Holiday Commercial Break

Happy Holidays Everyone!

I’ve been super-busy with grading final exams/school wrapping up/friends in from out of town/family/mail-order-bride-pyramid-scandal/singing-that-one-damned-infectious-dixie-chicks-song/asthma (?) to do to much posting, and for that, I apologize.  In the meantime, enjoy your holiday, whichever it is you go for, as long as you love Jesus. 

I leave you with something funny and thematic from The Onion:

Statshot Corporate Gifts R

Merry Christmas Bitches.  See you next year.

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Published in: on 22 December 2006 at 7*06 pm  Comments (2)  

#’s 103-93

Sorry, DyckCarla, Bostick, et. al., but Don Henley and his questioned sexual identity are not mentioned in this post at all.  Dammit.  (pssstt…he, as an individual, sucks.  hard.  or so I’ve heard.) 

Here’s a list of others like what you’re about to see, go visit Jim, the Prologue explains it, blah blah de efffing dah, boring boring boring…..

#103- People Who Clothe Pets

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “It’s not cute, it’s ri-effing-diculous.”

Beyotch, puuuhllleeeeeeeezzzzzeeee, do not honestly put your dog in a sweater.  Not unless you think it’s funny and you’re doing it to show that damn dog who’s the real man of this house, dammit.  Knock that canine down a few levels.  Be a man.  Then take funny pictures.  But don’t actually dress your animal because he ‘needs’ it.  He doesn’t.  Except for weasels.  Ms. Schrier taught is in 6th grade that they should always stay wrapped, though I never really got it.

#102- Henry Purcell

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “You might as well call yourself Frescobaldi!”

Arrrgh.  Lucky for this guy he was old.  If someone came up to you now and was all “listen to this hornpipe; it’s somewhat contrapuntal and totally interesting”, I think you’d retch.  Apparently, in 1500 people had no taste.  They were too busy powdering their hairs and banging their cousins.  Come to think of it, maybe those people were just paying forward an homage to modern day West Virginny.

#101- Rosie O’Donnell

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Please go back in the closet.  And hang yourself.”

How are those koosh balls now, Rosie?  And what’s with attacking Kelly RipaHow dare she question Clay Aiken’s sexuality you ask?  Easy.  It’s easy.  He’s a fruit.  Like Don Henley.  (Dammit!  I lied.)  Don’t blame Kelly Ripa for the flittiness of your compratiots, O’Donnell.  You’re getting close to hurting Regis, and ain’t no one hurtin my Regis, bitches.

#100- Roy

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Of ‘Siegfried &’.  Somehow beat out Siegfried.  Congrats.”

Seriously, Siegried is number 162.  I don’t know if it was a clear Roy weakness that caused that big gay tiger (look at him) to snap or what, but whatever it was, knocked this fruit slice up 62 notches.  This trio is clearly the gayest thing to hit Las Vegas since Celine Dion.  Or Cirque Du Soleil.  (note that I am resisting yet another Don Henley joke at this very moment)

#99- The Spellings

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Aaron, Tori, the whole lot of ’em.”

Usually, the comments we made back in 2004 when repeated here look very future-reading-y.  However, it is clear that this one kind of missed the boat.  What with the old guy dying and all. However, I maintain that, as a clan, that they are no good.  Seriously–what have they given us?  Besides the clap I mean…

Oh, and remember Randy Spelling? Go to fullsize imageWhat a bastard.

#98- Andy Dick

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “The name says it all.”

I’ll assume Jim meant only the second name. 

However, I don’t know if you’ve heard of the other AD’s (his) recent issues with the whole ‘n word’ and Michael Richards situation, but Andy Dick went on stage at the laugh factory and told the audience he was going to use the n word in his bit.  He went the whole half hour without doing it, left the stage, and then came running back on stage and shouted it, and then left again.  I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious.  What the hell is wrong with you that you can’t see the humour in that?  It was obviously not meant to be serious, right?  Get over it, Oprah. 

#97- Johann Sebastian Bach

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Horny baroque F.”

Okay, going to a Lutheran college and being in the music school, you had no choice but to have Bach shoved down your throats.  (insert your own joke about him having 23 children here)  I got so FRIEKING sick of him that I now hate him.  He’s a musical genious and I hate him.  Damned Germans.  Not since Conrad Schnitzler have the Germans let me down this much. 

