On Tyrese

Much has been said about hip-hop/R&B singer Tyrese’s strange alter-ego, Black Ty.  Yours truly doesn’t really see the problem….after all, this country practically ran on Chris Gaines for the mid-to-late 90’s.  [sidebar—the Chris Gaines wikipedia page is written as if the whole facade were true—it’s damned creepy…]  In fact, I always thought Tyrese was a decent singer and had always released songs that were kinda catchy.  The thought that he would one day end up in such great company in this category was but a twinkle in my eye….until yesterday.  (to be explained…just be patient for a damned minute…)

Tyrese wants you to know that he is straight.  Maybe it’s because he was in Playgirl back in the day, or perhaps that he modeled for Tommy Hilfiger, but for some reason, playa wants you to know that he is down with hoes, not bros.  Sorry, Jim, Dyck. 

Anyway, his first explanation of exactly how he finds his women comes from the tune “Housekeepin’.”  And I Quote:

“Ohhhh, do I got a story to tell, An unexpected one. Ohhhh, woke me out of my sleep one Sunday morning, I said who’s at the door, she repeating housekeeping, housekeeping. I thought the sign on the door said do not disturb. I had to stop myself from getting mad after I seen her. I couldn’t believe my eyes, she had a sexy something bout her, Made me wanna give a try, but I know it’s the hotel policy, And I’ll be breaking all the rules if I let her get a piece of me. Whoaa (Mail box of Tyrese. What would you like to do?) Find. (Messages or numbers?) Messages. (You have two new messages.  First message is from Nicki) Housekeepin’, housekeepin’ (Hey sweetie, this is Nicki, the housekeeper, this is the fir–, I’ve never done anything like that before.  I just wanted to say I had a great time, and it was refreshing to meet a real gentlemen. ….A hot piece.)”

You like that, don’t you?  I love the serendipity of the thing—nothing would’ve happened if she hadn’t disregarded that pesky DND sign…  It’s romance.  And what I wanna know is how did he know it was hotel policy?  Has this happened before Tyrese, that a ‘hot piece’ of housekeeper accidentally came onto you when she was not reading signs?  The life of a legend, I suppose.  p.s. thanks for the direct quote from your answerphone.  Wouldn’t’ve believed you otherwise….

But no!  Tyrese has his eye on a certain type of woman, that may include but is not limited to your standard hotel housekeeper!  No, he wants an “All Ghetto Girl.”  And I Quote:

“I need a girl named Lakeisha, Tonya, Tameka, Tawanda Rasheeda, Ashonda, Shaneiqa, and Shawna Karen, Pam, Tina, ooh yeah, Brenda, Kenya and Natalie oh Kenya you do it for me Never wanna go to an R&B/Hip Hop show, never wanna go see hip hop it’s funny but I had more fun when I had no dough, I need a girl from the ghetto oh yes I do baby; I need an all ghetto girl, I need a bad motha with designer toes, tatoo and some gold, straight up ghe-tto, dont matter if I aint got no dough, shes gonna be my boo gonna be my crew, ohhhhh”

I LOVE the crazy-fun interpretation of how to spell ‘tatoo.’  Wow, is he worldly!  Let’s check on the ghe-tto-ness of these names shall we?  Feel free to interject your opinions if you feel I’m wrong.

Lakeisha  —definitely ghetto

Tameka   —quite ghetto….just ask the white girl from Deal Or No Deal…

Shaneiqa  —so ghetto it’s not even a real name!

Karen       —What? 

Pam        —Like from The Office?

Brenda  —Dude, this was not supposed to be an exercise in naming women.  I have NEVER met a ghetto girl named Brenda.  Seriously. 

If you recall from up above, until yesterday, I didn’t even know that these hidden album gems existed, because I hadn’t bothered to look!  All Tyrese songs that I knew seemed trite and banal and fine.  That is, until I heard the song, “Signs Of Love Makin'” yesterday on Power 92.  That’s ‘#1 in the streets’ to you, thank you.  Although I think by playing this song alone, that had to have gone down to at least number #42.  I need to bust out the parenthetical rancor for this shit….  And I Quote:

It’s not my ego ya’ll that’s just the way it is [damn straight.]

showbiz like no biz [like Showbiz Pizza?!?! That place was way RADICAL!]

I love girls throughout my whole career [Seriously.  I love girls.  Girls. Lots of them.  My WHOLE career.  Always.  I promise.]

