On Mariah Carey/the ‘bitch’ is back

UPDATE:  When i wrote the below, “Banana Smoothie” was not available.  Clearly it came back, so I’m giving you a sample.  That’s what she said. 

Okay, fine.  Seems quite recently I was reviewed by humor-blogs.com to mixed successes.  Everything is clearly anonymous, but I would like to quickly majest whoever it was that was thrilled by my varied usage of the word ‘bitch.’  You, sir or madam, are quite certainly, most definitely, a bitch.  Thank you.

Also, many people decided that my “look” wasn’t so great.  Well, y’all, it’s tough when you’re too cheap to shell out money for a real format and have to use a template available for free by WordPress, aight?  “Thirteen” by Beccary wasn’t cutting it, and, since they removed “Banana Smoothie” much to me and heather’s disappoinment, you get the whimsical and enchanting “Vermillion Christmas.”  Remember, it is for YOU, my public, that I modify myself, much like a modern-day Eva Peron or Walter Mondale.  Alors, enjoy.

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Now, what was I saying.  Mariah Carey’s “Music Box” was the first CD I owned.  Shut up, no, and I’m married.  Nevertheless, from a very young age, I noticed that although Mariah had the musical prowess of one Dame Tetrazzini, her lyrics were somewhat less than operatic.   In a desperate attempt however, to not sound like a complete moron, Mariah always found a way to throw a ‘big’ word into the music, lest you think she less than genious in any way.  Some examples you ask?  Well, I suppose.  From “Heartbreaker,” and I quote:

“Even though I should/I can’t leave you alone/Cause you’re so disarming/I’m caught up in the midst of you/And I can not resist, oh/Heartbreaker you’ve got the best of me/But I just keep coming back incessantly/Oh why did you have to run your game on me?/I should of known right from the start/You’d go and break my heart”

So in a short span we have disarming AND incessantly.  This sounds more like Scripps-Howard than booty shaking, mi amiga.  Let’s see what else we’ve got.  How about some “Always Be My Baby”?  And I Quote:

“You’ll always be a part of me/I’m part of you indefinitely/Boy, don’t you know you can’t escape me/Ooh darling, ’cause you’ll always be my baby”

oo-WEE now we’re really stepping this shit up.  Clap it out, bitch, that’s five syllables.  In-Def-I-Nite-Ly.  It’s no wonder Mariah went to the funny farm for exhaustion.  You try rememberin’ all them big words n’ stuff.  Now, as is customary, I’ve found one particular Mariah nugget that’s just too good to wait until the end.  This Veteran-Appropriate number is perfectly suited for this taint between Memorial Day and the actual holiday that is the title of this opus, “Fourth of July.”  It’s hard not to read this and really feel proud of your country.  Here goes.

It was twilight [already rollin’ with the Shakespeare again, watch out!]

On the Fourth of July [Cuatro de Julio for those not in the know][not “julio”, really? it should be]

Sparkling colors were strewn across the sky [Strewn?  STREWN? in a pop song?  Where does Clive Davis get off?!?][No, Dyckerson, I don’t really want the answer to that, Gross.]

And we sat close enough that we just barely touched [It’s safer that way.  You don’t know WHO’s got Drug-Resistant-Tuberculosis these days.]

While roman candles went soaring above us and baby [Now maybe I’m misreading this, but you’re lighting roman candles around your baby?  I know I’m a few nominations away and a few convictions too many to be considered for Father of the Year, but even I know that fireworks and infants are rarely a successful combination.][oh, and for those of you making a list, we’ve got ‘twilight’, ‘strewn’, and ‘roman candles.’]

Then you put your hand in mine and we wandered away [Wandered?  Come on, Mariah!  How about meandered?  or jaunt?  Circumambulate?]

I was trembling inside but I wanted to stay [stay where?  I thought you were jaunting?]

Pressed against you there and leave the world behind [verb tense agreement be damned!]

On that Fourth of July


So starry eyed on the flowery hillside [Watch out, Willa Cather, I haven’t heard landscape descriptions this lesbian-y since My Antonia.]

Breathless and fervid amid the dandelions [Jesus, Mary, and Joseph you must be kidding me.]

As it swept over me like the wind trough the trees [“OMG, Get it guys?  Wind!  And I’m Mariah!  It’ll be TRANSCENDENT!”]

I felt you sigh with a sweet intensity and baby [“Uh-uh, baby.  That’s a roman candle of a different colour you be feelin’, if you know what i mean…”]

Then you put your hand in mine and we floated away [like, literally?] 

Delicately lay entwined in an intimate daze [Do you believe me know?  I’m not making this word thing up!  Try to get Fergie to sing “delicately lay entwined”.  She’ll probably end up singing something about Taco Bell or some shit.]

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A crescent moon began to shine and I wanted to stay tangled up with you among the fireflies [A quick shower now and again would take care of that, am I Right PEOPLE?]

On that Fourth of July


Thunder clouds hung around so threateningly ominously hovering [Holy shit!  Where were you, “Fourth Of July” when we were doing that poetry unit in Honors English 9?]

And the sky opened wide showering [Are we SURE we’re singing about the sky, Mar?]

Then you put your hand in mine and we ran from the rain [If that’s the showering I’m thinking of, then you’d run too, bitch.][whoever that one pro-‘bitch’ person was, you’re all gonna pay for it now.]

Tentatively kissed goodnight and went our separate ways [After all that?  ‘Ominously hovering thunder clouds’ and ‘crescent moons’ and only a tentative kiss?  Jeesh.]

And I’ve never truly felt the way that I felt the Fourth of July [Because now I’ve got genital herpes.]

And you thought Glitter! was bad.

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Published in: on 6 June 2007 at 11*34 am  Comments (7)  

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7 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. I checked out Mariah Carey’s “music box” once. Bitch needs to use a tampon.

  2. maybe a p[lug?

  3. The new template reminds me of the Christmases of my youth. My dad would show up around the beginning of June with half a carton of cigarettes, yell “Merry Christmas!”, drink all of our beer, and fall asleep on the couch. The next day he would be gone, and mom would take us shopping for new locks.

    Ah, the memories.

  4. memories indeed…that sounds GREAT

  5. Ever since, as a child, she saw Mary Poppins bust out with “supercaligragilisticexpealidocious,” she’s been chasing after that vocabulary monkey like my cousin Eddie does with smack.

  6. Banana Smoothie. I can’t believe it. This changes EVERYTHING.

  7. LOL that’s so funny what you wrote about her lyrics.
    but i like those ‘big words’ she uses it makes the song even better.
    see instead of saying something like “we laid there in a daze” she used “delicately lay entwined in an intimate daze” which is really beautiful, i love her songs and lyrics she’s talented in so many ways. and “delicately lay entwined in an intimate daze” is my favourite phrase from all of her songs.


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