#’s 81-71

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, the temperature is back up into the almost-not-negatives, the snow has temporarily stopped falling, and my eczema is clearing up with a vengeance. 

As I feel that my rise to fame is certainly imminent without needing any extra signs, I was pleased to see some omens leading me toward success.  My college roommate won on jeopardy! (you could share you know…), someone I sorta knew some at college was on American Idol for not going out the right door, and Steph from college is famous across the internet for doing the “thriller” at some wedding.  Oh!  And that trend I started last year of wearing adult diapers on long car trips seems to be catching on.  (okay, that wasn’t so much as a trend, as it was doctor’s orders, but still, I’m encouraged.)

So, it’s perfect time to hate on some nearly (in some cases) innocent people/things!

#81- Miss Teen USA

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Jim says, “So hot, so probably not legal.”

Sounds like someone wanted in on some scandal?  Do I smell rehab, anyone?

#80- Roger Ebert

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Jim says, “Roger Ebert, Cecil Fielder, Carnie Wilson, and Taft should have a pie-eating contest to determine the f-iest fat F on the list.”

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Now this is a contest I could get into, Jim.  Can you imagine?  A Celebrity Fat-off?  Especially when deceased historical figures are included.  It doesn’t get better than that.

I’m putting my money on Ebert.  Anyone who ‘Vogues’ like that could take town a strawberry-rhubarb or two. 

#79- Carnies

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Jim says, “Get a real job.  And some teeth while you’re at it.”

From the greatest cinematic masterpiece, Drop Dead Gorgeous, I bring you the following quote:

Amber (Kirsten Dunst): My Mom never hid the fact that my father chose his career over us.  What was it she always said?

Aunt Loretta (Allison Janney): Once a carnie, always a carnie.

Amber: Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.

See it, Dammit.  And then try and tell me it’s not the amazing-est.

#78- Danny Bonaducci

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Jim says, “I don’t know if I spelled his name right, and you know what?  I couldn’t care less.”

You didn’t Jim.  It’s Bonaduce.  Which is actually closer to douche.  And there you have it.

Can someone tell Danny and his little methy friend Tom Sizemore that as much as this country loves reality shows, myself DEFINITELY included, no one wants to watch them pull themselves together.  These humpty dumpties are much more entertaining left on the ground.

#77- David Arquette-Cox

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Jim says, “Could be the highest wife hotness:husband toolness ratio of all time.”

In his defense, Jim was always a Monica. 

#76- Ike Turner

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Jim says, “He made wife beating funny again.”

Best celebrity Ike since Eisenhower.  (this excludes only Ike Broflovski, although, per Al Gore, a recount is in the works.)

#75- Judge Mills Lane

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Jim says, “Are you a boxing referee? Are you a judge?  I don’t know, but you’re certainly an F.”

Doesn’t ‘Mills Lane’ sound like a line of upscale cookies?  Desperately desiring that satisfied cookie feeling?  Try our new Mills Lane Prairie Macaroon Longing and Rocky Mountain Oyster Bliss, available exclusively at your local Aldi’s…

He’s no Judge Judy, that’s for damn sure.

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#74- Regis Philbin

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Jim says, “Admit it, Kelly Ripa carries your sorry effing ass.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love Regis.  It’s just in the same way that I love Cher, Synchronized Swimming, and Dennis Kucinich.  They’re great because they’re just that awful. 

Oh, shut your ass up.  Go listen to Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves and tell me you don’t let a little out, Lisa Nowak. 

#73- Ron Jeremy

Jim says, “This man is the world’s most famous porn star?  Why?!?”

Ew.  As I mentioned earlier, I love reality shows.  Mr. Jeremy is appearing on a particularly seedy one right now entitled “Surreal Life Fame Games.”  The best part of this show, however, was he nearly became romantically (?) linked to your friend and mine, Brigitte Nielsen.  That would really round out her resume of Sylvester Stallone and Flavor Flav, no?  This woman’s been under more weirdos than tiles in a Comic Book Store.

#72- Tampa Bay

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Jim says, “You only wish you were Miami or Orlando.  Shit, you wish you were Kissimmee St. Cloud.”

I swear we were not affected in any way when we came up with this list.  I swear.  That only makes this worse, I know. 

#71- The Inventor of the Organ

Jim says, “I’ll show you an organ, you dirty F-er.”

I’m not so sure anyone really ‘invented’ the organ, per se…, but blaming this dude in that sweet-ass thimble hat seems to be the easiest way to help me feel better. 

There you are, my friends.  Some fresh rancor for you.  Have a nice day.

p.s. ‘rancor’ rhymes with ‘chancre.’  A little FYI there for you.

Published in: on 8 February 2007 at 10*24 am  Comments (2)  

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2 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Re: the diapers: It’s the Estonian Perenium twitch, idn’t it?

  2. Any time a man says “my eczema is clearing up,” it makes me so hot.

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