#’s 103-93

Sorry, DyckCarla, Bostick, et. al., but Don Henley and his questioned sexual identity are not mentioned in this post at all.  Dammit.  (pssstt…he, as an individual, sucks.  hard.  or so I’ve heard.) 

Here’s a list of others like what you’re about to see, go visit Jim, the Prologue explains it, blah blah de efffing dah, boring boring boring…..

#103- People Who Clothe Pets

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “It’s not cute, it’s ri-effing-diculous.”

Beyotch, puuuhllleeeeeeeezzzzzeeee, do not honestly put your dog in a sweater.  Not unless you think it’s funny and you’re doing it to show that damn dog who’s the real man of this house, dammit.  Knock that canine down a few levels.  Be a man.  Then take funny pictures.  But don’t actually dress your animal because he ‘needs’ it.  He doesn’t.  Except for weasels.  Ms. Schrier taught is in 6th grade that they should always stay wrapped, though I never really got it.

#102- Henry Purcell

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “You might as well call yourself Frescobaldi!”

Arrrgh.  Lucky for this guy he was old.  If someone came up to you now and was all “listen to this hornpipe; it’s somewhat contrapuntal and totally interesting”, I think you’d retch.  Apparently, in 1500 people had no taste.  They were too busy powdering their hairs and banging their cousins.  Come to think of it, maybe those people were just paying forward an homage to modern day West Virginny.

#101- Rosie O’Donnell

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Please go back in the closet.  And hang yourself.”

How are those koosh balls now, Rosie?  And what’s with attacking Kelly RipaHow dare she question Clay Aiken’s sexuality you ask?  Easy.  It’s easy.  He’s a fruit.  Like Don Henley.  (Dammit!  I lied.)  Don’t blame Kelly Ripa for the flittiness of your compratiots, O’Donnell.  You’re getting close to hurting Regis, and ain’t no one hurtin my Regis, bitches.

#100- Roy

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Of ‘Siegfried &’.  Somehow beat out Siegfried.  Congrats.”

Seriously, Siegried is number 162.  I don’t know if it was a clear Roy weakness that caused that big gay tiger (look at him) to snap or what, but whatever it was, knocked this fruit slice up 62 notches.  This trio is clearly the gayest thing to hit Las Vegas since Celine Dion.  Or Cirque Du Soleil.  (note that I am resisting yet another Don Henley joke at this very moment)

#99- The Spellings

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Aaron, Tori, the whole lot of ’em.”

Usually, the comments we made back in 2004 when repeated here look very future-reading-y.  However, it is clear that this one kind of missed the boat.  What with the old guy dying and all. However, I maintain that, as a clan, that they are no good.  Seriously–what have they given us?  Besides the clap I mean…

Oh, and remember Randy Spelling? Go to fullsize imageWhat a bastard.

#98- Andy Dick

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “The name says it all.”

I’ll assume Jim meant only the second name. 

However, I don’t know if you’ve heard of the other AD’s (his) recent issues with the whole ‘n word’ and Michael Richards situation, but Andy Dick went on stage at the laugh factory and told the audience he was going to use the n word in his bit.  He went the whole half hour without doing it, left the stage, and then came running back on stage and shouted it, and then left again.  I’m sorry, but that’s hilarious.  What the hell is wrong with you that you can’t see the humour in that?  It was obviously not meant to be serious, right?  Get over it, Oprah. 

#97- Johann Sebastian Bach

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Horny baroque F.”

Okay, going to a Lutheran college and being in the music school, you had no choice but to have Bach shoved down your throats.  (insert your own joke about him having 23 children here)  I got so FRIEKING sick of him that I now hate him.  He’s a musical genious and I hate him.  Damned Germans.  Not since Conrad Schnitzler have the Germans let me down this much. 

#96- Carnie Wilson

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Which is worse, being the face of Erectile Dysfunction (ahem, Bob Dole), or stomach stapling?  I’m voting Carnie “Fat F” Wilson.”

Yipes.  Did you see her on Celebrity Fat Club?  I just can’t imagine what would cause Carnie to have such deep-seeded issues in her life….…..Nope…got nothing.

We live in Chicago, okay?  So we have lots of Hot Dog/Italian Beef places nearby…My favourite name is Carmie’s Italian Beef which my wife and I have taken to call “Carnie’s House of Meat” in honor of #96 up there.  I can’t drive past it with out singing “Release Me.” (speaking of gay music…..)

#95- Fidel Castro

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “see: Mao Tse-Tung.”

Does his existence really effect you in any way?  Whatever. I would only be pissed at Mr. C. if Desi Arnaz would just tell me to, but he doesn’t seem to be taking a stand these days…

#94- Front of Busers

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “Effing losers.”

Besides Rosa Parks, who the hell likes the front?  Everyone knows that the back of the bus is where the cool kids sit, especially when two people are so cool that they try to cram their joint asses onto that little half-seat on the right side.  Those are your cool kids.  Besides, where would little 3rd grade me have learned from Joey Fink that sex was when a guy put his thing in the girl’s urine?  See, i learned everything back then.

When I think of that story and how it no shit really happened, I really REALLY wonder whatever happened to Joey Fink.  Hmmm.

#93- Judas

Go to fullsize imageJim says, “The original Benedict Arnold.”


So, Boys of Summer, we’ll see you again next time.  Hope you had fun.

Published in: on 13 December 2006 at 8*41 pm  Comments (6)  

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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Poor Bach. Always with the hatin’.

    The other thing I hate about the front of the bus people is on the CTA when they won’t move to the back to let other people on. THERE IS A DOOR IN THE BACK! Someone will let you off, I swear!!! I am so glad I don’t ride a bus anymore.

  2. Thanks to you, I will now have Wilson Phillips’ greatest hits playing in my head all day.

    Also, I would totally go visit Jim once in a while, if the bitch would, you know, post something once in a while. I’m just sayin’.

  3. Burnnnnnn. New post today. Boo-ya! Also, what’s wrong with Don Henley?

  4. Nothing, Jim. NOTHING is wrong with Don Henley. Andy’s just projecting because he thinks you get girls pregnant by sticking your wang in their urine. Don’t mind him.

    Love you, Andy! Mwwwwwwah!

  5. AHA! I see from the comments that the Don Henley backlash has begun! Rise up, Henley fans, and let your voices be heard!!! Eat your dirty laundry, Andy. Eat it up!!

  6. Correction: Don Henley IS mentioned in this post. Liar.

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