Episode 14- “Basement-Thou Art Finished!”

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My wife and I are not exactly handy.  Even though my name conveniently rhymeth, I do not necessarily know my way around a home depot.  I know where it is.  It’s by the Portillo’s.  Someone told me once that there are lots of lesbians there.  I’ve only seen them in movies, so i don’t know if i’d recognize one in the wild.  My grandpa also told me that “the Spitz” are always there waiting in front looking for work.  I guess winning 8 gold medals for swimming isn’t as much a life-long success as we had once thought.   I did not see him there.

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Below, please see a picture of our basement prior to our greasy elbows.

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Now a few hundred bucks and a (circular?) saw I borrowed from my Father-in-Law later, please see the fruits of our labours.

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Hah!  Just kidding.  Like Stephanie Tanner, i kill me sometimes.  It really looks like this.


And there you have it.  A little hard work, a dedicated wife, and a little help from  your friend and mine, Mr. Dark Eyes.  [wink]  You should come over some time.  I’ll be the one running around like Gladiator.  The wife will be handling the crudites.

Published in: on 8 July 2007 at 10*19 am  Comments (7)  

On Mariah Carey/the ‘bitch’ is back

UPDATE:  When i wrote the below, “Banana Smoothie” was not available.  Clearly it came back, so I’m giving you a sample.  That’s what she said. 

Okay, fine.  Seems quite recently I was reviewed by humor-blogs.com to mixed successes.  Everything is clearly anonymous, but I would like to quickly majest whoever it was that was thrilled by my varied usage of the word ‘bitch.’  You, sir or madam, are quite certainly, most definitely, a bitch.  Thank you.

Also, many people decided that my “look” wasn’t so great.  Well, y’all, it’s tough when you’re too cheap to shell out money for a real format and have to use a template available for free by WordPress, aight?  “Thirteen” by Beccary wasn’t cutting it, and, since they removed “Banana Smoothie” much to me and heather’s disappoinment, you get the whimsical and enchanting “Vermillion Christmas.”  Remember, it is for YOU, my public, that I modify myself, much like a modern-day Eva Peron or Walter Mondale.  Alors, enjoy.

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Now, what was I saying.  Mariah Carey’s “Music Box” was the first CD I owned.  Shut up, no, and I’m married.  Nevertheless, from a very young age, I noticed that although Mariah had the musical prowess of one Dame Tetrazzini, her lyrics were somewhat less than operatic.   In a desperate attempt however, to not sound like a complete moron, Mariah always found a way to throw a ‘big’ word into the music, lest you think she less than genious in any way.  Some examples you ask?  Well, I suppose.  From “Heartbreaker,” and I quote:

“Even though I should/I can’t leave you alone/Cause you’re so disarming/I’m caught up in the midst of you/And I can not resist, oh/Heartbreaker you’ve got the best of me/But I just keep coming back incessantly/Oh why did you have to run your game on me?/I should of known right from the start/You’d go and break my heart”

So in a short span we have disarming AND incessantly.  This sounds more like Scripps-Howard than booty shaking, mi amiga.  Let’s see what else we’ve got.  How about some “Always Be My Baby”?  And I Quote:

“You’ll always be a part of me/I’m part of you indefinitely/Boy, don’t you know you can’t escape me/Ooh darling, ’cause you’ll always be my baby”

oo-WEE now we’re really stepping this shit up.  Clap it out, bitch, that’s five syllables.  In-Def-I-Nite-Ly.  It’s no wonder Mariah went to the funny farm for exhaustion.  You try rememberin’ all them big words n’ stuff.  Now, as is customary, I’ve found one particular Mariah nugget that’s just too good to wait until the end.  This Veteran-Appropriate number is perfectly suited for this taint between Memorial Day and the actual holiday that is the title of this opus, “Fourth of July.”  It’s hard not to read this and really feel proud of your country.  Here goes.

It was twilight [already rollin’ with the Shakespeare again, watch out!]

On the Fourth of July [Cuatro de Julio for those not in the know][not “julio”, really? it should be]

Sparkling colors were strewn across the sky [Strewn?  STREWN? in a pop song?  Where does Clive Davis get off?!?][No, Dyckerson, I don’t really want the answer to that, Gross.]

And we sat close enough that we just barely touched [It’s safer that way.  You don’t know WHO’s got Drug-Resistant-Tuberculosis these days.]

