#’s 125-115 (f. parental bitching/Minelli!)

 I have had an incredible spike in hits lately, and it seems to be largely due to the fact that I have used the following (frightening) picture on my site before.

If you came here looking for that or because Google told you it was here, then thanks for coming.  Scary, huh?  Although I despise Liza Minelli and actually played piano for a voice teacher who went to High School with Miss Judy Garland, Jr., and hated her, I guess I will accept my duties as a Liza Minelly authority and will go ahead and tell you that, yes, she is STILL crazier than a Shit-House-Rat.  Thank you.  On to the post…

Can I say one thing before I start defiling strangers here?  (That sounds surprisingly exciting, though, huh?)  DON’T I REPEAT DONT  tell me that ‘it’ will get worse.  I frieking HATE YOU when you tell me it will get worse.  No matter how DAMN frustrating a 2-year-old is, at least he can EFFING tell you what the HELL he wants!!! 

I’d love for you, you cup-half-empty-I-liked-fat-Elvis-better-the-Beatles-weren’t-all-that-great*-cool-aid-drinking-scientologist-assholes to come over and hold the baby when he’s SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS DAMN LUNGS for no apparent reason.  (go ahead, send DCFS, maybe they could at least share some ideas!)  Then you go ahead and tell me that a 2 year old who is either crying because he’s injured or sad or being an ass but no matter what he has an EFFING DAMNED REASON is worse.  Tell me.  And I’ll kick you in the scrotum.  Ass.

Now, where was I?  Ah yes.  Hating. 

#125- State Troopers

Jim says, “As evidenced by the [low rank], it’s clear that not everyone has gotten a $300 ticket in AssF*ck, IN by one of these pricks.”

I have never been pulled over by a State Trooper.  Cops from Evergreen Park, Burbank, and Kouts, IN, maybe.  But NEVER a State Trooper, though, from what I hear from Jim, they’re awful.  HOWEVER, if you listen to EVERYTHING Jim tells you, you’ll end up with Scabies and a Notre Dame sweater.  (hard to say which is worse, huh?)  I do, on the other hand, LOVE the song “Super Trouper!”  Who knew something positive was coming! (That’s what she said.)

#124- The Baldwins (not Alec)

Jim says, “I’m not sure why Alec.  He sucks, too.”

I think that I like Alec Baldwin.  I think he is funny.  But what’s with the others?  This was the least successful acting wannabe family dynasty since the Osmonds.  I accidentally typed the ‘Ormonds’, the ‘Osmonts’ and the ‘Mormons’ all before I successfully typed Osmonds.  Not in that order, but seriously. 

#123- The Unabomber

Jim says, “Nice hoodie, F-tard”

Hey, at least he was successful.  You can’t argue with success.  Or Tacos.  Dammit I’m hungry. 

#122- Ticketmaster

Jim says, “Service charge, my ass.  Cocksmocking monopolists.”

TICKETMASTER SUCKS!  You heard it here first, my friends.  Why?  Why so much money?  I work hard for my money—so hard for it, honey.  Jim would like you to know, also, for the record, that NO ONE knows more about cocksmoking monopolists.  Especially when ‘monopolists’ means ‘people that play Monopoly!’. 

#121- Amy Fisher

Jim says, “You don’t see Joey Buttafuoco on this list, do you?  Damn straight, bitch sold him out.

I think that a “Long Island Lolita” sounds like a delicious cocktail.  “What’ll you have, partner?”  “Do you have Skol Vodka and 5 0’clock Tequila here?  Great.  Then I’ll have a Long Island Lolita.”   Delicious.

But did you know that Alyssa Milano and Drew Barrymore BOTH played Amy Fisher in movies?  Maybe Amy Fisher not so bad after all… 

#120- Anna Nicole Smith

Jim says, “Rated pre-‘Trimspa, baby!’.  On one hand, she’s somewhat hot again.   On the other hand, can you ever forget what came in between?”

Nothing is hotter than having a questionable role in your own son’s demise, huh?  Sweet….

But, she sure was funny in Naked Gun 33 & 1/3! 