From suburb chicks to the cuties on the bus stop [Oh, those crazy girls ON the bus stop.  I love them.]

Church girls all the way up to the movie stars [Jesus loves that the ‘Church Girls’ are considerably below ‘Movie Stars’.  He’s thrilled.]

I’m not trippin when it come down to the woman. [See?  Loves me some woman.]

‘Rese is down with all signs.  Oh let me tell ya’ll something [All the signs?  I’m a little confused…colour me piqued…]

These are the zodiac signs that I wanna make love too [Oh shit, you didn’t.  A Zodiac song?!]

The zodiac signs that I wanna get next too [somebody alert Miss Cleo again…]

See I ain’t trippin when it comes down to these girls [If I tell you that I believe you’re straight, will you shut up about it aldamnready?]

We are the world, we are the world [where the HELL’D that come from?]

Ladies let me tell you all about the Capricorn [ah yes, of course, the goat!]

See when it comes to sex it’s guaranteed some babies will be born […ooooookay…still waiting for the goat part…]

See I’ve got three of ‘um from listening to the 12-play [note to self: find out what the hell is a 12-play/avoid it]

Aquarius I tell you they can go from night till day [what about the damned goat!? Focus!]

I met a Scropio (Damn) [Damn? Scorpios are that bad?  Don’t tell Hillary Clinton!]

She had no limit to where she’d go (Oh, yeah) [What, did she have a Greyhound pass?]

She was so damned sexual [what parallel universe are you living in where ‘sexual’ rhymes with ‘go’, huh? ]

She said, Tyrese are you ready for me [i doubt it, after hearing all this goat talk..]

I’ll do anything to fulfill your needs [translated; “i will give you a ride to the soup kitchen”]

Tell me what you want, and I got you babe [like Sonny & Cher!]

I’ll smack it from the side [the hell you will!]

While I’m grabbing them thighs [okay maybe…i like the way you call me ‘brenda’.]

Now I know what zodiac signs are all about [well, that makes 1 of us.  I’m still waiting for an explanation over here!]

These are the zodiac signs that I wanna take shopping [of course.]

The zodiac signs that I wanna take club-hoppin [because what else rhymes with shoppin’?  Stoppin’?  Floppin’?  Toppins?]

See I ain’t trippin when it comes down to these girls

We are the world, we are the world [again?  you needed to do that twice?]

(Pisces, Aries, Taurus, Gemini) I see in the club with your hands held real high [oh, here we go.  A real rhyming challenge!  So far, so good!]

(Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra) The way you treat your boy, I’d do anything for ya [you’re cheating and ‘Libra’ —> ‘ya’ is the best you can do?]

(Sagittarius, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius) See I ain’t gonna front it; it’s all of ya’ll I really love [Awful rhyming showing.  And we went through this whole damn thing just to figure out that you like ’em all!?!  And I didn’t learn a damn thing!  Off to wikipedia again…]

And there you have it my friends.  Tune in to your local urban station, and you may just hear this nugget of joy.  I hope for your sake that you do.  Good luck and God speed. 

Okay, my jejunum and I are seriously fighting.

I got sick on Friday.  And not like, uh-oh, it’s Friday, and I could totally leave early sick.  Like, somebody get me a bucket before I seriously decorate this place sick.  But did I leave early, mes amis?  No.  Like a Bulgarian Gypsy to an unattended baby buggy, I just couldn’t get enough. 

As I drove home desperately searching for places I could pull over and heave out the car window without stopping traffic or drawing any undue attention to me, I realized that I had made the wrong move.  Getting home before the barfing is usually recommended.  Anyway….

All weekend I’m still sick (ps, Jim, this is not code for ‘my herpes is back’ like I’m sure you’re thinking.  FYI, I am still outbreak free, thank you very MUCH.  I maintain it was never herpes, though that organist nurse from college was vehement….)(Ironic that she was an organist, no?)(okay, no.  Not Ironic.  Not even funny.)  and so I go to the Doctor who tells me I have Bronchitis.  I do not even give a shit, but does that come with a side of drugs, my friend?  Why Yes?  It does?  Off to Walgreens….

In the interest of brevity, let’s say that I think I hate my medicine.  Since Friday, just about every single part of my body has felt sick, and not all at the same time.  Quite individually, actually.  So what is it my friends, Ebola?  Le Vague Des Passions?  Rhabdomyolysis? Someone help a brother out here. 

