On Britney Spears

Now, to me, BS has always been an easy target.  She is easily snarked upon.  I didn’t really want to be one of those people jumping on the bandwagon.

However, with Britney’s approval ratings (like anyone measures that shit, can you imagine pollsters checking on that?) skyrocketing, now seems to be the perfect time to knock the ho down a level!  Although her naughty bits seem to making quite the paparazzi buzz these days, it is clear that Britney gets her true talent from her heart.  Her exposed bathing-suit-area is just the ornaments.  I will begin by harking back to an early Britney submission, the popular tune, “Soda Pop.”  And I quote:

“We have a plan, we have a definite plan
To level the vibes (vibes)
To level vibes agian (ooh-yeah)
See Where ya ba-do for a superlative self, oh yeah
A wicked time to the end, oh yaeh, so
Mm-hmm soda pop, watch it fizz and pop (ooh)
The clock is tickin and we can’t stop (can’t stop)
So much pop we’re losing, sittin watchin the clock
So turn the tables baby, let’s go over top (take it to the top now)
No one else will do
I’m waiting for you
So me what’cha got, just take a pop shot
And we will never stop shu-bop, shu-bop yeah, mm-hmm”

mm-hmmm.  I’m glad someone’s taking an interest in leveling out those damned vibes.  Someone’s gotta do it, am I right LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?  And as much as I luv (when talking about Britney, might as well talk LIKE Britney…) spelling mistakes on lyrics websites, I’d really like to applaud BS for including the word superlative.  Watch out Mensa, HERE WE COME!

When I read it a second time, it REALLY sounds like an Alka-Seltzer commercial.

But Britney wasn’t always this promiscuous.  No, no!  Back in the day Britney was a sweet little schoolgirl, morphing her way into woman hood.  Go to fullsize imageMuch like a pupa.  Yes, a pop star, pupa of a woman.  (or larvae, you pick.)  See: “Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”.  And I Quote:

“I used to think I had the answers to everything
But now I know
That life doesn’t always go my way
Feels like I’m caught in the middle
That’s when I realize
I’m not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time, a moment that is mine
While I’m in between
I’m not a girl”

I am pretty sure that if only this song came out earlier that it would’ve been used in The Crying Game.  Right?  If it’s not already, this could DEFINITELY be an anthem for the transgendered community.  Move over, “I Will Survive”, BS in the house. 

But, as time progressed, Britney became more woman-like.  And by woman-like, we mean, a whore.  A trampy whore.  No more “E-mail My Heart” Britney.  (seriously)  Now we’ve got, “Early Mornin'”.  And I Quote:

“I was shaking my ass in the streets this morning
Just walked in and it’s early morning
Bump bump till the break of dawning
It don’t stop till the early morning
Passed out on the couch I’m yawning
Just walked in and it’s early morning
Bump bump till the break of dawning
It don’t stop till the early morning
Oh, in love
So I approached him
We gotta give him his friends
There’s something ‘bout him that show
So I said, what the hell
Let’s go
Got up, got on the dance floor
Hooked up with a guy named Joe
When the music was fast and slow
But have a next guess
But you don’t wanna know”

Not only is she shaking her ass in the streets, but, it was until the ‘break of dawning’!  That’s my favourite time.  Dawning.  I love misused gerunds as much as the next guy, but please, BS, you’re nouning it? 

Also, I REALLY love how she hooked up with a guy named Joe.  That’s a lot of information there.  It’s great when proper nouns can be added to songs solely for the purpose of making easy rhymes.  Like when Michelle Bratoscewicz wrote a poem in Ms. Doele’s 9th grade English Class about a man named Kindow.  I loved that poem.  A tragic ending though.  Tragic. 

But, alack.  Thine time hath cometh for thee famed parenthetical rancor!  (I don’t know where the hell that came from.  It sure makes me think of Mediaeval Times though.  ‘Wouldst thou careth for more mediaeval Pepsi?!?’)  Enjoy, bitches.  From the anti-germophobe anthem, “Breathe On Me.”  And I regretfully Quote:

Ohh, it’s so hot, and I need some air. [It’s my asthma.  It flares up when I get my SKANK OHNN!]
Oh boy, don’t stop ‘cuz I’m halfway there. [ummm…][“cuz”–i love it.]
It’s not complicated, it’s just syncopated, [Okay, now to this, I take offense.  Complicated and syncopated are not opposites.  They’re not even related.  Syncopated is usually a music term, and I don’t want to get weird on you, but syncopation IS usually complicated.  And what in Joseph’s name is IT?  I get that IT may not be complicated, but that same IT is most CERTAINLY not syncopated][bitch]
We can read each other’s minds. [like Miss Cleo!]
One love united, two bodies synchronizing, [Love?  Seriously?  In what LOVE-erly relationship is their syncopated synchronizing I ask thee.][can’st stoppeth]
Don’t even need to touch me, [how’s that gonna work?]

Baby, just…Breathe on me.  [Ohhh.  Right, of course.  I’m not sure if this is supposed to be erotic or some sort of strange solution to her aforementioned ass-mar situation.]
Baby just, breathe on me.
We don’t need to touch, just breathe…
[Fine, enough, we get it…breathing, no touching…fine…just like a 900 number.  Let’s move it a-LONG, bs.]
Ohh, this is way beyond the physical (it’s a way beyond the physical). [Oh, and just so you know…it’s way beyond the physical.][Is it really?  Is it SO way beyond the physical that it’s “a way beyond the physical”? Then what is it, if not physical, i ask. ]
Tonight, my senses don’t make sense at all.  [oh, you clever little bitch.  get it?  senses, sense..I love homonyms.  or Homophones or synomyns or whatever the hell they are.][I was going to change it, but look at that last one, “synomyns”.  Say it out loud once.  Hungry, aren’t you?]
Our imagination, takin’ us to places, [just like Mark Kistler would’ve wanted!]
We have never been before.
Take me in, let it out,
[I don’t like where this is going….]
Don’t even need to touch me, [Dammit, BS.  again!  Enough repeating!]
Baby, just… [I skipped the chorus repeat because I’ve had enough damn breathing all-effing ready.]
Monogamy is the way to go,
Just put your lips together… and blow.
[what can really be said here?  really.  I don’t know if a whistle joke is appropriate, or what.  I just know that those two lines are something truly special.  Shit like that’s platinum, baby.]

So, I hope you had fun.  Sorry it’s been so long.  If you read around, you’ll notice that Grad School can really suck the life out of people.  So as you go along your day, please remember some important advice:

Monogamy IS the way to go.  Thank you, BS.  Thank you.


Published in: on 7 December 2006 at 9*13 pm  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I am going to have that “Breathe on Me” song stuck in my head all day now, thank you very much. Also, why is she hooking up with a guy named Joe when monogamy is the way to go? That’s what I want to know!

    (Gaaaah! Make the rhyming stop!)

  2. I think it’s only a matter of time before Britney runs over a photographer and kills ’em. What happened to that sweet old Britney we used to know and love?

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