#119- Delaware

Jim says, “I swear to God this is a made up state.  Seriously, the capital is Dover?  Completely fictional.”

No shit.  What a waste!  What good ever came from Delaware?!?  And what self-respecting state only has 3 counties!?!  3 counties?!?!?!  What a joke!  LOSERS!

Take your fake state, and……..Blow it out your ASS!!!!

#118- Dick Clark

Jim says, “Age!  Damn, you age!”

Oh my.  He’s more sad than anything.  It’s like when we were watching Friday Nite Lights and the dude’s Gramma was all taking a bath at someone else’s house, and then she’s all, don’t let anyone see me, and I was all crying like a baby.  It’s sad like that.  If only it weren’t for American Bandstand.

#117- Dustin Diamond

Jim says, “Never has so pornish a name been attached to so weak of a man.”

WHHOOOAAA!!  Seriously, this list was compiled in 2003, and Jim sent me all his comments for-EVER ago!  Who could’ve POSSIBLY guessed that Screech would later shed his monacre for a new, much more, Dirty Sanchez-ier Dustin Diamond

Sometimes it’s like Jim is Miss Cleo, except, even LESS Jamaican. 

#116- Laurie Snell

Jim says, “Officious Bitch.”

I thought I got rid of all the Valpo-inside-joke type people, but I guess one snuck in.  Sorry y’all.  Just take my word for it.  She a bitch.

#115- Martin Lawrence

Jim says, “Ma’in!  Fu’er!”

Martin Lawrence sucks.  He’s not even funny.  I have skin rashes funnier than him.  Multiple. 

I have sensitive skin-lay off me. 

Have a nice day b-b-b-b-BITCHES!

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Published in: on 26 October 2006 at 7*43 pm  Comments (5)  

On Taking Back Sunday

UPDATE: TODAY (THURSDAY) IS MY SISTER-IN-LAW’S BIRTHDAY!  GO WISH HER A HAPPY ONE!  (then come back and read this.  dammit.) 

One day, my brother-in-law pointed out to me that there was a band “out there” who was particularly deserving of my angry comments.  I’m more than happy to take requests, so I went to investigate this particular band with a name oh-too-similar to a band my friends started in High School.  Little did I know what I was in for….

This punk/hardcore/emo band is particularly vapid, especially when one looks at their lyrical contributions.  Here’s the problem with emo…it sucks.  It’s a stupid idea, it makes me want to spend my days in Chinese torture prison, just me, Celine Dion, Gloria Estefan, and Tony Kornheiser.  Only the Ohio State Buckeyes can be truly worse than this, the suckiest subgenre of music to pop up since skiffle.  I could carpal tunnel on here for days, but instead, time for some meaty nuggets. 

Exhibit A today comes from the song “You Know How I Do”, which, me being the rap-ficionado that I clearly am would like to point out sounds more like an LLCoolJ song than something to cry to.  Nevertheless.  And I Quote:

“So sick, so sick of being tired.
And oh so tired of being sick.
Willing and ready to prove the worst of everything you said about.
So obviously desperate, so desperatly obvious.
So good at setting bad examples.
Listen, trick, I’ve had all I can handle.

We won’t stand for hazy eyes anymore.”

Listen, trick, I’m just SO sick!  My life is SO horrible!  And look how good I am at adjectives and adverbs!! I can turn them around and even make ’em switch!  Doesn’t that count for something, 6th Grade English Teacher?!?!  Oh, and for the record, hazy eyes are so last year.   Seriously.  Now for a song that made me think I was stuck in an inspirational poster making factory…”There’s No ‘I’ In Team”.  And I quote:

“And I’ve got a twenty-dollar bill
that says you’re up late night starting
fist fights versus fences in your backyard
Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor
Soaking in sympathy
from friends who never loved you
nearly half as much as me
Best friends means I pulled the trigger!!!”