While roman candles went soaring above us and baby [Now maybe I’m misreading this, but you’re lighting roman candles around your baby?  I know I’m a few nominations away and a few convictions too many to be considered for Father of the Year, but even I know that fireworks and infants are rarely a successful combination.][oh, and for those of you making a list, we’ve got ‘twilight’, ‘strewn’, and ‘roman candles.’]

Then you put your hand in mine and we wandered away [Wandered?  Come on, Mariah!  How about meandered?  or jaunt?  Circumambulate?]

I was trembling inside but I wanted to stay [stay where?  I thought you were jaunting?]

Pressed against you there and leave the world behind [verb tense agreement be damned!]

On that Fourth of July

So starry eyed on the flowery hillside [Watch out, Willa Cather, I haven’t heard landscape descriptions this lesbian-y since My Antonia.]

Breathless and fervid amid the dandelions [Jesus, Mary, and Joseph you must be kidding me.]

As it swept over me like the wind trough the trees [“OMG, Get it guys?  Wind!  And I’m Mariah!  It’ll be TRANSCENDENT!”]

I felt you sigh with a sweet intensity and baby [“Uh-uh, baby.  That’s a roman candle of a different colour you be feelin’, if you know what i mean…”]

Then you put your hand in mine and we floated away [like, literally?] 

Delicately lay entwined in an intimate daze [Do you believe me know?  I’m not making this word thing up!  Try to get Fergie to sing “delicately lay entwined”.  She’ll probably end up singing something about Taco Bell or some shit.]

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A crescent moon began to shine and I wanted to stay tangled up with you among the fireflies [A quick shower now and again would take care of that, am I Right PEOPLE?]

On that Fourth of July

Thunder clouds hung around so threateningly ominously hovering [Holy shit!  Where were you, “Fourth Of July” when we were doing that poetry unit in Honors English 9?]

And the sky opened wide showering [Are we SURE we’re singing about the sky, Mar?]

Then you put your hand in mine and we ran from the rain [If that’s the showering I’m thinking of, then you’d run too, bitch.][whoever that one pro-‘bitch’ person was, you’re all gonna pay for it now.]

Tentatively kissed goodnight and went our separate ways [After all that?  ‘Ominously hovering thunder clouds’ and ‘crescent moons’ and only a tentative kiss?  Jeesh.]

And I’ve never truly felt the way that I felt the Fourth of July [Because now I’ve got genital herpes.]

And you thought Glitter! was bad.

Published in: on 6 June 2007 at 11*34 am  Comments (7)  

Did You Know? (try saying that out loud without saying ‘JEW’, I dare you.)

Did you know that if you put “?random” aftor the “mrmaestro.wordpress.com/” that it will pop up a random former post?

I know, let’s play a game where you do that, and then leave a funny comment.  It’ll be like Bill & Ted’s or something.  And then we’ll all get to bask in the glory of yesteryear.  Don’t think of it as me being greedy for comments, because, sheesh, never.  Instead, think of it as a useful history lesson. 

Published in: on 30 May 2007 at 3*21 pm  Comments (5)  

#’s 59-49

Can you feel that excitment in the air?  The tension is thick, like a fat person.   (i was always real good at similes)

This is, of course, another section of the notorious listJim helped. 

#59- Sinead O’Connor

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Jim says, “Nothing compares 2 U in suckiness.  Well, except maybe Cher.”

It scares me when anyone is that motivated.  Feels unnatural.  That’s why I prefer my public figures lazy and bored.   You know who else scares me?  The Irish

#58- Hanson

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Jim says, “It must be rough to lose a shot at legitimacy when you’re 8.”

I didn’t realize that Michelle Trachtenburg (Go to fullsize image)was in Hanson.  If you remember, Hanson sang a song entitled “MMbop”, K284.  (I just hope at least ONE person gets that.)  They talked about a rose during it or something.  Well, some green-screen dude decided they would be nice and twisted and threw up a big picture of a purple and yellow pansy behind them.  My hand to Thor, it was a pansy.  Knowing it was pansy, however, is nowhere near as gay as they are, so don’t even try it.  

#57- Michael Flatley

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Jim says, “Lord of the Douche.”

Have you ever wondered where your Vaseline went? 

#56- Mouseketeers

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Jim says, “For giving us the likes of Justin Timberlake.  And Annette Funicello.”

That’s right, all.  They made it onto the list too.  But apparently, individually, they are nowhere near as shittastic as the sum of their parts.  Even including former members such as Christina, Britney, Felicity (long hair), and Ryan Gosling (Who the f?), they are still worse in a pack. 

