On L L Cool J

Today’s my birthday.  So leave a comment…that’s a good present for you that are too cheap to really care.  But lean in, I have a secret.  Apparently, this time Bill Gates really is going to send money to everyone who forwards this one e-mail.  It was apparently on the news.  At least that’s what everyone at my work believes which would explain why I’ve gotten the same DAMNED e-mail 21 times today.  Sheep…

Oh…..Oh my.   Let me first say that at least LL isn’t wrapped up in this East Coast/West Coast B.S., can I get a holla?  He’s bringing it back!  Okay, well I guess he kinda was back.  Either way, dude’s got some funny-ass lyrics.  Especially with songs like Doin’ It and Big Ole’ Butt

Let’s dig in then, shall we?  Let’s first dig in to LL’s passion for ‘tha bitches’ with a nice little candy tune, Lollipop.  And I Quote:

“I don’t care if your neighbors hear us down the hall
Make ’em jealous, what they gon’ tell us?
If you don’t tell your girls baby, I won’t tell the fellas
If you don’t plea, I orchestrated icebergisms
Visions of my lollipop’s thick risen, for my wisdom
Plop plop fizzdom, what I give them
Make – yea baby, right there – my new anthem
I love you baby, take it deep deep deep
Deep deep deep, now go to sleep”

Well, isn’t that sweet?!  Apparently neologisms (thank you, word-of-the-day) are in with the kids these days—‘icebergisms’ and ‘plop plop fizzdom.’  Someone alert Henry Wadsworth Longfellow; playa’s added some new words for us!  Now I know what happens when people have visions of lollipops.  Which apparently happens all the time.  For his wisdom, lest you forget.

Following this touching love ballad, we get a wonderful song that is surprisingly not about a Martin Lawrence movie: Big Mamma.  However, this song takes a surprisingly different stand…this Big Mamma is no chicken head…it’s his Nana, y’all!  And I Quote:

“I love you baby, you the one and only, that’s a fact
‘Til death do us part, I’ma always have your back
You beefed cause you heard that I was cursin in my raps
Eighty-six, still you wanna run and get the straps
I love you, I promise you I care for you deep
Cause when I had bronchitis you would rock me to sleep
Rub me down with green alcohol
Little brown-skinned lady bout five feet tall, Big Mama”

‘So much love…and so much…information.’  Watch out, playas…Nana’s BEEFED!  And why are you calling her ‘baby’?  Huh?  That’s almost as weird as her rubbing you down with Apple Pucker.  Eewww……

Speaking of loving your nana, here’s a touching tribute to life called Homicide.  And I Quote, slightly nervous:

“I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way
But Columbine happens in the ghetto every day
When the shit goes down y’all aint got nothing to say
He kicked the old lady’s door in, threw her on the floor
Choked her to death so she don’t scream no more
He need some white chocolate, he feel it in his bones
He heard she refinanced and got a bank loan
He used to mow the lawn, take the garbage out
Now she in the closet wit a sock in her mouth
Copped a chain, copped some crills
Crack pipe in his windpipe, twistin like a drill
Run around frontin, buyin his mens kicks
Gassed a broad up so she can help her rent a whip”

Again, sweet.  ‘Needed some white chocolate’ goes so well with ‘Refinanced and got a bank loan.’  And such a poignant commentary on school violence.  I’m sure those Colorado-ians are really thrilled about that thought.  Especially the ‘broads’. 

Speaking of racial commentary—how about the song Niggy Nuts?!?!??!  I hope you’re ready!!  And I Quote:

“Chains might be gold, the joints always platinum
(And rims) always chrome (jeans) always pressed
(Loot) always right (cut) always fresh
(Gear) always dipped (honey) always bangin
(You hot?) Always, my niggy nuts always hangin
Hold it down, rocks by the pound
The new 2002 b-boy sound
Hoes stand back, I’m shakin up the game
You shoulda never tried, to SLIDE in my lane
Guaranteed-to-blow-the-block-up
When-I-ease-this milky white drop up
Wanna bang ya, that’s all you need to know
50 deep in Summer Jam, I closed the show”

Gross.  In his defense, at least his jeans are  always pressed.  That says a lot for someone who’s the new 2002 b-boy sound.  Niggy Nuts.  Wow.  Just wow. 

Now, as is customary, it’s time for some shizzle that’s just too good to wait until the end.  From the Wagnerian-esque masterpiece, Back Seat.  Enjoy.

And I Quote:

I wanna send this one out to all the jeep lovers worldwide [?  That’s nice.  I love the jeep for their stellar towing power and crash test rating!  Is that what this is about?]