We-he-hell!  Let the bets begin!  A 20-spot!  No offense, TBS, but I don’t think betting that your little insomniac friend here is engaging in fisticuffs with a fence is really the best bet.  I’d put it all on 13.  I do love the little moral in the last sentence here though.  How Shakesperean!  More?  Okay.  This is the song my Brother-in-law first pointed out to me, pointing out that this song was clearly written on a spiral notebook during study hall.  More team/phonics love here, I give you “Cute Without The ‘E’ (cut from the team).”  And I Quote:

“Your lipstick, his collar.. don’t bother Angel
I know exactly what goes on
Don’t bother trying to explain Angel
I know exactly what goes on when you’re on and
How about I’m outside of your window
Watching him keep the details covered
You’re such a sucker for a sweet talker, yeah
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don’t ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you’ll never love me”

Read that again.  And seriously, read it carefully and please let me know if you have ANY EFFING CLUE WHAT THE HELL THAT IS SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!!  Seriously.  How about I’m outside your window.  How about I kick you in the face, douche.

You didn’t really think I’d let you go without some parenthetical love did you?  Like they say in the hood, we always packin’ heat.  or something.

Jinx me something crazy [You owe me a slur-pee!  That’ll teach you to say ‘bleeding heart’ at the same time as me!  oh, anguish]
Thinking if it’s three then I’m as smooth as the skin rolls across the small of your back [ah yes, the skin rolls on your back.  Apparently, this song is really about the dude’s Shar-Pei.  Nothing screams sadness more than a man’s unhealthy love for his roly-poly dog.  But, only ‘if it’s three.’  Don’t forget that.]
It’s too bad it’s not my style [oh, denied.]
If you need me I’m out and on the parkway, [Naturally.  Emo people are always hitching.  Signature.]
patient and waiting for headlights, [aren’t we all?  heh.  heh.  Get it?  Headlights?]
dressed in a fashion that’s befitting to the inconsistencies of my moods [Whoa, Captain Thesaurus.  Let’s take it down a notch here!  What exact fashion is that that illuminates your schizophrenia, anyway?  I picture one of those crying clowns, maybe with a beanie or something.]

It’s times like these, where silence means everything [deep.]
And no one is to know about this [you got it, trick?!]
But whatever I have gettin’ myself into [mainly, heroin.]
maybe has been slicing inches from my waist [Ooh!  Someone alert Kirstie Alley!  A new diet plan!  Maybe you’ve been ‘gettin yourself into’ plastic surgery.  Hmmm?!?]
It’s my fist vs. the bottle [i got my 20-spot on the bottle, bitch]
and thank god you weren’t there… [A-MEN!]
And that’s how bad could this hurt or against I won’t feel a thing [huh?  Was just this one line translated from the Chinese?]
I tell you all about it [And we’re SO grateful.]
It’s just not working out to watch me hit bottom [funny, I didn’t mind it.]
It’s a campaign of distraction and revisionist history, oh [I love this line.  ‘distraction and revisionist history’ followed immediately by ‘oh.’  Anytime you finish it off with ‘oh’ or any other gutteral utterance, you just negate any big words you just looked up and tried to use correctly.  Sorry my friends, F-.]

See, the old brother-in-law wasn’t that far off—-Taking Back Sunday TOTALLY sucks.  And there you have it. 

Any other requests while we’re at it?

Published in: on 17 October 2006 at 8*28 pm  Comments (8)  

The Adventures of Gully Washer and Big Blow

Dammit.

As I’m looking out the window of detention right now, 9h18:36am C.S.T., I feel desperation, anguish, and forlornness.  (I looked it up, it’s real.)  THIS is what I see……..

Okay, so maybe that’s not exactly what I see, but you bet your sweet aspercreme it’s close, dammit. 

Just exactly what I was hoping for, knowing that my students have (outdoor) band practice in which we are also inviting 80-odd 7th and 8th graders along for recruitment purposes.  Because you know that 13-year-olds love NOTHING more than working hard and practicing in weather like this.  We’re even cooler than Danity Kane, bitches.

