Commercial Break

People are always asking me who he looks like.  I never knew what they meant, but I think this will help.  (I did this to me to0, here.)(there’s no way to read that parenthetical without feeling dirty inisde)

“Grease: You’re The One That I Want!” If want means hump. And share VDs.

Last time, we mentioned to you about some seedy television shows that our bargain TiVo allows us to view.

Well, the typical party of Me, Deal or No Deal Girl, Overexcited Eccentric Jeopardy Guy, and Baby Wes sat down to view the guiltiest pleasure of the week: “Grease: You’re The One That I Want!”.  . “.  [i don’t understand that punctuation bs…]

Guess What, Deal or No Deal Girl, looks like ‘Grease’ has the kids singing all-duets this week!  Aren’t you excited?!

All right!  What do you think Overexcited Eccentric Jeopardy Guy?

Baby Wes?

Well, here goes!  Ewww, first up is Super-gay-gross Broadway dude(Austin) and Laura.  Let’s see what they can do with “I don’t know much, but I know I love you….”

Ewww.  Gross, Laura!  Don’t touch him on the mouth!  Two words for you, Laura.  Her Pes.  What do you think about that Baby Wes?

That bad, huh?  Leads you to drinking?  What about you Deal or No Deal Girl?

Oh, you never change.  HUSH THAT FUSS!  It’s time for Max and Ashley S.!  I still can’t think of “It Takes Two” though without thinking of the Stupid Olson Twins. 

“I like the Olson Twins!”

pervert. 

Alright, Max and Ash, let’s see what’s poppin’!

Yikes you two!  Take it easy!  Overecxited Eccentric Jeopardy Guy?

Oh my.  Deal or No Deal Girl?

Mm hmm.  Baby Wes?

Right, hoodie string.  Got it.  (if you’re concerned about the sock on his hand, it was actually a GOOD parenting move.  Ask me more later, DCFS.)

Ivanka and the miraculous size-changing boobs?!?  How’d you get here!?

yeesh!  I got VD flying at me from every direction tonite!

Oh, if you GIVE the clap to someone else, it doesn’t mean you don’t have it anymore Deal or No Deal Girl!.   It’s not like a fruitcake.  So I’ve heard.  Anyway, you all shut up, it’s time for Chad and Allie who are doing the classic “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough.”  Which, as we are soon to find out, is most CERTAINLY true.  There ain’t nothin’ comin’ between these two.  (inappropriate JH joke deleted by author)

Ahh, the classic combo of lover’s embrace and scary African Lizard mating ritual.

Baby Wes?

Oh, ouch.  Rough nite.  Overexcited Eccentric Jeopardy Guy?

Oh my.  Deal or No Deal Girl?

Ivanka?

Creepy. 

And there you have it.  We all certainly enjoyed this whore-fest.  Until next time…..

GREASE IS THE WORD!!! is the word….(is the word….repeat and fade…)

Meredith is still alive, I know it.

I may have alluded to my love for reality shows in the past, even ones as dark and desperate as Wickedly Perfect, and Mr. Personality.  However, since my wife and I sold-out (only a little, it’s not REAL TiVo, snobs…) and got DVR-esque box-thing, there are SO many shows that we watch that may seem embarassing to other people.  Most of you MAY not even know these are on.  Nearly ALL of these have been on the ‘Automatically Record’ part of our box-thing (Season Pass, for you TiVo snobs….).

Shows not TOTALLY embarrassing because, dude, lots of people watch them, so it’s not so bad, right?

Grey’s Anatomy-Dude, it may be somewhat of a chick show, but if you’ve never watched it, this one hot doctor lady drilled holes in a dude’s head with an ACTUAL drill, not a doctor drill, while bro was smashed between two cars in the garage part of a ferry boat that had been in an INCIDENT!  And there is no damn WAY that Meredith is dead, even if she did see Coach Taylor and that scary-faced Denny.

Friday Night Lights–According to NBC, not many people watch this show, but it’s good on SO many levels.  You really should watch it.  Although the slight delve into racism is a bit much for me, (Equality?  puh-lease!) Matt Saracen’s Grandma kills me every time.

American Idol-I actually like the good ones.  These in between weeks where they’re all in hollywood and shit are my favourites.  It does bother me though, that there are people in the DAMN TOP 12 WHO I NEVER EVER SAW EVER BEFORE!  Not even 1ce!  What the hell.  Please tell me you saw Simon man-handling his breasts when that 2nd chance chick came in, please. 

