Episode 11- “I’d Like to Thank the Little People”(not midgets)

Much like Bea Arthur’s digestive system, presumably anyway, I have not been very regular lately.  I won’t bore you with the boring boring details, but blah blah busy, etc. 

However, I have not noted yet, that this month marks, [insert triumphant music here], the big anniversary.  Yes you’ve had a whole year of this bullshit.  As you scroll down, you may notice my aforementioned irregularity (25 posts last march, 1 in july), but I’m gonna try dammit.  You just see.   Starting here, I promise my love faithfully. 

Many of you have been instrumental in my ‘success’.  So, I would like to thank you all individually.  And, since there’s no more than a baker’s dozen of you, I can do so. 

Amy, remember that one day you linked me and the world was anew?  Thanks to you and accurately timed photos of Liza Minelli’s Wedding Freakshow, I have had numerous huge days!  (400+ people. huge to me.)(numerous = 2)  10 bucks says she never sees this, guys.

Broad, you are so Indiana to me.  Only not in the toothless hillbilly, too dense to figure out daylight savings time, Crossroads of America way, but instead in the way of people that hate those people and like making jokes about people named “Cock.”

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Miss-TAY, you are a funny person.  And not like Paul Reubens funny, or Star Jones funny.  Miss.T., you do for comedy what Mr.T. did for difference-making.  ity. 

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Leah, it is because of you that I even started this site.  You hear that, rest of the world?  You have her to blame.  Although, you do watch the kid, so it looks like I owe you two thank you’s.  As an aside, everytime you mention La Leche League, I think of a delicious dessert.  (2 s’s right?)

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Dawn, you are also very vital in the existence of this blog.  However, your non-hate for Ohio worries me, as does the fact that you enjoy running.  I suppose we differ there.  I link the two, as in, “I only run when people from Ohio are approaching me.”  And there you have it.

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Chris, Your Haiku(s?) are keen.  You ridicule the famous.  Volcano season.  (that’s why I don’t usually try.)

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Jim, your lack of posting makes even me look consistent.  I thank you for the list.  New idea–let’s post some mad libs, eh?  Also, I owe you $500.  I would say ‘the check is in the mail’, except that it isn’t.  Hopefully it will be sometime soon. 

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Carla, Good luck to you, what with the pregnancy and all.  You are such a wise person.  I didn’t always think so, though.  It wasn’t until I found out that someone liking solo Don Henley automatically qualified them as super-queer in ‘your book’, that I decided you were a genius.   

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Dyck, Your blog, to me, is a Stedman.  It is important that it’s there, and it’s automatically funny, although, when you accidentally see it, it’s always a huge disappointment.  And yes, I’m still talking about the blog.

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And now, as the inappropriately timed music swells up like the genital warts on former teen pop stars, I must say, thank you, and good nite.  May all your dreams come true, and may your life float by gracefully as on the wings of a butterfly.

Published in: on 30 March 2007 at 9*05 am  Comments (14)  

Abdul Commercial Break, brought to you by ‘Demerol’

It’s been a while since I’ve been around, and I’ve a few good ideas sitting in the back of my head just waiting like Punky Brewster’s friend who hid in that refridgerator that one time and scared me forever. 

However, now is not the time.  Instead, I would like to mention how our hysterical friend, Paula Abdul, informed Chicago(ish) native contestant Gina Glocksen that her choice of Diana Ross’s”’sss “Love Child” was such an uplifiting song.  I believe the exact verbiage was “It’s such a feel-good number!”

I have included lyrics below, complete with bolded words that, i don’t know about your sorry ass, but make me ‘feel good.’ 

