Not Exactly the Nut That Falls From an Oak Tree…

That’s right, skanks.  I’m writing you again.  And this time from the safety of an oversized arm chair watching King of Queens reruns on TBS.  That Carrie would be so much funnier if she weren’t such a creepy scientologist.  Yeesh.

“Hmm?  No, the Kool-Aid’s delicious!”

It’s so much easier when the internet you’re using at home is not the neighbour’s wireless.  That being said, i know it’s been a while, and I’ve got something that’s been killing me here too.  A while ago, a friend of mine mentioned a special guy by the name of Akon. 

That’s him, resplendent belt buckle in full glory.  Your typical R&B/Hip-Hop type dude.  Until, something TOTALLY foreign to the whole urban hip-hop world happened—allegations.  Curious?

This is from ON-STAGE at a gig in Trinidad.  (yes it’s foreign, but they do still have some rules.  I’m guessing.)  This still is from a video that can be found at Hollywood Grind in an article entitled “AKON MOLESTS 14-YEAR OLD GIRL ON STAGE”.

Fourteen.  Now, that girl doesn’t look like 14, I’d say, but still, role model, etc. etc.  I wasn’t super mad until I heard Akon’s latest hit song.  But, because I care, I’d like to share the lyrics that aroused my suspicion.  (aroused?)

Here you have, “Sorry, Blame it on Me.”  I’m gonna steal the parenthetic rancor from the Organum Makers category for this one.  As you’ll see, Akorn has nearly the same subtlety of a Joyce, or a Wordsworth.  And I Quote:

as life goes on i’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
i realize everything i do is affecting the people around me
so i want to take this time out to apologize for things i have done
and things that have not occurred yet 
(that’s what good people do.  apologize ahead for future screw-ups. But wait for it, it gets better.) 
and the things they don’t want to take responsibility for (Zing!  Stupid 14 year old girls not taking responsibility for getting molested onstage!  Bitch!)

i’m sorry for the wrong things that i’ve done
i’m sorry i’m not always there for my son
(All that humping sure does take some time out of father/son time)
i’m sorry for the fact that i’m not aware
that you can’t sleep at night when i am not there
(If you’re not aware, then how….?)
because i am in the streets like everyday
sorry for the things that i did not say
like how you are the best thing in my world
and how i’m so proud to call you my girl
(I mean woman!  Woman!  Gotta stop saying girl!)

i understand that there are some problems (blatant infidelity, child neglect, statutory rape?  Is that what we’re talking about here?)
and i am not too blind to know
all the pain you kept inside you
even though you might not show
if i cant apologize for being wrong
then it’s just a shame on me
(finally, a good point!  [just wait])
i’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me (done and done)

you can put the blame on me (4x)
said you can put the blame on me (3x)
you can put the blame on mei’m sorry that it took so long to see
they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
(DEAD wrong.  As opposed to what that picture says.)
i’m sorry that it took so long to speak
but i was on tour with gwen stefani
(Should be noted though, that what he lacks in discretion, he certainly can whip up a mean rhyme!)
i’m sorry for the hand that she was dealt
for the embarrassment that she felt
(embarrassment?  Looks what she was feeling was slightly more gross.)
just a little young girl trying to have fun
her daddy should never let her out that young
(His fault!  Must be the parents!  Not me!  right?)
i’m sorry for club zen getting shut down
i hope they manage better next time around
(or it’s their fault!  Yeah, card better!  Their fault!  Not me!  right?)
how was i to know she was underage
in a 21 and older club they say
why doesn’t anybody wanna take blame
verizon backed out disgracing my name
(their fault too!  They’re disgracing me!  Not the molesting of underage girls!  right?)
i’m just a singer trying to entertain
because i love my fans i’ll take that blame
(aren’t you sweet.  After spending 2:47 telling us how it’s not your fault for the heinous things you’ve done, you’ll take the blame.  Only not as far as the courts are concerned.)
even though the blame’s on you (3x)
i’ll take that blame from you

SO those of you wondering where i’ve been, I’ve clearly been working on my more serious side.  Don’t worry, though.  More stupid stuff is right down the pike.

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Published in: on 14 August 2007 at 4*09 pm  Comments (5)  

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5 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. What a friggin’ tool. And he can’t even write halfway decent lyrics about what a tool he is.

  2. He needs to limit his interaction with 14-year-olds to MySpace, like I do.

  3. I wish I was 14 again

  4. What about those couple seasons of “King of Queens” when Carrie was fatter than Doug? That definitely wasn’t funny.

  5. DICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!


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