Mussolini is a freekin’ sweet name.  Just say it over and over again and it starts to sound like something you’d eat with some killer grappa and a dude named Emilio.  EMILIO!!!!!!!

Can you believe it, people?  #137, already!  We are on our damn way.  Just make like the SOX and Don’t Stop Believin’!   (except, do suckers, because Minnesota’s all over you like anorexia on Nicole Ritchie)

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Published in: on 19 September 2006 at 8*31 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Dude, what did Ohio ever do to you?

  2. I think that Wayne Newton is (supposedly) a sex symbol to middle-aged women. I recall some reference to middle-aged women throwing their panties onstage at his concerts in Vegas. This may have been on Malcolm in the Middle and/or Rosanne.

    Oh, Oral Roberts. When I lived in Oklahoma, I went to a few Valpo vs. Oral Roberts basketball games. I learned a bit about the history of the school. Did you know that Oral Roberts (the person, not the school) was a tele-evangelist who locked himself on the top floor of the tallest building on campus and went on a hunger strike until he was able to raise $8 million? I forget how long he was up there, but it was on the order of months. Supposedly, he encountered a 900-foot-tall Jesus who said that if he didn’t raise the $8 million within a certain amount of time, he would die.

    I hate when 900-foot-tall-Jesus makes demands like that!

  3. Let me just make one thing perfectly clear: I do not like Julia Roberts movies!
    (I hope someone besides the two of us gets this joke…)

  4. Lil’ Homeo. Really?


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