a.j. = ):

bottle of douche

I’m back in detention on a spree today.  We’ll see how regular this gets.  Obviously, it’s been an active time for me the last few years.  Years flying by with the excitement of the WB.  Years thick with enjoyment like a fat person.  I logged in today after asking wordpress to look up my password for me, and all that I missed in 4 years was a multitude of spam, one weird-o defending Taking Back Sunday (seriously?) and many, MANY people sharing opinions about A.J. Pierzynski.  So, there you go, people.  Hope that was worth the 4 years.  I’m not saying this is coming back, it’s probably not.  It’s like an aftershock, really.

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Published in: on 7 April 2011 at 12*33 pm  Comments (1)  

When life gets busy, I get really lazy…

Okay, so it’s been a while.  A real long while.  Really long.  Like, “That’s what she said” long.  It’s just hard, man.  I don’t get to supervise detention anymore which really cuts in to my me-time.  Yet I really doubt you’re interested in my me time. 

During my no-reason-hiatus, I came up with some questions I’ve been dying to ask you, my devoted public.  And by that, I mean people who have given up checking my site and are only back here now because I visited you for you to even remember that I still existed.  So, please take the following test.

1.  What the F is with Duran Duran?  While it is a well-documented fact that Rio is the worst song ever written (I know this news surprises the members of Chumbawumba and Kajagoogoo), did you know that there are people that like The Reflex?  Even some non-criminals.  How did this happen?

2.  Don’t you think the title That’s So Raven  is really racist?  I mean really, who are we kidding.  How is she SO raven?  Aren’t ravens black?  Where’s The Reverend Al on this one? (Sharpton, not Roker)

3.  Would you believe that thanks to our aforementioned bargain TiVo that I have now seen every Law ‘N’ Order SUV possible?  True or False:  After 7 years and Mariska Hargitay’s hair FINALLY grew out from that unfortunate KD Lang thing leading me to realize that she really is pretty friggin’ hott, they cut her hair again just so that I and what I can assume is any number of other people (probably between 3 and 6, in the contiguous 48 only) will watch for the next 7 years. 

4.  Lastly, and this one is for Extra Credit, what the HELL is going on with Carrot Top?  He used to just be a weird looking fire crotch with some stupid props that he thought were funny.  Now he’s pretty much the same but looks like he’s on the ‘roids.  I’m not talking preporation H style roids either.  See for yourself. 

Weird.  Anyway, thanks for coming back.  Hopefully things will pull a Metamucil over here and start to get a bit more regular. 

Wednesday Thursday Friday! (wtf)

Dude, I would like to take an opportunity to stick up for Calvin, of Calvin and Hobbes.  I do love John Calvin as much as the next Dutch guy, but that’s for another time. 

I read a few Calvin and Hobbes’-es’-es (?) in my day, and I never once, not even ONCE remember him peeing on anything.  I know I wrote about stupid shit on cars before, but I recently saw something even worse.  And no, it wasn’t some weird-o lady’s bumper-sticker that said “I Brake For Yard Sales!” with a goofy face beside it.  Which, do you really?  Do you only brake for them, or do you actually stop?  How much do you even love these yard sales?  Where the F did you even find a stupid bumper sticker that even says that you strange, strange, stranger?

Where was I?  Oh yeah, what I saw recently.  This…..

Now, I’ve seen some dumb “Calvin peeing” stickers, especially one recently that showed him peeing on the Miami Dolphins (in Chicago, who really gives a shit?  Did Ace Ventura scare you that much?) and my favourite, Calvin urinating on three words -“No Wake Zones.”  Are you kidding?

But this one, he’s not even peeing ON anything.  Why is he so mad at me?  I’m just behind you!  What’s the big idea, cowpoke?  I took this picture with my camera phone WHILE driving, and I purposely cut out the license plate to avoid legalities but I also cut out the other sticker that says “My Daughter is a Marine.”  I’m sure the Marines love you, sir. 

I don’t think Calvin ever peed on Hobbes, nor did he ever flick him off.  It hurts me to see such an innocent cartoon as Calvin being denegrated. 

Marmaduke, on the other hand, that slut has it coming.

Published in: on 11 September 2007 at 11*06 am  Comments (16)  

Not Exactly the Nut That Falls From an Oak Tree…

That’s right, skanks.  I’m writing you again.  And this time from the safety of an oversized arm chair watching King of Queens reruns on TBS.  That Carrie would be so much funnier if she weren’t such a creepy scientologist.  Yeesh.

“Hmm?  No, the Kool-Aid’s delicious!”

It’s so much easier when the internet you’re using at home is not the neighbour’s wireless.  That being said, i know it’s been a while, and I’ve got something that’s been killing me here too.  A while ago, a friend of mine mentioned a special guy by the name of Akon. 

That’s him, resplendent belt buckle in full glory.  Your typical R&B/Hip-Hop type dude.  Until, something TOTALLY foreign to the whole urban hip-hop world happened—allegations.  Curious?

This is from ON-STAGE at a gig in Trinidad.  (yes it’s foreign, but they do still have some rules.  I’m guessing.)  This still is from a video that can be found at Hollywood Grind in an article entitled “AKON MOLESTS 14-YEAR OLD GIRL ON STAGE”.

