Why I love Gloria Allred. And by love, I mean, really really hate. A lot.

Okay, watch out bitches, I’m angry.

In case you spent the last two weeks in the line outside K*Mart waiting for the 5am opening on Black Friday, you probably know that Kramer’s in a bit of trouble.Go to fullsize imageHe said some bad stuff.  Some really awful stuff.  Stuff that is not funny to anyone.  Truly misguided–clearly something is amiss with this guy, and he should mayhaps seek some sort of counseling, or something. 

But come on, people.  This is from a story from msnbc.com.  As legitimate as I get.

“…the targets of his rage — Kyle Doss and Frank McBride — have also reached out to someone — tenacious lawyer Gloria Allred…”  Oh, hooray!  I get to see this ass for another month or so!  I missed her…(go to that website. It’ll make you barf.)

“…our interview with Doss and McBride was granted on one condition — that we also interview their high-profile attorney, Gloria Allred….” Can’t imagine that!  What a surprise!  It can’t be because the all-powerful Allred might want to extort money from someone who’s flailing to fix a difficult situation, could it?  She wouldn’t do that!  Not a woman who has taken such important civil rights cases as that time she sued K*Mart for having separate Boys and Girls Toy Sections!  Separate but equal! 

“…“It is not enough to go on television and say ‘I’m sorry,’” Allred said. “We are issuing a challenge to Michael Richards.”…”  —-Okay, my friends.  Here is what she’s asking.  Excuse me, I mean what they are asking through her.  Apparently these victims, who were emotionally wronged, feel that the only way that they can be righted is through compensation.  Money.  Allred wants Richards to sit down with a retired Judge (emphasized repeatedly) and apologize to the victims “man-to-man”-to Gloria Allred-to retired Judge.  Apres-apology, the Judge will decide how much money Kramer should pass across the table.  Of course.  Makes sense to me.

I get it, guys.  You were insulted.  But by paying to get into a Comedy Club, unless someone is yelling “Fire” or whatever, you’re saying that whatever is said is O.K.  But come on, everyone gets insulted by people all the time!  There are stupid people in this world–many of them.  MANY.  Michael Richards did NOTHING illegal.  He was an ass.  You don’t deserve money; you don’t even deserve the attention you’re getting.  And what about shouting back at him? Doesn’t that sort of hurt your case that you called him a “F*ing Cracker-Ass Mother-F*er”? Two wrongs, my friends. If Michael Richards were some random schlub off the street, NONE of this would be happening.  If he didn’t have the money and enough celebrity to warrant a nation-wide tizzy, then no one would know who these victims are or that there even were victims. 

Racism sucks.  It sucks that it still exists.  But you know what else still exists?  Ageism.  Sexism.  Socio-economic Prejudice.  Sexual Orientation Prejudice.  Sexual Harrassment.  What makes this incident and you so important that you deserve money from a guy who did NOTHING ILLEGAL!  Grow up.  Seriously.  Grow up. Fight injustice appropriately. Extorting money and then disappearing is not fighting.

And you, Gloria Allred.  You are disgusting.  I went to her website and looked around and everything, and everything about her is so incredibly fake.  It is obvious to EVERYONE that you are a money-grubbing snake.  You should really be ashamed of yourself. 

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Okay, that was serious.  On a side note, I CAN NOT get enough of the Blue October CD my wife gave me for my birthday.  It’s frieking awesome.  If you’re too cheap, just download the song “Overweight.” 

I discovered these guys when Zayra sang their song “Razor Blade” on Rock Star:Supernova/whoops, some other name that’s not already taken.  Unfortunately, that song is not on their new CD, though.  One of the older ones, yes.  So, you out there, it is almost Christmas……

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Published in: on 27 November 2006 at 8*50 pm  Comments (5)  

Episode 10- “Pregnant Goats, Insane ‘Magicians’, and Why I Love My Fake TiVo.”

 UPDATE-go to the Mr. Maestro REVEALED! bit on your right.  Seriously.  Do it now, and then come back here.

1st-I broke 9,000 today.  A special thanks is owed to Liza and to people who are interested in how to tell if a goat is pregnant.  Thanks.