The Office-“Now you must wrestle my cousin Moes!” Pam hurts my heart.

Okay, buddy, that’s just downright awful…

Gay, Straight, or Taken-Another chick show, but the chick always picks the gay guy and her face is priceless.  Every time.  Friggin’ priceless.

Iron Chef America-I really don’t care for Alton Brown, but I watch this show religiously full-well knowing that I will never eat, nor make anything that intricate and expensive.  I do know what Lardo is though now, so I guess I learned something.

Any Reality Show on MTV–Juvies, Super Sweet 16, Two-A-Days, I’m From Rolling Stone, Road Rules, Real World, everything.  Even some of the dating shows.  I know the average age of people that watch that shit is 17, but if it weren’t for people like me, it’d be 13.  So, I look at it as doing a favour for MTV.  I’m maturing them.

Pee-Wee’s Playhouse-I don’t even watch them all, but I save them for the future.  Watching them now makes you wonder how 7-year-old-you didn’t see it all coming.

Grease: You’re the One That I Want-the subtitle makes it worse I know.  Even though I respect broadway and even like some musicals, I hate Grease.  Yet, I watch.  Every week.  And cheer for Juliana.  I’m a bitch. 

Who Wants to Be a SuperHero–Stan Lee, creator of Spiderman, had a reality show where people dressed as superheroes, referred to each other by superhero names, even in daily situations, OR ELSE.  It was awesome.  When Fat Momma said that Feedback should win over her and Captain Victory, I had a moment. 

I Wanna Be a Soap Star–Okay, we don’t REALLY get the soap opera channel, but they gave it to us as a sample for a month or so and I got hooked on this show.  It was just like any reality show but with more preening and awful acting.  Yeah, EVEN more. 

That’s enough for now.  Feel free to share your guilty pleasures, or make fun of me endlessly for having such poor taste.  Go ahead, have at it.

#’s 81-71

Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, the temperature is back up into the almost-not-negatives, the snow has temporarily stopped falling, and my eczema is clearing up with a vengeance. 

As I feel that my rise to fame is certainly imminent without needing any extra signs, I was pleased to see some omens leading me toward success.  My college roommate won on jeopardy! (you could share you know…), someone I sorta knew some at college was on American Idol for not going out the right door, and Steph from college is famous across the internet for doing the “thriller” at some wedding.  Oh!  And that trend I started last year of wearing adult diapers on long car trips seems to be catching on.  (okay, that wasn’t so much as a trend, as it was doctor’s orders, but still, I’m encouraged.)

So, it’s perfect time to hate on some nearly (in some cases) innocent people/things!

#81- Miss Teen USA

Jim says, “So hot, so probably not legal.”

Sounds like someone wanted in on some scandal?  Do I smell rehab, anyone?

#80- Roger Ebert

Jim says, “Roger Ebert, Cecil Fielder, Carnie Wilson, and Taft should have a pie-eating contest to determine the f-iest fat F on the list.”

Now this is a contest I could get into, Jim.  Can you imagine?  A Celebrity Fat-off?  Especially when deceased historical figures are included.  It doesn’t get better than that.

I’m putting my money on Ebert.  Anyone who ‘Vogues’ like that could take town a strawberry-rhubarb or two. 

#79- Carnies

Jim says, “Get a real job.  And some teeth while you’re at it.”

From the greatest cinematic masterpiece, Drop Dead Gorgeous, I bring you the following quote:

Amber (Kirsten Dunst): My Mom never hid the fact that my father chose his career over us.  What was it she always said?

Aunt Loretta (Allison Janney): Once a carnie, always a carnie.

Amber: Mom still cries every time she sees a tilt-a-whirl or a fat lady in a tube top.

See it, Dammit.  And then try and tell me it’s not the amazing-est.

#78- Danny Bonaducci

Jim says, “I don’t know if I spelled his name right, and you know what?  I couldn’t care less.”

You didn’t Jim.  It’s Bonaduce.  Which is actually closer to douche.  And there you have it.

Can someone tell Danny and his little methy friend Tom Sizemore that as much as this country loves reality shows, myself DEFINITELY included, no one wants to watch them pull themselves together.  These humpty dumpties are much more entertaining left on the ground.

#77- David Arquette-Cox

Jim says, “Could be the highest wife hotness:husband toolness ratio of all time.”

In his defense, Jim was always a Monica. 

#76- Ike Turner

Jim says, “He made wife beating funny again.”

Best celebrity Ike since Eisenhower.  (this excludes only Ike Broflovski, although, per Al Gore, a recount is in the works.)