Fourteen.  Now, that girl doesn’t look like 14, I’d say, but still, role model, etc. etc.  I wasn’t super mad until I heard Akon’s latest hit song.  But, because I care, I’d like to share the lyrics that aroused my suspicion.  (aroused?)

Here you have, “Sorry, Blame it on Me.”  I’m gonna steal the parenthetic rancor from the Organum Makers category for this one.  As you’ll see, Akorn has nearly the same subtlety of a Joyce, or a Wordsworth.  And I Quote:

as life goes on i’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
i realize everything i do is affecting the people around me
so i want to take this time out to apologize for things i have done
and things that have not occurred yet 
(that’s what good people do.  apologize ahead for future screw-ups. But wait for it, it gets better.) 
and the things they don’t want to take responsibility for (Zing!  Stupid 14 year old girls not taking responsibility for getting molested onstage!  Bitch!)

i’m sorry for the wrong things that i’ve done
i’m sorry i’m not always there for my son
(All that humping sure does take some time out of father/son time)
i’m sorry for the fact that i’m not aware
that you can’t sleep at night when i am not there
(If you’re not aware, then how….?)
because i am in the streets like everyday
sorry for the things that i did not say
like how you are the best thing in my world
and how i’m so proud to call you my girl
(I mean woman!  Woman!  Gotta stop saying girl!)

i understand that there are some problems (blatant infidelity, child neglect, statutory rape?  Is that what we’re talking about here?)
and i am not too blind to know
all the pain you kept inside you
even though you might not show
if i cant apologize for being wrong
then it’s just a shame on me
(finally, a good point!  [just wait])
i’ll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me (done and done)

you can put the blame on me (4x)
said you can put the blame on me (3x)
you can put the blame on mei’m sorry that it took so long to see
they were dead wrong trying to put it on me
(DEAD wrong.  As opposed to what that picture says.)
i’m sorry that it took so long to speak
but i was on tour with gwen stefani
(Should be noted though, that what he lacks in discretion, he certainly can whip up a mean rhyme!)
i’m sorry for the hand that she was dealt
for the embarrassment that she felt
(embarrassment?  Looks what she was feeling was slightly more gross.)
just a little young girl trying to have fun
her daddy should never let her out that young
(His fault!  Must be the parents!  Not me!  right?)
i’m sorry for club zen getting shut down
i hope they manage better next time around
(or it’s their fault!  Yeah, card better!  Their fault!  Not me!  right?)
how was i to know she was underage
in a 21 and older club they say
why doesn’t anybody wanna take blame
verizon backed out disgracing my name
(their fault too!  They’re disgracing me!  Not the molesting of underage girls!  right?)
i’m just a singer trying to entertain
because i love my fans i’ll take that blame
(aren’t you sweet.  After spending 2:47 telling us how it’s not your fault for the heinous things you’ve done, you’ll take the blame.  Only not as far as the courts are concerned.)
even though the blame’s on you (3x)
i’ll take that blame from you

SO those of you wondering where i’ve been, I’ve clearly been working on my more serious side.  Don’t worry, though.  More stupid stuff is right down the pike.

Published in: on 14 August 2007 at 4*09 pm  Comments (5)  

Episode 12- “And You Thought The Plastinated Ones Were Skanky!”

Yesterday, we went to Body Worlds.  (We also went to Pancho Pistola’s, which, was slightly more delicious.)  You know, the one where there are dead people on display?  Like dead guy riding a horse, or dead ballet dancer?  Is it was actually really interesting, and after the first thing or so, it seems really unreal.  You stop thinking about the deadness, really.  They certainly don’t hide anything, though, that’s for sure.  (and by anything, i do mean genitals.  My brother-in-law of course gave ye olde 6th grade response of, “why are you looking?”  So, news flash, I must be a huge gay pervert because I noticed genitals on naked dead people with no skin.)(If he hadn’t said it though, I would’ve said it under my breath to entertain myself anyway.  Just like I do with “That’s what she said” %80 of the time, because my wife doesn’t think it’s funny EVERY SINGLE TIME like I do.)(That’s what she said)

Be that as it may, (for you Jim) we were looking around at the coal miner’s lung and the oro-antral fistulae, I noticed something bothersome.  There was a chick in a dress.  Like a dress dress.  To better illustrate my point, I took a picture.

It seems way less skanky in a picture, I’m sure.  But it was not very covering.  I usually have no problems with skanks, but she was very hoity-toity about the whole thing.  (the first time I’ve ever used ‘hoity-toity’.  opinions?)  I just did not understand why she would come to the museum like that.  Then, as we approached the “Exploded Body” (which, as it turns out, to my dismay, has nothing to do with Carnie Wilson), which included various body parts dangling from strings, I was witness to THIS!

PG-13, n’est-ce pas?  I did not understand why this was happening.  In front of me.  I hate when people are gross in public, especially ones in outfits non-befitting of scientific exhibitions.  As it turns out, it’s one of my things.  So consider yourselves warned, general public.  Watch your behaviour, because you never know when someone who is widely famous on the internet may defame you, ruining your reputation forever! 

Closing thought of the day:  What if Alec Baldwin’s daughter really is a bitch?  Just asking.