What IS the deal with Al Gore and his LIES?!?

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Excuse me, Al?  You want me to be concerned about Global Warming?  Sorry, Fatty O’Boresalot, I don’t buy it.

As I drove to school this morning feverishly avoiding– pedestrian hobos, a radio frequency that wasn’t talking about some game last nite because I am so NOT in the mood right now, and the Ashburn something-or-other church and it’s bitter messages (see footnote), I noticed that the thermometer in mi coche read -9.  That’s Fahrenheit, bitches.  Just because I say mobile and prO-cess doesn’t mean I use your stupid-ass Metric system.  Dumbass.  I bet you like soccer too.  Fruit. 

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-9? That’s before the windchill, which, my homeslice and fellow VU alumni Ginger Zee tells me makes it about -9,000.  (-35)  Well, Al, if those polar bears are worried about melting glaciers and an o-zone layer as present as socialite undergarments, send those suckas down here.  We’ve got cold to share.   It is colder than Peter Boyle out there.  I’m just saying to all of you out there who like to complain about the environment, global warming, blah blah blah Ralph Nader would’ve been so much better blah blah blah: Come visit Chicago for a while.  Go to Canada once or twice.  Go visit Grand Rapids, MI (but not the Kentwood part.  Eww.) and ask them about global warning.  Wait, you can’t; they’re buried under 14 feet of lake effect snow. 

Blah blah blah polar ice caps….if global warming means I can be sipping Pina Coladas in my back yard in March, then I say, make like Kirsten Dunst and bring that shit on. 

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—Everyday I drive past this church with one of those signs out front that says something clever to try and increase attendance.  Well one day, I noticed that the usual flare-ful sign seemed to be missing something.  The Pastor’s name was gone.  I figured he must have moved on or died or something.  The next day, the sermon title for the following Sunday was in big plastic letters: “Should a Pastor ever quit?”.  I guess those Baptist’s get right to the point.  What I wouldn’t have given for a cell phone that takes photographs.  Sorry.  My car phone doesn’t take pictures. 

OOHHHH!  I forgot to mention something.  Whoever it was that told me that Lily Allen and her music were worth two shits owes me something.  I watched Saturday Nite Live (whose cast includes Dr. Pat, aka Kristen Wiig, who is hilarious, p.s.) Saturday just to see this little ho suck up the stage.  She is an awful singer and her music is retchid and boring and trite.  I give her a “BARF!” and a “ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN FEDERLINE.”

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Published in: on 5 February 2007 at 8*34 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. And by “quit” the church sign means “embezzle money from the church and run off with the church president’s wife”. Well, it does down here at least.

    And I’m deeply sorry for your loss. And your windchill. And the fact that you have school anyway, even though all of the Detroit schools are closed today.

  2. And now, I’m afraid, I have to throwdown. Yeah, it’s cold outside. You should try it out in the sticks where you get real wind chill and double digit negatives. Damn sissy-ass city folk… That being said, that really doesn’t have two shits to do with global warming. GLOBAL warming, not the local warming or cooling of your own ass. And if it were actually summery here in March on a regular basis, that would be totally fucked up. I know you’re hyperbolizing and what not, but I’m a little up in arms about this issue at the moment. I’m all for snide commentary, but seriously, would you like to take a shot at the Rwandan genocides, the AIDS crisis and the Jews while we’re at it? (We all see the subtext there you dutch-aryan bastard. ;)
    Also, no one hated Al Gore more than I did back in the day. He was pretty lame and a ripe target for jokes and such (one of my all-time favorite SNL bits is the Lockbox/Strategery debate between Hammond’s Gore and Ferrell’s Bush…ha, Ferrell’s Bush…). However, watching his movie (which you and everyone else should) really turned me around. If he’d shown any of the humor, legitimate intelligence or humanity that I saw in the movie when he was running for president, I probably would have voted for him.
    At any rate, that was really lame and preachy on my part, and I appreciate much of the humour in your post, but bottom line, you’re not helping…douchebag. Let’s save our hate for those who really deserve it…like celebrities, the deceased and weird kids we went to school with.
    P.S. your new layout blows because I can’t see my little flashy bar in the comments screen.

  3. Jim, just what I was hoping for. I’m leaving this here instead of simply e-mailing you because I’m trying to get what the heck you’re talking about with this ‘little flashy bar’ and I’m just not seeing it.

    On a side note, I was really hoping you would say something about how Lily Allen does suck and you’re surprised that I, such a chick music lover, would be so anti. I was looking for validation and what I got was that?

    p.s. I don’t really hate Al Gore per se. What I do hate is the o-zone, eskimos, glaciers, and polar bears. Clearly.

  4. By little flashy bar, I obviously meant cursor. Duh. And I haven’t yet watched last week’s SNL or listened to much radio lately, so I cannot yet weigh in on Lily Allen’s alleged suckitude. On that note though, you’d love Regina Spektor. And I don’t mean that as in, YOU’D love her, but as in she’s legitimately awesome and right up your alley.


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