#’s 136-126

Things have been going pretty well lately in life, so I don’t have TOO much to bitch about.  So, I’ll channel some earlier bitching and release it on your sorry asses now.  Enjoy! 

#136- Chumbawumba

Jim says, “Please don’t get up again.”

With lyrics like “Flatfoot comes poking/Compounding my misery/Grinding pestle and mortar/adding insult to injury”, it’s a wonder that Tubthumping was these guys’ only big hit!  I guess the lesson to be learned here is that being Australian only makes you cool enough for one quick foray into American pop culture.  Anything more is just laughable.  Take the hint, Mel Gibson(…sugar tits…)!!!!!

#135- Delta Burke

Jim says, “If anyone tries to tell me that Delta Burke was unconventionally hot I will personally castrate them.”

OH, Designing Women.   You were so swarthy and Southern and whorish.  Even your gay black friend.  Wait, isn’t Delta Burke DEAD?

#134- Denny’s

Jim says, “Low-rent racist M’er F’ers.”

Okay, arguably the best thing at Denny’s (besides saying or not saying “i’ll have the moons over my-hammy“) is the grasshopper shake.  It’s minty and green and delicious and a favourite of Wifey.  But EVERY TIME YOU ASK FOR IT, THEY’RE OUT OF THE DAMN GREEN SHIT!!!!  Why even bother putting it on the DAMN menu if you don’t EFFING HAVE IT!!!!!  DAMMIT!!! 

Also, I encourage you to go to Denny’s circa 3:30am sometime, just to observe the crowd.  It’s like National Geographic there. 

#133- James Swearingen, ASCAP

Jim says, “More like ASSCAP.”

Not the deadwood guy.  Though from what I hear (knock-off TiVo is one thing, HBO is another…), he’s kind of an a-hole as well.  No, this is James Swearingen ASCAP, as in American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers.  Nothing inherently wrong with them, but it’s not like I still go around listing myself as ‘Dude, Kappa Delta Pi‘, ‘Joe Schmo, Music Educator’s National Conference‘.  Please.  Get over yourself.  And then write ONE DAMN SONG that doesn’t go back between 6/8 and 3/4.  We get it.  It worked for effing Leonard Bernstein.  And you sir, you’re no Leonard Bernstein. 

[I am fully aware how music-nerdy I just got there and I apologize.  Oprah’s a bitch.  There, that’s better.]

#132- John Smith, Jr.

Jim says, “Church of the Latter-Day Nutcases maybe…”

Anyone who has seen Big Love may question the whole poly-doin’-it thing…(polygamy…I know…’doin’ it’ is funnier) but I think it’s more like a big giant advertisement.  Who needs to read the book of Mormon when you can WATCH it, huh?!?  Anyone who discovers a religion after some dude tells you to go look for a gold plate on a hill is worthy of this list, I DO believe.

#131- John Stamos

Jim says, “Pre-split with Rebecca Romijn.  Now more sad than F-ish.”

Hey John!  Congratulations, though, on the awesome reviews on your new show!  I heard some AWESOME things!  I guess the Full House curse is finally broken!  (never mind Uncle Joey on Skating With Celebrities, Aunt Becky on Summerland, and the twinsies in Traffic

Wait, you’re telling me the show was cancelled after 1 episode?  Well, shucks.  At least some pathetic show will take you some day down the road….

#130- Jose Canseco

Jim says, “Pre-juice.  Post-I’ll give him a 5.”

Surviving living in a house with Janice Dickinson and Omarosa Manigawhore-Stagenitalwartsth is an amazing task in and of itself.  But, you did still give up a homerun that bounced off your hemorrhoid-induced-swelled-up-beaner and into the stands.  That makes you a loser.  Sorry.

#129- LaToya Jackson

Jim says, “For crying out loud, Tito had more talent.”

‘Nuff said.

#128- Master P

Jim says, “You are not a basketball player.  You’re not even that good of a rapper!”

But we did have Dancing With The Stars….  Ahh, whimsy. 

Seriously though, Christopher Reeve had better moves.

#127- Pee-Wee Herman

Jim says, “His name is ‘Pee-Wee’!  How did we not see that coming?  Oh, bad choice of words.  Maybe we did see that ‘coming’…”

Oh, I loved Pee-Wee’s playhouse.  I don’t know if that means something, and I insist it does not as I know my wife loves it also.   We have circa 25 knock-off-TiVoed episodes of the show now that they rerun it on Cartoon Network late at nite.  I like to watch it for the connect-the-dots-la-la-la-la.  Too bad he went all George Michael on us.  Oh, Pee-Wee, what went wrong?

#126- People Who Wear Zubaz

Jim says, “You should be a-F*ing-shamed of yourselves.”

Oh my.  For those of you that are offended, I would like to point out that it is people who “WEAR” Zubaz, as in currently.  We all did it.  It’s like a painful coming of age.  Like that dancing-around-the-table ceremony or genital mutilation.  Only slightly less scarring.  So I’ve heard.  But still, everyone, it’s done now.  Put it away with the paisley and the dickies.  There comes a time when you must cut your losses. 

Seriously. 

Hollaback, girls, we’re nearing the top 100!

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Published in: on 6 October 2006 at 8*19 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. For the record, *I* never wore Zubaz.

  2. Bitch till ya feel better!


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