Anyway, trying to make this a happy instead of a “I’m dreading the denouement of this day,” I decided to thesaurus snow storm.  Why you ask?  I don’t really know.  But it turned up Gully Washer and my personal favourite Big Blow.  Can’t you just picture your local weather asshole saying, “Look out for one fiesty gully washer today, Palatine!”, or “Get out yer long johnnies Wauconda, we’re in for a BIG BLOW!!!”  [then again, when aren’t they in Wauconda, if you know what I mean….] 

Upon further research, I did happen to find that both Gully Washer and Big Blow could mean other things, thanks to our friends over at urbandictionary.com.  If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t know what Lackanookieitis meant.  Anyway…

Whereas Thesaurus.com told me that ‘Gully Washer’ meant snowstorm, UrbanDictionary.com told me the following:

“When you have to go the bathroom so badly you pee a little into your clothing to relieve some of the pressure. If you’re at this stage then odds are very high you’re not gonna make it to the bathroom in time.”

Then, luckily, they give us a nice example.  I swear the people that write this thing are something special.

“Dude! Did you see the back of Kayla’s skirt when she rushed out?”
“Hell yeah! She must have let loose a gully washer during class.”
“And did you see her after she ran into the hall? She, like, just started pissing onto the floor and it was, like, wierd!”

Good to know.  I’ll spare you the looking up of “Big Blow.”  I’m guessing you can imagine. 

Well, it’s accumulating know.  Time to suffer.  Feel bad for me people.  This isn’t the kind of snowstorm that you see Kate Moss doing off the back of the toilet at the Newark T.G.I.Friday’s. 

Published in: on 12 October 2006 at 7*46 pm  Leave a Comment  

#’s 136-126

Things have been going pretty well lately in life, so I don’t have TOO much to bitch about.  So, I’ll channel some earlier bitching and release it on your sorry asses now.  Enjoy! 

#136- Chumbawumba

Jim says, “Please don’t get up again.”

With lyrics like “Flatfoot comes poking/Compounding my misery/Grinding pestle and mortar/adding insult to injury”, it’s a wonder that Tubthumping was these guys’ only big hit!  I guess the lesson to be learned here is that being Australian only makes you cool enough for one quick foray into American pop culture.  Anything more is just laughable.  Take the hint, Mel Gibson(…sugar tits…)!!!!!

#135- Delta Burke

Jim says, “If anyone tries to tell me that Delta Burke was unconventionally hot I will personally castrate them.”

OH, Designing Women.   You were so swarthy and Southern and whorish.  Even your gay black friend.  Wait, isn’t Delta Burke DEAD?

#134- Denny’s

Jim says, “Low-rent racist M’er F’ers.”

Okay, arguably the best thing at Denny’s (besides saying or not saying “i’ll have the moons over my-hammy“) is the grasshopper shake.  It’s minty and green and delicious and a favourite of Wifey.  But EVERY TIME YOU ASK FOR IT, THEY’RE OUT OF THE DAMN GREEN SHIT!!!!  Why even bother putting it on the DAMN menu if you don’t EFFING HAVE IT!!!!!  DAMMIT!!! 

Also, I encourage you to go to Denny’s circa 3:30am sometime, just to observe the crowd.  It’s like National Geographic there. 

#133- James Swearingen, ASCAP

Jim says, “More like ASSCAP.”

Not the deadwood guy.  Though from what I hear (knock-off TiVo is one thing, HBO is another…), he’s kind of an a-hole as well.  No, this is James Swearingen ASCAP, as in American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers.  Nothing inherently wrong with them, but it’s not like I still go around listing myself as ‘Dude, Kappa Delta Pi‘, ‘Joe Schmo, Music Educator’s National Conference‘.  Please.  Get over yourself.  And then write ONE DAMN SONG that doesn’t go back between 6/8 and 3/4.  We get it.  It worked for effing Leonard Bernstein.  And you sir, you’re no Leonard Bernstein. 

[I am fully aware how music-nerdy I just got there and I apologize.  Oprah’s a bitch.  There, that’s better.]

#132- John Smith, Jr.