#75- Judge Mills Lane

Jim says, “Are you a boxing referee? Are you a judge?  I don’t know, but you’re certainly an F.”

Doesn’t ‘Mills Lane’ sound like a line of upscale cookies?  Desperately desiring that satisfied cookie feeling?  Try our new Mills Lane Prairie Macaroon Longing and Rocky Mountain Oyster Bliss, available exclusively at your local Aldi’s…

He’s no Judge Judy, that’s for damn sure.

#74- Regis Philbin

Jim says, “Admit it, Kelly Ripa carries your sorry effing ass.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love Regis.  It’s just in the same way that I love Cher, Synchronized Swimming, and Dennis Kucinich.  They’re great because they’re just that awful. 

Oh, shut your ass up.  Go listen to Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves and tell me you don’t let a little out, Lisa Nowak. 

#73- Ron Jeremy

Jim says, “This man is the world’s most famous porn star?  Why?!?”

Ew.  As I mentioned earlier, I love reality shows.  Mr. Jeremy is appearing on a particularly seedy one right now entitled “Surreal Life Fame Games.”  The best part of this show, however, was he nearly became romantically (?) linked to your friend and mine, Brigitte Nielsen.  That would really round out her resume of Sylvester Stallone and Flavor Flav, no?  This woman’s been under more weirdos than tiles in a Comic Book Store.

#72- Tampa Bay

Jim says, “You only wish you were Miami or Orlando.  Shit, you wish you were Kissimmee St. Cloud.”

I swear we were not affected in any way when we came up with this list.  I swear.  That only makes this worse, I know. 

#71- The Inventor of the Organ

Jim says, “I’ll show you an organ, you dirty F-er.”

I’m not so sure anyone really ‘invented’ the organ, per se…, but blaming this dude in that sweet-ass thimble hat seems to be the easiest way to help me feel better. 

There you are, my friends.  Some fresh rancor for you.  Have a nice day.

p.s. ‘rancor’ rhymes with ‘chancre.’  A little FYI there for you.

What IS the deal with Al Gore and his LIES?!?

 

Excuse me, Al?  You want me to be concerned about Global Warming?  Sorry, Fatty O’Boresalot, I don’t buy it.

As I drove to school this morning feverishly avoiding– pedestrian hobos, a radio frequency that wasn’t talking about some game last nite because I am so NOT in the mood right now, and the Ashburn something-or-other church and it’s bitter messages (see footnote), I noticed that the thermometer in mi coche read -9.  That’s Fahrenheit, bitches.  Just because I say mobile and prO-cess doesn’t mean I use your stupid-ass Metric system.  Dumbass.  I bet you like soccer too.  Fruit. 

-9? That’s before the windchill, which, my homeslice and fellow VU alumni Ginger Zee tells me makes it about -9,000.  (-35)  Well, Al, if those polar bears are worried about melting glaciers and an o-zone layer as present as socialite undergarments, send those suckas down here.  We’ve got cold to share.   It is colder than Peter Boyle out there.  I’m just saying to all of you out there who like to complain about the environment, global warming, blah blah blah Ralph Nader would’ve been so much better blah blah blah: Come visit Chicago for a while.  Go to Canada once or twice.  Go visit Grand Rapids, MI (but not the Kentwood part.  Eww.) and ask them about global warning.  Wait, you can’t; they’re buried under 14 feet of lake effect snow. 

Blah blah blah polar ice caps….if global warming means I can be sipping Pina Coladas in my back yard in March, then I say, make like Kirsten Dunst and bring that shit on. 

—Everyday I drive past this church with one of those signs out front that says something clever to try and increase attendance.  Well one day, I noticed that the usual flare-ful sign seemed to be missing something.  The Pastor’s name was gone.  I figured he must have moved on or died or something.  The next day, the sermon title for the following Sunday was in big plastic letters: “Should a Pastor ever quit?”.  I guess those Baptist’s get right to the point.  What I wouldn’t have given for a cell phone that takes photographs.  Sorry.  My car phone doesn’t take pictures. 

OOHHHH!  I forgot to mention something.  Whoever it was that told me that Lily Allen and her music were worth two shits owes me something.  I watched Saturday Nite Live (whose cast includes Dr. Pat, aka Kristen Wiig, who is hilarious, p.s.) Saturday just to see this little ho suck up the stage.  She is an awful singer and her music is retchid and boring and trite.  I give her a “BARF!” and a “ONLY SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN FEDERLINE.”