#96- Carnie Wilson

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Which is worse, being the face of Erectile Dysfunction (ahem, Bob Dole), or stomach stapling?  I’m voting Carnie “Fat F” Wilson.”

Yipes.  Did you see her on Celebrity Fat Club?  I just can’t imagine what would cause Carnie to have such deep-seeded issues in her life….…..Nope…got nothing.

We live in Chicago, okay?  So we have lots of Hot Dog/Italian Beef places nearby…My favourite name is Carmie’s Italian Beef which my wife and I have taken to call “Carnie’s House of Meat” in honor of #96 up there.  I can’t drive past it with out singing “Release Me.” (speaking of gay music…..)

#95- Fidel Castro

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “see: Mao Tse-Tung.”

Does his existence really effect you in any way?  Whatever. I would only be pissed at Mr. C. if Desi Arnaz would just tell me to, but he doesn’t seem to be taking a stand these days…

#94- Front of Busers

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Effing losers.”

Besides Rosa Parks, who the hell likes the front?  Everyone knows that the back of the bus is where the cool kids sit, especially when two people are so cool that they try to cram their joint asses onto that little half-seat on the right side.  Those are your cool kids.  Besides, where would little 3rd grade me have learned from Joey Fink that sex was when a guy put his thing in the girl’s urine?  See, i learned everything back then.

When I think of that story and how it no shit really happened, I really REALLY wonder whatever happened to Joey Fink.  Hmmm.

#93- Judas

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “The original Benedict Arnold.”

Asshole.

So, Boys of Summer, we’ll see you again next time.  Hope you had fun.

Published in: on 13 December 2006 at 8*41 pm  Comments (6)  

On Britney Spears

Now, to me, BS has always been an easy target.  She is easily snarked upon.  I didn’t really want to be one of those people jumping on the bandwagon.

However, with Britney’s approval ratings (like anyone measures that shit, can you imagine pollsters checking on that?) skyrocketing, now seems to be the perfect time to knock the ho down a level!  Although her naughty bits seem to making quite the paparazzi buzz these days, it is clear that Britney gets her true talent from her heart.  Her exposed bathing-suit-area is just the ornaments.  I will begin by harking back to an early Britney submission, the popular tune, “Soda Pop.”  And I quote:

“We have a plan, we have a definite plan
To level the vibes (vibes)
To level vibes agian (ooh-yeah)
See Where ya ba-do for a superlative self, oh yeah
A wicked time to the end, oh yaeh, so
Mm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (ooh)
The clock is tickin and we can’t stop (can’t stop)
So much pop we’re losing, sittin watchin the clock
So turn the tables baby, let’s go over top (take it to the top now)
No one else will do
I’m waiting for you
So me what’cha got, just take a pop shot
And we will never stop shu-bop, shu-bop yeah, mm-hmm”

mm-hmmm.  I’m glad someone’s taking an interest in leveling out those damned vibes.  Someone’s gotta do it, am I right LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?  And as much as I luv (when talking about Britney, might as well talk LIKE Britney…) spelling mistakes on lyrics websites, I’d really like to applaud BS for including the word superlative.  Watch out Mensa, HERE WE COME!

When I read it a second time, it REALLY sounds like an Alka-Seltzer commercial.

But Britney wasn’t always this promiscuous.  No, no!  Back in the day Britney was a sweet little schoolgirl, morphing her way into woman hood.  Go to fullsize imageMuch like a pupa.  Yes, a pop star, pupa of a woman.  (or larvae, you pick.)  See: “Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”.  And I Quote:

“I used to think I had the answers to everything
But now I know
That life doesn’t always go my way
Feels like I’m caught in the middle
That’s when I realize
I’m not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I’m in between
I’m not a girl”

I am pretty sure that if only this song came out earlier that it would’ve been used in The Crying Game.  Right?  If it’s not already, this could DEFINITELY be an anthem for the transgendered community.  Move over, “I Will Survive”, BS in the house. 