2nd-Remember Jim?  My college roommate?  Well, apparently, his David Blaine bit has sparked some controversy.  Mainly me and him trying to take down this mysterious “ZORAN” fellow, who is clearly David Blaine himself.  It’s reminiscent of Leah’s Stroger/Peraica Drama.  Who knew?

Now, onto details.  You may recall that at one point I hated TiVo people, and then later, hypocritacally at best, became a tivo-knockoff user.  (tivo-knockoff may even be better.  That’s right.  Just ask her.)  Well my friends, my wife has become REALLY good at pausing the TV at those certain moments when TV should never be paused.  (Just like how HD is actually a curse sometimes…..ever watch the News in HD?  I’m guessing that no one took into account Juan Carlos FAN-JUL or Rick DiMaio when they created that shit.) 

I’m sure there’s a better way to impart these moments than to just pause the TV and take a picture with a camera, but I’m nowhere NEAR as technology-savvy as either of these guys, so this is what you get.  Some moments from my TV-watching life.

A special thanks to The Biggest Loser for sharing this special moment.  Trembling with excitement, aren’t you ladies??

Again, Biggest Loser.  Where exactly did her leg go, you ask?  My guess is that, in a desperate attempt to lose weight, that Susie started lopping off appendages.

On the next photo, look carefully to try to figure out what doesn’t quite belong…(aside from the enchanting candle/match tableau atop the TV proper…)

Hello!  The lady on the left in the front is clearly wearing a bag!  She’s INSIDE A BAG!  HOW DOES NO ONE AROUND HER SEEM TO NOTICE OR CARE?  SHE’S IN A DAMN BAG!

Now I know Jeopardy can be difficult sometimes, even perplexing.  But, I’ve never seen it affect anyone in quite this way before…

Here’s Meredith puking from Grey’s Anatomy

And last, but not least, I can’t FOR THE LIFE of me remember what show this was from, but my wife had to play the clip for me 10 times before I FINALLY saw what the hell the problem was.  Keep this with you as you go about your happy holiday weekend, my friends.  God Bless!

Published in: on 21 November 2006 at 9*16 pm  Comments (4)  

#’s 114-104

Okay, first of all, for the last couple of years or so, my e-mail address has seemed to make it in to some loser’s address book.  He clearly thinks I’m someone else.  The problem is, is that he’s from Ohio (which I’ve clearly discussed before), and that he LOVES THE Ohio State Buckeyes.  Which, with their impending demise at the hands of one Michigan Wolverines, makes for some really annoying emails.  [ex. “GO  BUCKS! click on the Michigan Still Sucks website below.”]  Bleechhh.  But, I’m too lazy/and/or I’m waiting for them to lose and then I’ll stick it to him.  Take it, bitch!

Speaking of bitches…. (oh, and go see Jim, who helped, and this page holds all list-related info so you can figure out what’s up here…)

#114- Telemarketers

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Telef***wipes.” 

Dude, I was a telemarketer once.  And I know they’re annoying, but could you maybe be nice about it?  Don’t be assholes. 

Unless they’re the annoying ones (which I clearly could not have been…) in which case, get your anger out while you can! (for example, “no, I’m not interested. You know what i AM interested in? Your sister.)

#113- Willa Cather

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “See: Willa Ford.”

Yikes!  Nice photo, Willa. I knew you were a lesbian and all about woman power and shit, but that’s scary.  You look like Marvin Hamlisch. 

I had to read My Antonia for school a total of 3 times.  Even on sparknotes, the damn thing sucked.  Enough about the fricking landscape.  It doesn’t symbolize shit, and it’s boring.  Good lord, Willa.  Pages about shrubbery.  Pages and pages of lesbian shrubbery. 

Although, when you put it that way…

#112- Yanni

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “The best human punchline since Carrot Top.” 

I think we all owe a big thank you to Yanni for his musical contributions to society, don’t we?  After all, without him, we wouldn’t have…..well…..anyone?…..nothing?…..Hey, did anyone see Top Model last nite?

#111- Al Gore

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Jim says, “Not only did he not invent the internet, he also didn’t not suck ass.” 

All you who were so concerned about that Florida voting b.s. and thought that Georgio stole the presidency, I want you to think about what exactly it would be like if Al Gore had pulled it out.  (another interesting word selection…)  Scary huh?  I’m not the biggest pro-Busher, (!) but that guy?  Really?  Hey Al Gore, I heard the ozone’s getting better!  And solely due to your efforts!  Tipper’s waiting somewhere needing some serious face-mauling.  Hop to it!