Jim says, “Church of the Latter-Day Nutcases maybe…”

Anyone who has seen Big Love may question the whole poly-doin’-it thing…(polygamy…I know…’doin’ it’ is funnier) but I think it’s more like a big giant advertisement.  Who needs to read the book of Mormon when you can WATCH it, huh?!?  Anyone who discovers a religion after some dude tells you to go look for a gold plate on a hill is worthy of this list, I DO believe.

#131- John Stamos

Jim says, “Pre-split with Rebecca Romijn.  Now more sad than F-ish.”

Hey John!  Congratulations, though, on the awesome reviews on your new show!  I heard some AWESOME things!  I guess the Full House curse is finally broken!  (never mind Uncle Joey on Skating With Celebrities, Aunt Becky on Summerland, and the twinsies in Traffic

Wait, you’re telling me the show was cancelled after 1 episode?  Well, shucks.  At least some pathetic show will take you some day down the road….

#130- Jose Canseco

Jim says, “Pre-juice.  Post-I’ll give him a 5.”

Surviving living in a house with Janice Dickinson and Omarosa Manigawhore-Stagenitalwartsth is an amazing task in and of itself.  But, you did still give up a homerun that bounced off your hemorrhoid-induced-swelled-up-beaner and into the stands.  That makes you a loser.  Sorry.

#129- LaToya Jackson

Jim says, “For crying out loud, Tito had more talent.”

‘Nuff said.

#128- Master P

Jim says, “You are not a basketball player.  You’re not even that good of a rapper!”

But we did have Dancing With The Stars….  Ahh, whimsy. 

Seriously though, Christopher Reeve had better moves.

#127- Pee-Wee Herman

Jim says, “His name is ‘Pee-Wee’!  How did we not see that coming?  Oh, bad choice of words.  Maybe we did see that ‘coming’…”

Oh, I loved Pee-Wee’s playhouse.  I don’t know if that means something, and I insist it does not as I know my wife loves it also.   We have circa 25 knock-off-TiVoed episodes of the show now that they rerun it on Cartoon Network late at nite.  I like to watch it for the connect-the-dots-la-la-la-la.  Too bad he went all George Michael on us.  Oh, Pee-Wee, what went wrong?

#126- People Who Wear Zubaz

Jim says, “You should be a-F*ing-shamed of yourselves.”

Oh my.  For those of you that are offended, I would like to point out that it is people who “WEAR” Zubaz, as in currently.  We all did it.  It’s like a painful coming of age.  Like that dancing-around-the-table ceremony or genital mutilation.  Only slightly less scarring.  So I’ve heard.  But still, everyone, it’s done now.  Put it away with the paisley and the dickies.  There comes a time when you must cut your losses. 

Seriously. 

Hollaback, girls, we’re nearing the top 100!

Published in: on 6 October 2006 at 8*19 pm  Comments (2)  

What IS the deal with Dusty Baker?

DB: Hello, Hello?!  Please baby… it was only one time!  Well, okay, lots of times, but I still love you!  Who’s gonna take me now?  NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cubs:  Sorry buddy.  It’s been real.  Real like a non-sedated colonoscopy.

DB:  Where do I go from here???

Cubs: Really, it doesn’t matter to us.  We hear the Schaumburg Flyers have an opening as a bench coach, but we already recommended someone else for the gig…Bad timing, you know?  Tough break, homes.

DB:  Homes?  I’m black!  What about all the shit I went through for you?  Steve Bartman, Wood/Prior injuries, those asshole Sox Fans?

Cubs: Easy, D.Bak., the Sox fan’s aren’t that bad…

DB:  Whatever—I worked in San Francisco for years and I’ve never seen so many queers. 

Cubs:  Whoa!  They won the world series, for Pete’s sake!

DB:  In a year where everyone else sucked royally.  Big frieking deal, you sucked the least.  Be proud, losers!!!!

Cubs:  That’s it, we’re leaving.  You smell like bad tequila and broken toothpicks.  Go catch a bus home, you loser. 

DB: [pukes, gives middle finger, sobs endlessly]

Published in: on 3 October 2006 at 7*38 pm  Leave a Comment