But, as time progressed, Britney became more woman-like.  And by woman-like, we mean, a whore.  A trampy whore.  No more “E-mail My Heart” Britney.  (seriously)  Now we’ve got, “Early Mornin'”.  And I Quote:

“I was shaking my ass in the streets this morning
Just walked in and it’s early morning
Bump bump till the break of dawning
It don’t stop till the early morning
Passed out on the couch I’m yawning
Just walked in and it’s early morning
Bump bump till the break of dawning
It don’t stop till the early morning
Oh, in love
So I approached him
We gotta give him his friends
There’s something ‘bout him that show
So I said, what the hell
Let’s go
Got up, got on the dance floor
Hooked up with a guy named Joe
When the music was fast and slow
But have a next guess
But you don’t wanna know”

Not only is she shaking her ass in the streets, but, it was until the ‘break of dawning’!  That’s my favourite time.  Dawning.  I love misused gerunds as much as the next guy, but please, BS, you’re nouning it? 

Also, I REALLY love how she hooked up with a guy named Joe.  That’s a lot of information there.  It’s great when proper nouns can be added to songs solely for the purpose of making easy rhymes.  Like when Michelle Bratoscewicz wrote a poem in Ms. Doele’s 9th grade English Class about a man named Kindow.  I loved that poem.  A tragic ending though.  Tragic. 

But, alack.  Thine time hath cometh for thee famed parenthetical rancor!  (I don’t know where the hell that came from.  It sure makes me think of Mediaeval Times though.  ‘Wouldst thou careth for more mediaeval Pepsi?!?’)  Enjoy, bitches.  From the anti-germophobe anthem, “Breathe On Me.”  And I regretfully Quote:

Ohh, it’s so hot, and I need some air. [It’s my asthma.  It flares up when I get my SKANK OHNN!]
Oh boy, don’t stop ‘cuz I’m halfway there. [ummm…][“cuz”–i love it.]
It’s not complicated, it’s just syncopated, [Okay, now to this, I take offense.  Complicated and syncopated are not opposites.  They’re not even related.  Syncopated is usually a music term, and I don’t want to get weird on you, but syncopation IS usually complicated.  And what in Joseph’s name is IT?  I get that IT may not be complicated, but that same IT is most CERTAINLY not syncopated][bitch]
We can read each other’s minds. [like Miss Cleo!]
One love united, two bodies synchronizing, [Love?  Seriously?  In what LOVE-erly relationship is their syncopated synchronizing I ask thee.][can’st stoppeth]
Don’t even need to touch me, [how’s that gonna work?]

Baby, just…Breathe on me.  [Ohhh.  Right, of course.  I’m not sure if this is supposed to be erotic or some sort of strange solution to her aforementioned ass-mar situation.]
Baby just, breathe on me.
We don’t need to touch, just breathe…
[Fine, enough, we get it…breathing, no touching…fine…just like a 900 number.  Let’s move it a-LONG, bs.]
Ohh, this is way beyond the physical (it’s a way beyond the physical). [Oh, and just so you know…it’s way beyond the physical.][Is it really?  Is it SO way beyond the physical that it’s “a way beyond the physical”? Then what is it, if not physical, i ask. ]
Tonight, my senses don’t make sense at all.  [oh, you clever little bitch.  get it?  senses, sense..I love homonyms.  or Homophones or synomyns or whatever the hell they are.][I was going to change it, but look at that last one, “synomyns”.  Say it out loud once.  Hungry, aren’t you?]
Our imagination, takin’ us to places, [just like Mark Kistler would’ve wanted!]
We have never been before.
Take me in, let it out,
[I don’t like where this is going….]
Don’t even need to touch me, [Dammit, BS.  again!  Enough repeating!]
Baby, just… [I skipped the chorus repeat because I’ve had enough damn breathing all-effing ready.]
Monogamy is the way to go,
Just put your lips together… and blow.
[what can really be said here?  really.  I don’t know if a whistle joke is appropriate, or what.  I just know that those two lines are something truly special.  Shit like that’s platinum, baby.]

So, I hope you had fun.  Sorry it’s been so long.  If you read around, you’ll notice that Grad School can really suck the life out of people.  So as you go along your day, please remember some important advice:

Monogamy IS the way to go.  Thank you, BS.  Thank you.

 

Published in: on 7 December 2006 at 9*13 pm  Comments (2)