#55- O.J.

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Jim says, “The murderer, not the juice.”

Let’s all remember the real victims here.  Me.  Screw OJ, A.C. Cowlings was my hero, and that was STOLEN away from adolescent me unjustly.  I can never look at a White Bronco again without my pancrea twitching. 

#54- People Who Don’t Turn Right On Red

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Jim says, “Move, bitch, get out the way.”

I found this person trying to justify herself.  I don’t think so.  If you won’t pussy up and effing turn, then you deserve to be honked at.  No, you deserve to be honked.  I’m not sure what I mean by that, but take that! (Go to fullsize image)  I have to calm down; I’m feeling nearly as mustered as Sinead up there.  Where’d you hide my Xanax. 

#53- Phil Donahue

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Jim says, “At least he’s not Geraldo.”

I never knew why I hated this guy, until I realized his birthplace: OHIO!  Eeeww.  Also, what’s worse in this picture, Phil’s Specs or Oprah’s follicle tribute to the Rutger’s Woman’s Basketball team?

#52- V.U.P.D.

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Jim says, “Substitute your own lame-ass rent-a-cops here.”

They would arrest you for walking home drunk.  I’m just saying.  Arresting walking drunk people is NOT a good way to deter drunk driving.  Seems logical, huh?  Also, no one has EVER been as horny to give out parking tickets.  Ever. 

#51- Abercrombie and Fitch

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Jim says, “Abercrombie and F*ck.”

Although I hate Hollister much more for copying these asstards, I just don’t understand how people can spend that much money on clothes.  I get everything I need at Dollar General or out of that giant mail box-like thing out in front of the grocery store. 

#50- Eczema

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Jim says, “It sounds awful even if it weren’t a gross skin condition.”

This one really hits home.  You know who’s even LESS cool than the kid who’s allergic to eggs, milk, and wheat, AND has wicked Asthma?  The kid who’s got all that AND painful foot eczema.  Good thing I never knew anyone like that.  Would’ve kicked his ass.

#49- Jeff Gillooly

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Jim says, “With a name like Gilooly, it has to be a f*ck!”

Unlike Tanya, at least he got his job done.  Something to be said for a strong work ethic nowadays. 

It’s true!  I’ve been posting like crazy lately.  Don’t get used to it. 

Published in: on 14 May 2007 at 9*01 am  Comments (16)  


Did jew know that Michigan is #1 in the country in Dry Edible Navy Bean production?  I used to live there.  Hence, I am a bean expert.  A frijolonado if you will.  I know about Green Beans, Wax Beans, Refried Beans, Lima Beans, and the like.  However, there are more beans with which I’m presuming you’re less familiar, and so I feel it my duty to re-bean you.   

Melissa BeanMelissa Bean.

Democratic member of the House of Representatives since 2004, representing the suburban Chicago neighbourhoods of Hoffman Estates, Schaumburg, and Palatine.  She’s also a bitch. 

Mr. Bean.

This lovable buffoon has been the star of a vast number of media productions with names ranging from Mr. Bean, all the way to Mr. Bean’s Holiday and Bean.  He’s not really that much of a bitch.  Hell of a schnozz though, am I right, Ladies and Gentlemen?!

Bean on The Match GameOrson Bean.

As seen on the match game.  I don’t know the fuck he is, but from the looks of the background, and my gameshow expertise, I’d say he had to sit by Brett Summers.  He was also Calvin Coolidge’s second cousin.  Brett Summers and Calvin Coolidge: Bitches.

Go to fullsize imageJim Bean.

This guy sure is sneaky.  Just when you think everything is rollin’ and this guy’s helping you have a grand ole time, you find out that that hot chick had a dirty medium-sized secret.  Or you were watching The Crying Game.  Bitch.

Beans performing at Coachella 2005Beans.

“Famous” rapper Beans hails from the ghettos of suburban White Plains New York.  He is the self-declared “Ornette Coleman of this rap-shit.”  If you don’t know about him, then you’re the bitch.

Go to fullsize imageFlicking Bean.


Go to fullsize imageFrances Bean.

With parenting like that, how can you go wrong?  At least she has a stable father. 

That’s all the beans I can think of right now.  Please contribute your own.  Best bean contribution wins a free supply of Bean-o.*

*hah.  Like that’ll happen.  

Published in: on 10 May 2007 at 8*23 am  Comments (14)