#110- Bill Walton

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “What a douche.  Magic Johnson could be here too, they both suck ass.” 

Jim has mentioned many times about Bill Walton, so go check his ideas out.  I just think he looks like a giant asparagus.  Don’t they look like the Stroger’s there, though? 

#109- Enrique Iglesias

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Gets a spot on this list just for diddling Anna Kournikova.  Oh, and making really shitty albums.” 

Oh, Enrique.  Must be pretty exciting to have a mole more famous than you.  And that picture has so many hands all over it’s like a Thai Whorehouse or someone playing ‘Hands Down!’.

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#108- Fran Drescher

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “How in God’s name did she get famous?” 

Jim, does that outfit not say enough?  And how timely with her recent L&O appearance! 

And how about that C.C., I tell you, always trying to get with Mr. Sheffield.  What a hussy, AM I RIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?

#107- Frescobaldi

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “More like F***obaldi.  Harpsichord blows.” 

You probably don’t know.  But if you do, you so do.  The man whose music sounds like a kid trying to hit every note as fast and as often as possible.  On a harpsichord.  Someday I’ll tell you a special Harpsichord story, but this is neither the time nor the place.  Remind me, though.

#106- Gennifer Flowers

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “I think the rest of the world would respect us more if our president banged hotter bitches…”

Poignant photo, too, Gennifer.  With a G.  Seriously?  Seriously…

#105- Keith Brion

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Of all the people to impersonate, you pick Sousa?  F*ing Sousa?” 

Sousa was already mentioned here.  But for impersonating an F, that apparently heightens your F-dom. 

KB also had some really special band rehearsal techniques when he worked with us, my favourite being unbridled encouragement.  “Clarinets, I’m giving up on you, but don’t you give up on you.”

#104- Oksana Baiul

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “There should be a law against ugly chick figure skaters.”

And stealing medals away from wounded Nancy Kerrigans!  Ukrainian bitch!

Not that I ever watch figure skating.  Because I don’t.  I so don’t. 

Really.

—next time into the top 100 people!  You’re biting your nails, aren’t you?  I can tell. 

Published in: on 16 November 2006 at 9*40 pm  Comments (1)  

What IS the deal with Wendy’s?

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Quiz time, boys and girls.  Get out your #2 pencils, we’re going for a ride.

#1)When taking a drive-thru order, it is appropriate to:

a) encourage the customer to “Have a nice day”, with the option of throwing in other nice words like “Blessed” or “Charming”

b) gently ask the customer if they are interested in trying your new Vanilly Frosty that is oh-so-ever-tempting-and-delectable

c) garble into that stupid microphone you have, make the customer repeat their simple order 42 times, and then wait for frieking-EVER because you’re a huge bitch and dammit, you’ve got more important shit to do at your job at Wendy’s than type the damn food into the register, HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO SERVE YOU, I’VE GOT PUH-ROB-LEMS!!!!!

#2) When taking money from the customer it is appropriate to:

a) gently outstrech a caring hand, gingerly taking the bills and coins from the hard-working, tax-paying customer

b) thank the civilian for his/her money and his/her contributions to this changing society during trying times

c) stick your grubby-ass nappy hand in the customer’s window and just stare at them like they should be happy to have earned the right to be at this here Wendy’s because BITCH THIS SHIT IS GOOD AND YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY WE EVEN TALKED TO YOUR SORRY ASS THROUGH THAT GRATE ON OUR MENU, BITCH!!!!

#3) When putting together the order, you should:

a) separate hot and cold contents into separate bags, providing ample napkins and straws to assure cleanly eating by each consumer in the true spirit of Dave Thomas Image Preview.

b) be EXTRA-careful to make sure everything has been prepared with care and a smile, and then fastidiously release your creation to its eager destination

c) practically throw the damn shit out the window after you haphazardly managed to put the salads into the bag that for some reason were bathing in a tub of apparently arctic water, forgetting the croutons, most likely on purpose, because, shit, not your problem, and besides, that’s dollar menu stuff, and you ain’t EVEN about to strain yourself for anything less than a Value Meal, beeeyotch.