I know you wanna come…in my jeep [Wait a minute…I don’t like where this is going…MY WRANGLER!]
we can park on a back street [Oh, jehosophats.  Here we go.]
you’re checkin’ out my carphone, scopin’ out my jewelry [How horny does that make you, huh?  If you weren’t givin’ it up before, once you see that carphone…game ON!]
let’s do this in a hurry [Oh, you charmer, you]
air freshener is kickin’, drive through for chicken [Wow, someone used their rhyming dictionary!  Also, i always think of Fried Chicken as an aphrodisiac.  No?]
I know you need a good stickin’ [yeah, you know me]
you’re puttin’ on your lipstick [Always important to reapply after each meal!  We ain’t got none of that good L’Oreal shit…]
I wanna give you this big fat…(yeeeaaa) [“You’re sharing the big chicken with me?  How nice!  Wait, what?  Oh.  Gross. I guess….I had my heart set on that chicken though…]
I light a candle on the dashboard, we’re chillin’ [iQue Romantico!]
I knew a girl like you would love a scene like this [Okay, we’re starting to get sweeter…]
hittin’ it, we’re spunkin’ [Oh, shit.  ‘Spunkin’.  That sounds painful.  My pelvis hurts.]
I’ll even get you drunk and tipsy windows are foggy [Very generous!]
and, uh, back seat treats in the streets could be a hobby [Just like Philately!  But with Nudity and ‘Spunkin’!]
and you ain’t in between the Isley Brothers’ sheets [Where the HELL’D that come from?  I would hope not, because then you’d be OLD.  Right?]
I give it to you real raw in the backseat [The chicken, right?  No?  Dammit, I’m battin 0.000.]
we’re bonin’ on the dark blocks [Of course we are.  Apparently Fried Chicken and ‘doing it’ have a lot of the same vocab terms…]
wearin’ out the shocks, wettin’ up the dashboard clock [Disgusting.  Just disgusting.]
seats full of sweat, I told ya I would hit it [You warned me!  What was I thinking?!?  Wait, I know.  I was just hoping you’d take me effing home already!]
your kitty, kitty, cat, cat, was hungry so I fed it [again, you are so thoughtful!  Kind, Generous, ‘Spunk’y…]
workin’ as a team [There’s no I in team!]
you’re still a nice girl but my jeep makes ya flip [Because it rolls over, seriously.  Have you SEEN the Consumer Reports?]
you go wild and stick your toes on the roof (yeah yeah) [naturally….]
you’re so cute, wit’ your gold tooth [classy broad here]
extentions on the carpet [well played.  nice.]
that nice round brown is my target [Sounds like a UPS commercial.  What Brown is doing for him though, is not something that your average customer expects, though, I’m just guessing.  Except for Jim, of course.]
it’s so firm, so cushy, it makes me feel mushy [Like old Jell-o!  Alert Bill Cosby!]
I love it when it’s pushy
but don’t laugh, I’m serious with this (word up)
[Apparently so.]
the back seat of my jeep, is priceless [Not according to my Blue Book.  Let’s see, ’92 Wrangler….back seat…approx. $79.29.]
you’re climaxin’, you’re climaxin’, it’s full action [And that’s just from the Chicken!]
you love a good waxin’, it’s so relaxin’ [yeah, you know me.  LOVE a good waxin’.]

unh, give me a hug [at this point, don’t you think we’ve moved beyond a hug?  We’ve ‘spunked’, ‘climaxed’, ‘waxed’, and ‘ate fried chicken.’  A hug seems a mite dismissive, eh?]

Well there you have it.  That’s good right?  I thought so.   What’s that L?

 “Shhh, baby [not Grandma this time], my Jeep’s got a squeaky axle…Keep your waxin’ quiet….”

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Published in: on 26 September 2006 at 10*58 pm  Comments (7)  

7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Has the dude ever been in a Jeep? Because unless he’s talking about the Grand Cherokee or something, there is just not room for that kind of thing in those vehicles. I mean, seriously, you’re not going to get any in a Wrangler or a Liberty. It’s just not comfy.

    Or so I’ve heard.

    Happy birthday!

  2. Happy Birthday!

    Is “fried chicken” on your birthday list?

  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

  4. Happy Birthday Baby!! Or Britday like I first typed…

  5. Happy birthday, one day belated.

    LL Cool J is pretty gross. Wow.

  6. I’m not Coloradan, but I am a broad, and I, sir, am not thrilled.

    And Happy belated as well. This makes you how old?

  7. Now I need a shower. With bleach. Or perhaps some lye soap. And WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CANDLE? He lit a candle on the dashboard–do you think it just *stayed there* with all the “wearin’ out the shocks” that was going on?

    Happy belated birthday!

    Alexa “so cute wit’ my gold tooth” Flotsam


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