 “Love child
Never meant to be
Love Child
Born in poverty
Love Child
Never meant to be
Love Child
Take a look at me

Started my life
In a old, cold, run-down tenement slum (tenement slum) [so uplifting, it needed to happen twice!]
My father left he never even married mama
I shared the guilt my mama knew
So afraid that others knew I had no name

This love we’re contemplatin’
Is worth the pain of waitin’
We’ll only end up hatin’
The child we may be creatin’

Love Child
Never meant to be
Love Child
(Scorned by) Society
Love Child
Always second best
Love Child
(Different from) Different from the rest

I started school
In a worn, torn dress that somebody threw out
(Somebody threw out)
I knew the way it felt to always live in doubt
To be without the simple things
So afraid my friends would see the guilt in me

Don’t think that I don’t need ya
Don’t think I don’t want to please ya
But no child of mine will be bearing
The name of shame I’ve been wearing

Love Child
Love Child
Never quite as good
Afraid, ashamed

Talk about inspiring.  Thanks, Paula.

Published in: on 15 March 2007 at 8*17 am  Comments (6)  

…you didn’t see this one coming, not from here anyway…[that’s what he said]

[first, no one helped me with Ricky Ponting.  A little help, folks?] 

Do you know people that are too conservative?  Seriously, guys, lighten up a bit.  I don’t think I stand alone when I say that Tucker Carlson needs to get some, pronto

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However, the biggest issue for me is that there are people in this world who are overly liberal.  Like, the kind of liberal that defies logic.  Par Ejemplo….

My wife was in law school when she found out she was pregnant.  She was sitting in a study lounge with some acquaintances, and one of them, one to which she was certainly not close, upon hearing the good news of wifey’s pregnancy announced, “I’d get an abortion.” 

Excuse me, my friend, no one gives a shit what you would do, because you are not pregnant.  For some people, this pregnancy was exciting and nerve-wracking.  Some people want to nurture their babies so that they have a better chance of being born without complications.  So you, bringing up terminating pregnancies for NO reason but to show just how liberal you are (with your NorthFace jacket….sheep….) is ridiculous.  To no one’s surprise, she was the girl that hung around with friends and all the friends assumed one of the others liked her and so, dealt with it.  As it turns out, no one liked Libby O’Abortsalot.

On the way to school, I got stuck behind a pick-up truck and saw this on the back window.

Why?  The original Icthys, or ‘Jesus Fish'(Go to fullsize image), comes from an Ancient Greek Acrostic that was used as sort of a secret symbol during the Early Roman Empire.  Today, it has become a symbol of Christianity in general.  People put them on cars, jewelry, windows, etc.  It’s not to show off.  It represents something, and if you want to put it on your car, then go for it.  We all know that if anything should be outlawed on cars, it’s that awful White Sox Champs ’05 bullshit.

My problem with the Darwin thing is that it blatantly mocks this symbol, and therefore Christianity.  Maybe I’m overreacting, but I don’t go around making fun of other religions for the hell of it, and I CERTAINLY don’t put symbols mocking other religious symbols on my vehicle.  Races, maybe.  But not religions.  A wise man in an awesome movie once quoted, “You should never talk about politics or religion—you never know who you’re gonna offend.” 

I get that some people don’t like creationism.  It’s a hard concept.  But who really loves Darwin that much?  Are there really people going, “that Jesus was something, but you know who really rocked?  DARWIN!”  or  “That Darwin was a sweet piece of ass.  I love me some eminent British naturalists!”  Fine.  I don’t go around talking about my love for one Thomas Alva Edison, do I?  Well, that often?  No, I do not. 

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No, I’m guessing you don’t care that much about Darwin, but you just wanna stick it to one to those damned religious folks!  It’s those stodgy Christians that are ruining everything in this world.  Them with their messages of peace and love….  If you have a problem with a particular demonination’s beliefs, that’s okay, but don’t desecrate someone’s beliefs because someone told you once that Catholics don’t want gays to marry each other. 

I’m LIBERAL DAMMIT!  I’ll show those religious with this little piece of bent metal!  Take that!

Well you know what, you flaming super-liberals?  I have some news you may not like.  God loves you, too.

Published in: on 1 March 2007 at 9*57 am  Comments (4)