#4) A customer ordering a Medium Vanilla Frosty with M & M’s would really like:

a) a delicious ice cream treat with a bonus candy crunch!

b) a frieking Medium Vanilla Frosty with M & M’s dammit

c) a half-melted small Vanilla Frosty with no damn M & M’s and a bag of crushed up Butterfinger shit in the watery bag with your salads and missing croutons implying that you should “fix and mix” your own damn treat, whores. 

Sure hope you all passed!  I’m sure not all Wendy’s are that bad, just the ones that see my sorry ass coming.  Politicians should think about this when they’re busy “creating jobs.”  Certain people were meant to not have jobs, dammit. 

No group of people is made more crappy and awful and inhuman than when they’re in a Wendy’s.  And I’ve been to a Bananarama concert*. 

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Yeesh. 

*I’ve never been to a Bananarama concert.  How old do you think I am?

P.s. I worked at McDonald’s in High School, so yeah, bitch, I know how hard it is.  Not hard.  Get over it.

Published in: on 13 November 2006 at 8*52 pm  Comments (6)  

Ass, ass, and more ass.

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Screw you, Michael X. of 99ish S. Something street, Chicago, IL!  Screw you and your damn note leaving!  If I want to legally park my legally registered car on a PUBLIC street, then that’s my damn right, asshole.  That’s why I pay taxes.  You don’t OWN the street, just because you’re a firefighter who gave money to Dan Hynes for Democratic Comptroller. (info grace a Google) Screw you in your uptight ass.  AND, the next time you think it’s an ‘inconvenience’ to have a car in ‘your’ spot on the street (MIND YOU, WHEN YOU HAVE A LONG DRIVEWAY AND 2 CAR GARAGE RIGHT THERE, D-BAG), think about what an inconvenience it would be to have the cop that you complained to show up at someone’s house at 9 in the morning to tell your wife who is home alone with the baby and thought that you had been killed in some gruesome crash and here he was with the bad news, but no, that there has been a complaint that, and quote “your legally registered car is legally parked” somewhere, and can you move it when you get a chance?  Think about that asshole!  By the way, my friend, everytime I drive ANYWHERE near your house, I plan on parking in “my new spot.”  Take it.

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sorry to you non-chicago people….just skip to the next one…WHOA, Peraica/Stroger, let’s take it a little easy here.  Let’s all just calm down and see if we can’t make it look like voting actually works.  Come one now, maybe a little patience from everyone would be fine.  But, you know what would be even finer?—If Todd Stroger, that little piece of shit would just frieking leave or something.   I don’t know if your little cronies are out searching around the public domain anymore, now that you’ve thrown the election, d-bag, but I want you to hear this.  You don’t deserve the office.  You will most likely screw everything up.  I’m not convinced that you even know what you’re running for based on the stuff you attacked Peraica for.  Do you realize that as Cook County Board President that you have very little to do with abortion?  Do you?  What?  I can’t hear through your stupid lisp.  P.S.—watch it Obama…I was starting to like you until you endorsed this ass.

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Britney!  Nice Job!  Just when I thought maybe you two weirdos had something going!  And just in time with the two infants, too.  Nicely done.  I’m sure those kids will grow up completely well adjusted and not in need of any sort of counseling.  Or parole.  Hey, BS?  Can you please re-release E-Mail My Heart?  I miss that song….

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Hey, Bitch at 99th street Metra Station…Why would my wife need to explain her whole process to you if she needed her ticket stamped female?  She needed it to say male because she was, wait for it, buying it for someone else.  Surprise!  Why would she tell you all this stuff if she just needed it stamped “female”?  She is a female.  BUT, if you DID screw it up like you did so much, you Lexus-driving-i-got-this-job-because-someone-owed-someone-a-favour ass, don’t accuse her of screwing it up.  Last time I checked, SHE was the customer, and YOU were the ho.

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Way to go, George.  You pissed everyone off so much that the house and senate are completely Democratic.  Great.  Now I have to effing deal with hearing about Nancy Pelosi.  Yuck.  Then again, like Hastert was any better.  Tough to choose between nasty bitches and pedophiles, huh?

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I need a Pina Colada.  Stat.  Only, without the coconut stuff.  And instead of Rum, Gin.  And some ice.  And more gin. 

Published in: on 8 November 2006 at 8*47 pm  Comments (12)