#’s 92-82

       Well, bitches, I’m back.  I figured the best way to get back into the sling (sling?) of things would be to do what I love to do most—talk about things I hate.  So, here you have it.  Enjoy.

# 92- Leif Garrett/Ericsson/Etc…

Jim says, “If you don’t want it pronounced ‘leaf’ then get a new damn name.”

Dude, Leif Garrett looked way  like Joanna Kerns.    Thank you internet.  Now I feel complete. 

As a side note, I want a hat with wings. 

#91- Luke Perry

Jim says, “Oh Dylan, where are you now??  Oh wait,….I don’t care.”

Back in my younger days, we lived on the ‘wrong’ side of the big hill, so cable did not actually come down our street.  Fox 17 didn’t come in too well with the Rabbit Ears, so we never got in to 90210 or Melrose Place.  It was a damned shame, I tell you.  I didn’t even know who the New Kids were until I went to my friend Tony’s house and his sister had graffiti’ed “Gina heart’s Donnie” all over the basement walls…Let’s all have a pause for my lost childhood.  Damn you, my parents’ Peter, Paul, and Mary RECORDS!  DAMN YOU!

(What Chantelle isn’t telling you is how she made Luke Perry smile.)

#90- Newman

Jim says, “Newman!”

Never before was there ever a more hated figure on television.  And that’s including Full House and Designing Women.  I think we all had a sigh of gratification when that fat-ass took it in the eyes from that poison-tar-spitting chicken-osaur. 

#89- R. Kelly

Jim says, “Pre-‘Trapped in the Closet’.  I can’t decide if that number should be higher or lower.”

I’m not going to make any jokes about peeing on minors here.  Really. 

I prefer to talk about R. Kelly’s love for Booty of all kinds.  I refer to songs such as, Definition of a Hotti, I Like the Crotch on You, Sex Me pts. 1-2, Bump ‘n’ Grind, It Seems Like You’re Ready, Hump Bounce, Don’t You Say No, Strip For You, P***Y, Sex In the Kitchen, Kickin’ it With Your Girlfriend, Sex Weed, and my personal favourite, Feelin’ on Your Booty.  Complete with Emerson-esque lyrics like “Feelin’ on your boo-hoo-ty, boo-hoo-ty, boo-hoo-ty, boo-tee-ty,” it’s no wonder this freak likes underage ass.  Oh, I did it.  Don Henley made me do it.

#88- Bill Laimbeer

Jim says, “How’s the WNBA treating you, you ass-pirate?”

Did you know that there are celebrity golf tournaments?  Did you know that there is a golf course out near Tahoe somewhere that has a water hazard called “Laimbeer Lake”?  That would be because Laimbeer put a ball in the lake on 4 consecutive shots my friend.  4 times in a damn row.  Now that’s taking it. 

Just like that picture. 

#87- Confederates

Jim says, “It was sad in 1860.  It’s just pathetic now.”

What exactly are you proving by raising that flag in the back window of your Indiana pick-up truck, my wanna-be southern friends?  That you miss slavery?  That you don’t want to share water fountains?  That Mississippi isn’t the stupidest name for a place, ever?  Well listen up, guys.  You lost.  And Indiana wasn’t in the south.  Just sayin.

#86- Don King

Jim says, “Even without the hair.”

What exactly is he famous for? 

#85- Frank “Fat Bitch” O’Bannon

Jim says, “I’d blame him for Indiana if it weren’t for all the damned Indianans also responsible.”

For the record, I know nothing of the man, and I usually have the utmost respect for the dead.  However, Frankie O’s (not to be confused with Jackie O) name seemed perfectly suited for a ‘fat bitch’ in the middle, and the rest was history.  Say it a couple of times and tell me that doesn’t make you happy.

#84- Gary Coleman

Jim says, “May have redeemed himself if only he would’ve whipped out a ‘What’chu talkin’ ’bout Judge Mills Lane?’ when being sued by a lady he beat up while working mall security.  But he didn’t.  So he’s a fuck.”

I can’t say that I don’t understand, but dude’s crazy.  We’re talking borderline Tom Cruise crazy.

#83- Janice

Jim says, “From Friends.”

There is no way she’s worse than Newman.  Who compiled this stupid list, anyway?

#82- Justin Guarini

Jim says, “See: Flock of Seagulls.”

Even Rosie O’Donnell thinks this guy is a ‘stone cold loser.’  Gayest thing to come out of American Idol.  And they even had Clay Aiken.