#’s 125-115 (f. parental bitching/Minelli!)

 I have had an incredible spike in hits lately, and it seems to be largely due to the fact that I have used the following (frightening) picture on my site before.

If you came here looking for that or because Google told you it was here, then thanks for coming.  Scary, huh?  Although I despise Liza Minelli and actually played piano for a voice teacher who went to High School with Miss Judy Garland, Jr., and hated her, I guess I will accept my duties as a Liza Minelly authority and will go ahead and tell you that, yes, she is STILL crazier than a Shit-House-Rat.  Thank you.  On to the post…

Can I say one thing before I start defiling strangers here?  (That sounds surprisingly exciting, though, huh?)  DON’T I REPEAT DONT  tell me that ‘it’ will get worse.  I frieking HATE YOU when you tell me it will get worse.  No matter how DAMN frustrating a 2-year-old is, at least he can EFFING tell you what the HELL he wants!!! 

I’d love for you, you cup-half-empty-I-liked-fat-Elvis-better-the-Beatles-weren’t-all-that-great*-cool-aid-drinking-scientologist-assholes to come over and hold the baby when he’s SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS DAMN LUNGS for no apparent reason.  (go ahead, send DCFS, maybe they could at least share some ideas!)  Then you go ahead and tell me that a 2 year old who is either crying because he’s injured or sad or being an ass but no matter what he has an EFFING DAMNED REASON is worse.  Tell me.  And I’ll kick you in the scrotum.  Ass.

Now, where was I?  Ah yes.  Hating. 

#125- State Troopers

Jim says, “As evidenced by the [low rank], it’s clear that not everyone has gotten a $300 ticket in AssF*ck, IN by one of these pricks.”

I have never been pulled over by a State Trooper.  Cops from Evergreen Park, Burbank, and Kouts, IN, maybe.  But NEVER a State Trooper, though, from what I hear from Jim, they’re awful.  HOWEVER, if you listen to EVERYTHING Jim tells you, you’ll end up with Scabies and a Notre Dame sweater.  (hard to say which is worse, huh?)  I do, on the other hand, LOVE the song “Super Trouper!”  Who knew something positive was coming! (That’s what she said.)

#124- The Baldwins (not Alec)

Jim says, “I’m not sure why Alec.  He sucks, too.”

I think that I like Alec Baldwin.  I think he is funny.  But what’s with the others?  This was the least successful acting wannabe family dynasty since the Osmonds.  I accidentally typed the ‘Ormonds’, the ‘Osmonts’ and the ‘Mormons’ all before I successfully typed Osmonds.  Not in that order, but seriously. 

#123- The Unabomber

Jim says, “Nice hoodie, F-tard”

Hey, at least he was successful.  You can’t argue with success.  Or Tacos.  Dammit I’m hungry. 

#122- Ticketmaster

Jim says, “Service charge, my ass.  Cocksmocking monopolists.”

TICKETMASTER SUCKS!  You heard it here first, my friends.  Why?  Why so much money?  I work hard for my money—so hard for it, honey.  Jim would like you to know, also, for the record, that NO ONE knows more about cocksmoking monopolists.  Especially when ‘monopolists’ means ‘people that play Monopoly!’. 

#121- Amy Fisher

Jim says, “You don’t see Joey Buttafuoco on this list, do you?  Damn straight, bitch sold him out.

I think that a “Long Island Lolita” sounds like a delicious cocktail.  “What’ll you have, partner?”  “Do you have Skol Vodka and 5 0’clock Tequila here?  Great.  Then I’ll have a Long Island Lolita.”   Delicious.

But did you know that Alyssa Milano and Drew Barrymore BOTH played Amy Fisher in movies?  Maybe Amy Fisher not so bad after all… 

#120- Anna Nicole Smith

Jim says, “Rated pre-‘Trimspa, baby!’.  On one hand, she’s somewhat hot again.   On the other hand, can you ever forget what came in between?”

Nothing is hotter than having a questionable role in your own son’s demise, huh?  Sweet….

But, she sure was funny in Naked Gun 33 & 1/3! 

#119- Delaware

Jim says, “I swear to God this is a made up state.  Seriously, the capital is Dover?  Completely fictional.”

No shit.  What a waste!  What good ever came from Delaware?!?  And what self-respecting state only has 3 counties!?!  3 counties?!?!?!  What a joke!  LOSERS!

Take your fake state, and……..Blow it out your ASS!!!!

#118- Dick Clark

Jim says, “Age!  Damn, you age!”

Oh my.  He’s more sad than anything.  It’s like when we were watching Friday Nite Lights and the dude’s Gramma was all taking a bath at someone else’s house, and then she’s all, don’t let anyone see me, and I was all crying like a baby.  It’s sad like that.  If only it weren’t for American Bandstand.

#117- Dustin Diamond

Jim says, “Never has so pornish a name been attached to so weak of a man.”

WHHOOOAAA!!  Seriously, this list was compiled in 2003, and Jim sent me all his comments for-EVER ago!  Who could’ve POSSIBLY guessed that Screech would later shed his monacre for a new, much more, Dirty Sanchez-ier Dustin Diamond

Sometimes it’s like Jim is Miss Cleo, except, even LESS Jamaican. 

#116- Laurie Snell

Jim says, “Officious Bitch.”

I thought I got rid of all the Valpo-inside-joke type people, but I guess one snuck in.  Sorry y’all.  Just take my word for it.  She a bitch.

#115- Martin Lawrence

Jim says, “Ma’in!  Fu’er!”

Martin Lawrence sucks.  He’s not even funny.  I have skin rashes funnier than him.  Multiple. 

I have sensitive skin-lay off me. 

Have a nice day b-b-b-b-BITCHES!

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Published in: on 26 October 2006 at 7*43 pm  Comments (5)  

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. HAAAAAAAAAH! Kouts!

    Guess you must’ve blew through the stopsign.

  2. I notice that you have an asterisk to nowhere following The Beatles. A typo? More likely you meant to make the confession that you yourself were once one of these tragically unenlightened Beatles-bashers. That’s ok. I once wore flourescent clothing. We all make mistakes. Now some list notes:
    -The Baldwins are even more difficult to take seriously now that Steven Baldwin has become a born-again uber-Christian.
    -At what, precisely, was the Unabomber successful? Last I heard we all still have computers and cars and whatnot. (This comment is based on my foggy memory that the Unabomber basically wanted us to all live like Menonites. Close enough.)
    -Ohio gets a lot of crap around here. I think we need to start spreading the hate a little more evenly. Especially when there are “states” as deserving as “Delaware” out there.
    -I will take full credit for the emergence of Dustin Diamond’s internet revival. Not that I’m proud of it or anything…

  3. “You can’t argue with success. Or tacos.” Wise words, my friend. I doubt I’ll hear anything even half that intelligent all day.

  4. Yes Jim, that was meant to clarify later in a footnote that I used to be a non-Beatles-getter thanks to my upbringing, but have since seen the error in my ways and have even convinced others to drink the Kool-aid!

    Also, although I already told chris, my cafeteria WAS serving tacos that day. Sweet Bliss. (not Miss Bliss, a la Saved By The Bell JH, however…)

  5. We are saying for the fans and We know all the fans hate Ticketmaster and Stubhub for There irrelevant Ticket

    Fees and Ticket Charges. We are fade up with there unfair approach towards fans. We want all fans to Unite and

    Stand with us for the movement against Ticketmaster, Stubhub and Scalpers.

    http://www.fanarchist.com/blog/we-hate-ticketmaster-and-we-have-to-say-it-loud/

    – We are Voice Of Fans

    – We are Voice Of Fans


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